If I close my Eyes
by SilkpoetV
Summary: Summary: If I close my eyes even for just a moment, I can dream that she is still with me. Alex/Olivia FEMSLASH
1. Prologue

**DISCLAIMERS:** The characters in the story are the creation of Dick Wolf, NBC owns the rights to Law and Order: SVU. I'm just burrowing the characters for entertainment and I'm using them without permission just for fun not for profit. No money is being made, and no harm is intended.

The story is my own as are any errors that may have slipped past my beta reader who by the way is not an SVU fan, but since my native language is Spanish, my friend translates my spanglish into proper English. Minu you rock! Although I can't figure out why she doesn't like SVU, and not due to any lack of effort on my part (sigh). Also my eternal gratitude to JD for taking the time to betaread this piece!

**SPOILERS: ** There might be some mention of events during the 2nd through the 5th season, Set when Alex is in the witness protection program (WPP), so there may be some spoilers for those who have not seen L&O SVU to that point. I have taken several literary liberties in order to write this story and as D said in her story _Live Like You Were Dying,_ what would be the point of rewriting the SVU scripts? That is why it's called fan fiction; so fair warning to the keepers of the Canon. This is kind of AUish and not Ghost, and most definitely not like the Conviction fiasco.

**PAIRING: **Alex/Olivia what else is there? (Grin). No offense meant to any of the other possible pairings and Casey's shippers.

**Violence/Sex/Language:**

It contains some violence, mention of rape nothing extremely graphic but could be disturbing, Sex, hmm, of course there is, not overly used, but there are some scenes I'm shy, so let's just say you were warned. Some swearing, of course! I mean sorry. This is femslash, if you don't like it, don't read it! If you're under 18 or the idea of two women expressing their love towards each other bothers you, **DO NOT**, and I repeat, **DO NOT** continue reading this story. If it is illegal in your country and or state, move or don't read it until it is, what are you waiting for?

**A/N:** Oh, and this is my first L&O SVU story, your patience will be most appreciated, due to the language issue (S/E). I have several chapters written but they have to be edited. And feedback of all kinds is welcome, constructive criticism not homophobic, or narrow-minded ok!

**AN2:** Revised Edition 28-03-09

Sorry for the long Yada, yada but it does have to be said.

**Don't forget to read and review. **

**If I Close My Eyes**

**By V**

**Prologue**

_It had been at least five years since I had been here last, not since my mother had passed away, it's ironic but the only place I had ever felt her love was here. Perhaps that's why when I was a child I would escape from her drunken stupors to the refuge of this grand old tree and I would close my eyes and feel as if I was that three year old child once again and her arms around me and telling me that I was her little treasure. It was the only time that she told me that, before I in all my childish innocence ruined the moment by asking for a dad that I didn't have, I was only three after all, there are some that say that you can't remember that far back, but I did. And to this day I recall her eyes filling with tears and her hugging me tighter, so tight that it hurt and I complained, but she didn't let me go, and I didn't say anything else. That was the last time that she took me to the park. After that day she began to drink religiously every afternoon while I hid in my closet crying until I fell asleep not understanding what was going on._

_It was a short while later that she screamed out in all her drunken rage that I would never have a father because mine had raped her and I was the product of that heinous act. As a child of six years I didn't fully understand what rape was, but I did understand that it was something bad. I could see it in her face. All twisted and contorted by pain, the torturous screams and cries that would shake her body when she drank. It was then when I first started to escape to the park to dream and to remember that once upon a time she had told me she loved me and to treasure that dream that during my childhood and turbulent adolescence managed to save me from those dark and violent alcoholic days of her life._

_It's incredible how cruel human beings can be, not only as adults, but also as children or uncontrollable and hormonal adolescents. It would seem that the more normal life is, the less compassionate you are for the less unfortunate. It didn't matter if your father was a rapist like mine or if he simply left your life due to divorce or an accidental pregnancy. The fact that you did not have one nor had both parents was not a guarantee that you wouldn't be the object of ridicule and mockery. I learned that at a very young age, it was easier if one of your parents had died, but not having one and not having an acceptable explanation for their absence was worse. Up until this day, even after seeing all I have seen through the years working as a detective of sexual crimes and dealing with the heartless perpetrators, the innate cruelty of human beings still astounds me._

_Over the years I tried not to be just another statistic, for many years I fought against those damn genes that I was convinced ran through my blood as a product of my violent conception. Not only did I do the impossible to assure myself that I would be able to go to college, but always with the intention of serving on the police force. After a few years as a beat cop I was eventually able to pass the __exam__ detective exam, finally achieving my goal in my mind. I never had a doubt what I wanted to do. SVU was my objective, my way of fighting for the victims like my mother, like me, to make a difference even though it was too late for my mother. Always waiting for the day I would do her justice. However my years as a detective have shown me that it wasn't the past that ruled your life, but the present. It took me years and many uneasy moments to be able to recognize it. On that day I knew that my past should not control me and that the future did not exist; much less live in fear of it. _

_The first time I saw her, God, it was a shock, I couldn't take my eyes off of her, so beautiful, those blue eyes that saw through you with just one glance, almost as if stripping the soul naked. I thanked the powers that be that as a detective I had learned how to control my facial expressions, otherwise she would have seen immediately how I felt and I would have felt like a fool. I was bewitched and the only thing I could do was pretend, that in reality it was the opposite and I just couldn't stand her._

_Her first year at SVU as our primary ADA was a constant pull and push, a revelation for both of us. What started with sporadic invitations to O'Malley's or Chauncey's for drinks after a long hard day or to celebrate a sentencing soon turned into breakfasts at Luigi's and occasional invitations to dinner whenever I managed to overcome my shyness —shy? Me? For God's sake I had never known the meaning of the word until I met her. I managed to invent valid excuses to stop by her office late in the evenings and seeing her still working I would invite her to dinner to discuss this or that case. Sometimes she accepted and other times she didn't. One day that she declined because she had a date I felt that I would die from jealousy and pain. Jealousy because she was mine, and pain because I knew that she wasn't and she would never be._

Both of us were blind, they say that there is no one more blind than the one who refuses to see. I say tat there is no one more blind, deaf or mute than the one who dies by his own blade. Our courtship was the longest in the history of humanity, since the word was first invented. I say this seriously, in some ways we were always fighting over warrants, arrest orders, evidence to bring cases to trial, etc. Part of me understood that she was being reasonable just for the fact that the law was picky that way. Isn't it supposed to be innocent until proven guilty all over the world? She would say that you are innocent until the evidence proves otherwise. Probable cause doesn't matter neither do gut feelings, even though she might believe that the perp deserves to be hung by the crown jewels from the top of the Empire State Building. The truth is subjective, the truth is impartially partial and justice isn't blind. If it were the world would be better off, how? I don't know, better? Who knows, there are absolutes or there isn't. Sometimes there are shades of gray, the end justifies the means and at others the price you pay isn't worth the sacrifice.

_You need to be both, very strong or very dumb to do our kind of work and that's what I mean when I say that our courtship was the longest in history. One day we were arguing over an arrest warrant and within hours I just wanted to hold her in my arms and protect her from hysterical mothers or victims betrayed by the criminal justice system. As a detective it was normal for her to be in the precinct going over evidence or witnessing an interrogation, what wasn't normal was that it was only my desk where she would sit or that she would stand so close that she would invade my personal space. Not that I minded of course, however, my heart and my blood pressure did but not me…besides it was completely justifiable for me to spend so much time in her office going over my testimony or that I needed to speak with her on the phone from time to time. After all she was our ADA._

_Then one day I was the victim. Eric Plummer made me remember that justice was not blind and that the life you swore to dedicate to bring justice to victims was now tainted by evidence that pointed to a suspect that in truth was not. Innocent people died because you did what you do best, be a special victim's detective._

_I had never felt so alone and useless and less deserving of love as on that day that I had to pull the trigger. I felt just as murderous as anyone of the most degenerate of perpetrators I had ever arrested when I killed him and found out that his gun was not loaded. One more innocent life stained for my desire to do justice, a good man turned murderer because my evidence pointed to his culpability. I felt betrayed by the system, by my partner but most of all, I felt betrayed by myself. I didn't want to know anything about anyone or anything. IAB had suspended me until the investigation over the shooting was over. I had killed a man after all, even if there had been witnesses. I hid away in my apartment to drown myself in guilt and self-pity. The Justice is blind with open eyes._

_I just fell apart; my eyes were swollen from all the crying, my body screamed with pain from tense muscles and my nervous system was almost in shock. I laid on the floor in a fetal position, crying and moaning when I heard her voice calling me from afar, and felt her warm sweet body wrapped around me. I felt warm arms surround me and heard a distant voice that whispered tender and comforting words. She refused to let me go, she refused to leave me alone. _

_The next day I awoke within her arms on the sofa, feeling as if a truck had run over me. I turned and her beautiful blue eyes looked straight into my naked soul. My heart skipped a beat, I forgot to breath. What I saw in her eyes couldn't be true, my tired mind tried to tell me._

"What are you doing here?" I asked in a raspy and trembling voice, a voice that I did not recognize as mine.

"_There isn't any place else I'd rather be Liv, don't you know that by now?"_

_She and I were the typical cliché; she the princess and I part of the masses. She was a trust fund baby, with private schools, debutante balls, Harvard and a penthouse with a view of Central Park. And I was the bastard daughter of a rapist, with an alcoholic mother who was harassed and frowned upon for being who she was. I was the one who never knew what it was like to have a birthday party or a house with servants or a chauffer, just a simple detective in the NYPD with a modest savings account and a retirement plan, a tiny apartment in downtown Manhattan with old furniture. I never thought for a moment that she might be a lesbian, fully convinced that she was not only straight, but that she was a blue blood WASP from Boston that would never notice someone as common as me and secondly, that she would ever tell me she would prefer living with me in my tiny apartment instead of uptown Manhattan in a penthouse that was cold and full of luxuries if that meant having to give me up. No, no, to this day I don't believe it._

_It's been years since I've been here, not since the death of my mother. The sun feels so warm, the air moves my bangs, and I'm in NYC, in the heart of Central Park. If I close my eyes even for just a moment, I can dream that she is still with me. I can feel her hand in mine; smell her aroma, a mix of orange blossoms and ginger. God, if I close my eyes for just a moment I can feel her name kissing my lips, Alex…_


	2. Chapter 1 Michelle

**A/N: Thanks to all of those that have reviewed my story**

Don't forget to review!

**WARNING!** Adult content and graphic situations tht may not be appropriate and may be illegal in some states and disturbing to some readers. There is a brief mention of rape and other violent and graphic situations but it is necessary for the purposes of this story.

**Chapter 1 Michelle**

The building was falling apart you could see trash and old discarded furniture crowding the hallways, a single dim light bulb hung from the ceiling barely giving off enough light to see by occasionally flickering on and off. Detective Olivia Benson, walked slowly with her gun drawn and pointed straight ahead of her. Her partner Detective Elliot Stabler, walked behind her covering her back.

"Christ, couldn't the perp have found a worse place to hideout?" Elliot said in disgust, the sickening odor that surrounded them was nauseating. The combined smell of urine, excrement, trash and what looked like decomposing rats permeated the hallway.

"I don't think his mental state would allow him to hold a job, good enough to lease an apartment with a view of Central Park El" Olivia said sarcastically. All her senses were on alert; it was bad enough that the building was in one of the worst areas of Manhattan but any delinquent that saw them might think they were after them and a rain of bullets might get them before they could take cover.

"Here it is," Elliot said when he saw the number 324 hanging from a single nail from the door.

Olivia knocked loudly and moved to the side.

"This is the Police, open the door!" she shouted.

You couldn't hear a sound, Olivia knocked once again waiting a few more seconds and when there was no response tried to open the door, which gave way immediately. It had been unlocked.

Elliot and Olivia exchanged glances; that silent communication that is born between two people that have worked together for many years and that allowed them to communicate without making a sound. Elliot kicked the door and immediately ducked, Olivia covering his back.

"Clear!" Elliot shouted and moved into the entry hall, the apartment was almost completely dark the only illumination coming from a distant streetlight. Olivia followed; they went into another room that was a mess and full of trash. "Clear!"

They went in further and when Elliot went into the bathroom, turning on the light, the image he saw in front of him almost made him double over. Not in all of his years in the police department and as an SVU detective had he ever seen anything so inhuman, so totally diabolical and horrific. What he saw in front of him was something much worse.

Hanging from the shower head was the woman they had been searching for, the same woman that had been kidnapped by her assailant. Olivia and Elliot had been on a routine visit to see how she was; it had been months that they had been investigating her case, trying to find her rapist, but with no luck. A couple of days prior a new case had been handed to them with the same MO. This time the victim had been killed and their genitals had been mutilated before having been murdered, but they had been able to pick up on something that connected the assailant with the case of Michelle Perez. The perp had left a mutilated dog's penis inserted into the anus of the victim. They had found the first victim much the same way only unconscious and a dog's penis inserted in her. The perp had left her for dead, thinking that she would bleed to death before anyone could find her. Fortunately someone had found her before that could happen.

With a possibility that this new case might be tied to Michelle's, they went in search of Michelle to see if perhaps she could recall any other details of the attack. What they found after they had asked the super to let them in when Michelle didn't answer was an empty apartment with definite signs of a struggle and a message on the wall written in blood. "Gotcha Bitch." It could be coincidence, it could be bad luck, but the message was perfectly clear. Did this mean that her abductor was the same man that had assaulted her and left her for dead? Did he know her? Had he been waiting for her? Michelle had been in Puerto Rico for the last six months recovering from her trauma at her parent's home. She had just returned only a couple of weeks before. These and other questions bounced around in their heads.

After inspecting the apartment and finding no clues, the building superintendent was able to give them tapes from the security camera that had been installed in the hallway of the apartment for Michelle's peace of mind; when the perp attacked and kidnapped Michelle this time around, he had been unaware of the additional security that had been added. The fact that they didn't find a body at least gave them some small hope that she was still alive.

When they watched the tape they saw everything, the assailant's face and how he removed Michelle's body. Now all they had to do was find him. Fortunately for them, the perp had been sent to Rikers on a couple of previous assault charges. The problem now was finding him.

Two days of searching frantically had brought them to this building and this apartment specifically, to the very grotesque scene that would haunt Elliot in his dreams for months to come. It was too late.

In front of him was Michelle's body, hanging by the arms from a bar above the tub, her legs splayed open, mutilated. He had cut off her breasts; her tongue hung from a stone, her eyes had been taped open, the look of abject terror and pain in her eyes evident. Her abdomen had been ripped open and her entrails hung out and from her vagina hung some type of bloody animal penis.

"Oh, Shit, Motherfucker!!!" Elliot spat out at the scene before him.

"What is it?" Olivia asked at the moment she entered, opening her eyes in horror. "Oh God!!!" she gasped and the color drained from her face.

"He isn't here,' Elliot said hoarsely, turning away. "I'll call CSU and Melinda."

Olivia closed her eyes and agreed, she left the bathroom and headed into the next room, it was obvious that the perp wasn't there anymore. She went into the bedroom to look for possible evidence of the perp's whereabouts when something caught the corner of her left eye and made her stop; the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end and she felt a cold shiver run up her back. As if in slow motion she turned and just in front of her only a few feet away was the perp starring at her with a diabolical glare, bathed in blood and running from his mouth a thin line of blood.

"Hi" he said his voice soft and silky, his head tilted to the side with a smile of satisfaction on his face.


	3. Chapter 2 Falling

A/N: Thank you to those who have reviewed my story so far, and thanks to those that have not done so but have read it. It is not about ego stroking it's just that I really would like to know if I am following the right path. After all it's my first SVU Fic.

Don't forget to review.

**Chapter 2 Falling **

Their eyes crossed paths and for a moment time seemed to stand still, both lifted their guns, it was only milliseconds one slow breath…Olivia fired her gun and at the same time, she could hear him laugh hysterically as he fired as his body fell back in slow motion. Somewhere, in the background, she could hear Elliot yelling and several more shots, she couldn't breathe, she felt cold and she felt as if she was drowning, she closed her eyes.

"Officer down, Officer down, send…"

She felt Elliot kneel down besides her, she tried to open her eyes, they felt heavy, so heavy, a voice that was speaking to her, calling her.

"Olivia help is coming, hold on. Don't you dare to die on me Olivia, Olivia stay with me, open your eyes, Olivia… please Liv!!

Elliot's voice sounded anguished, was it because of her? _Elliot_ she tried to say, she opened her mouth but she only tasted the coppery taste of blood. Was that hers?

"Liv, open your eyes, look at me" Elliot begged terrorized. He could see that Olivia's chest was moving agonizingly slow; She had three bullet wounds in her chest and another in her neck, that one had only grazed her but it was nevertheless bleeding profusely. He tried to stop the blood with his hands, but he only had two and Olivia had four wounds.

Olivia opened her eyes, they were glassy, she could barely focus, she couldn't breathe, she tried moving her lips but nothing came out.

Elliot could tell she was trying to say something, and leaned in closer.

"Liv, fight it, please fight it!" Elliot begged.

"Alex," Olivia barely managed. Alex was the only important thing, _Alex_…then suddenly everything turned black, Olivia stopped breathing and her heart stood still.

Elliot barely managed to hear Olivia's tormented whisper. Suddenly Munch and Finn came running through the door, they had been only a short distance from the building doing a perimeter check, when they heard Elliot's frantic call on the radio asking for assistance and an ambulance.

"Olivia, Olivia!!!" Elliot screamed.

Munch and Finn moved to the other side of Olivia and Finn began to apply CPR.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5…" Finn counted off, "1, 2, 3…"

Elliot kept shaking his head in desperation, he ran to the hall and two paramedics came running in. Luckily they had been near attending to another call when they heard the call for an "Officer Down". Dispatch had rerouted them to the scene and sent another to assist on the other call. If that was ethical or not it was a question of priorities, the other call had been to a gang shooting and this one was for a downed officer.

The paramedics knelt next to Olivia rushing to give her first aid. Munch, Finn and Stabler had all been in the business too long not to know what they were doing to Olivia. She had stopped breathing and her heart had stopped. Within minutes the apartment was full of police officers securing the area. A team from CSU was taking notes of the crime scene.

"Clear the area." A paramedic yelled as the other continued to provide the assistance. Elliot and Finn ran along trying to help get the gurney to the ambulance.

Munch stayed behind at the scene of the crime, the perp was dead. He had a couple of slugs in the chest and another in the head entering the side, the one that Elliot had shot off when he had heard the other shots from the hallway. As soon as Elliot had heard the first shots he had run, just in time to see the perp laughing hysterically, as his body jerked from the impact of Olivia's shots. He shot his, but it was too late, the perp had emptied half his rounds into the detective.

The sound of sirens, radios and voices made for perfect chaos, frightening and cold, hurried footsteps, yells and the sound of machines, making loud noises and beeps.

"Charge, clear!"


	4. Chapter 3 Is that a threat?

**AN: **Thank you once again for those who have reviewed me so far it means a lot to me. Thank you. Nevertheless, I am happy to see so many people reading the story until now; my muse however is a little disappointed that out of more than 1000 people who have read my stories it's only very a few that have commented. I don't know, it's nice to read what others think of my efforts and as I've said it's not about ego stroking, but my muse (that is standing over my shoulder agreeing wholeheartedly) feels differently. But even so I am very happy.

I don't know anything about law, so I know that in real life it wouldn't be like this, but this is fiction so I have taken literary liberties to bend the law.

Now, on with the show…

**Chapter 3 Is that a Threat?**

As a Detective, Elliot Stabler was no stranger to the drama of seeing a fallen comrade in the line of duty. And he certainly wasn't foreign to the medical terms used in emergencies to know what was happening to Olivia in the back of the ambulance. What was foreign to him was seeing his partner of over 5 years lying there on that gurney injured and in critical condition as one of the paramedics tried to resuscitate her while the other one administered medications through an IV. They continued to search for a pulse as they tried every way they could to keep her alive. There was a huge blood loss, it was everywhere. The portable cardiogram showed her as flat lined and Elliot closed his eyes. Seconds later he heard the blip, blip that indicated a slow but steady pulse once again.

He had refused to leave Olivia alone in the ambulance, he knew from past experience that the majority of paramedics had heard of the detective or knew her, that wasn't unheard of. But even if that were true, Elliot was not going to allow Olivia to die alone in an ambulance on her way to the hospital.

He felt guilty; she shouldn't be lying there with four bullet wounds. What the hell had they been thinking when they entered the apartment without the standard backup? It was true, that Munch and Finn were in the area looking for evidence that Michelle might have been seen by one of the neighbors, but weren't close enough to provide proper backup. True, they hadn't expected the scene that they walked into the apartment nearly destroyed but they had committed the error of breaking protocol by assuming that the perp was no longer there or that he might even be armed; an error that would now probably cost Olivia her life.

An error that he never thought he would ever forgive himself for if she died. It was assumed that he would be covering her back, that he would go in with her when she began searching the apartment for clues but his mind had been horrified by the scene that they had seen only a few minutes before, enough to stop and think for just a second that the crime scene wasn't secured.

When they finally arrived at the hospital, Olivia was taken immediately to surgery. The update that the paramedic had sent to Bellevue ER must have been that there was no time to waste in the Triage unit. Just barely giving him time to jump from the ambulance and Olivia had already disappeared into an elevator with the best ER Team on top of her trying to stop the clock in order to save the detective's life.

_She's so pale, _Elliot thought, running his fingers through his hair, "Fuck, fuck." He murmured under his breath time and time again. Suddenly he felt someone at his side.

"How is she?" Captain Cragen asked having heard everything on the radio. Then after having confirmed who it had been wounded he took out Olivia's file. Don considered her almost like a daughter and knew that Olivia was alone in the world. Her only family in reality was her SVU co-workers, and he knew that since Alex's death, she had no one else; of course he supposedly wasn't aware of that fact.

Elliot opened his mouth then closed it waving his hands impotently, "I don't...I don't know. There was a lot of blood Cap. The bastard emptied his gun on her," he ground his teeth, "He was there Cap, he was there and I…" He lost his voice in the growl that escaped him, his hands covering his face in desperation.

"She'll be fine Elliot; she'll be fine, she has to be." He patted Elliot's back. If anyone knew what Olivia meant to Elliot, they would think that there was much, much more. Even to the point that perhaps Elliot's divorce had been caused by an affair that they were having, but what they didn't know was that the love between these two was not that of a man and a woman, but the love of a brother for his sister. The kind of love that you can only feel for family that is not your own blood, but that is created from work and loyalty.

"I don't know Cap, she lost a lot of blood, she couldn't breathe, she coded once on the way."

"Don't be so pessimistic Elliot, we have to have faith. She's as stubborn as a mule and a warrior. She isn't gonna let some SOB like him win." He tried to encourage his detective, even though he was actually trying to convince himself as well.

"She…" he didn't know what to say, before she died, why did she have to die dammit, they had already revived her couple of times and she had called for Alex. Her last thoughts were of Alex! "Is that her paperwork?" He asked suddenly.

"Yes, you're her next of kin Elliot."

Stabler nodded and extended his hand taking the folder. He knew something that he didn't believe Cragen knew or if he did, he hadn't said anything. He opened the folder and scanned the documents. A crooked grin appeared on his face; there it was, just as Olivia had told him.

_They had gone through a really bad scare, a perp had hit her when she had tried to arrest him, shoving her against the wall and leaving her unconscious and kicking her a couple of times before Elliot could stop him. Consequently she had a severe concussion from the hit she received on the head and she had to spend a couple of days in the hospital under observation along with a couple of broken ribs from the kicks. She had been unconscious for a couple of hours and Elliot had been scared. When she finally returned to work Olivia confided in him._

"_Before Alex had been killed, I had my legal documents revised. You know that same sex couples don't have the same rights as married couples and she and I were planning on living together before this happened. I gave her my power of attorney and my medical power of attorney. I never got around to changing them although with her supposed death they are worthless. Nevertheless El, you and I know that she is alive and if someday something happens to me I'll put them in the folder that has all of my emergency medical documents in Cragen's office. You and she are my next of kin El. I don't have anyone else and I trust that you will make sure my will is done._

_Elliot hugged her and promised her he would do it no matter what._

It was time to keep his promise, Olivia was closet to death and he would never be able to forgive himself if Alex didn't get there in time to be by her side in case Olivia didn't make it. God, Alex wouldn't forgive herself if it should happen. They had both had enough of pain and suffering being so far apart. When Olivia had confided in him about the true nature of their relationship with the attorney he could not fathom it, he had never imagined not even in his wildest dreams, heck, he could swear that his partner could barely stand Cabot that first year and the lukewarm friendship was more out of professional respect than anything else. He never imagined that they'd be in love, much less that they'd been together for six months.

It came as a total surprise, to say the least. That Olivia was bisexual wasn't a surprise, Liv had a horrible record in her love life and had never known her to have a study or long relationship in all the time that they had been working together at SVU; It certainly didn't bother him if she were gay, for God sake, after all the things they saw in their line of work it was the last thing he thought about. What was so hard to believe was that the attorney was actually gay and had a long stable relationship in every sense of the word with Olivia.

At first he was jealous, jealous because he was used to being her confidant and Olivia's best friend. After all he considered himself her adoptive older brother and he wasn't sure that the blue blood attorney had any serious intentions, but nevertheless he could not deny that he had ever seen Olivia as happy or as relaxed, nor could he deny that Cabot seemed to be more human and warm for some time now. Actually ever since the incident with Eric Plummer, Cabot seemed very different, she acted differently and when Olivia confessed everything all the pieces fell into place.

And when Alex was attacked and declared dead, Elliot was there at her side every moment, giving his unconditional support because only he knew the nature of the relationship between the ADA and Olivia. And he was the only one that knew the shadow that became of Olivia without her.

Thank God, she refused to leave for the WPP without first seeing Olivia, she would never have survived otherwise. He had worried for her mental health during the two days that she thought that Alex had died; Elliot could see the alarming rate in which Olivia was slowly sinking into a deep depression. It was obvious that she wasn't sleeping or eating. When the Suburban left with Alex, Elliot hugged her before she could fall down crying with a broken heart. Olivia didn't deserve to end like this, she didn't deserve to be far from the love of her life and she certainly didn't deserve to be alone without Alex.

He pulled out his cell and found a secluded corner so he could talk. There was only one person that could help him keep his promise, and he was determined to keep it.

"Hammond" A gruff voice answered on the other end.

"Elliot Stabler" he identified himself.

"Detective, to what do I owe the pleasure?" The DEA agent answered impatiently.

"I would like, no I demand that you tell me how to get in touch with her." No names were mentioned, he wasn't stupid but he knew that Hammond knew whom he was speaking about. "It's a matter of life or death."

"Are you crazy? That's impossible!" Hammond almost yelled "No."

"Hammond" Elliot said in a rough voice, "I am not asking for a favor, I am not asking, I am demanding that you get me in touch with her. Olivia is between life and death. She needs to know!"

"I'm sorry to hear about your partner." His voice lost a bit of impatience, sympathizing with the detective. His last partner had been killed by the same group of people that had ordered Cabot's assassination, but he couldn't break the rules because of that. "But it's impossible, you know that, she is under the protection of WPP and there is no way that I can put you in touch with her. Keep me posted and I'll let her know when her life is out of danger.

"You aren't getting me agent, I ordered you to get me in touch with her. Olivia needs her and she needs her here. It's in your best interest to do so.

"Are you threatening me?" The agent spit out.

"No agent I don't threaten, it's a promise."

"And I am not promising anything detective." Hammond said with contained fury. "Let me see what I can do."

"Oh, and don't forget with who you are dealing with, if you think that I am bluffing, I guarantee you that if she finds out that you know what is going on and you didn't tell her, there won't be a corner in this earth where you can hide from her wrath Jack ol' boy."

Elliot snapped the cell shut with an audible click starring off into the distance. "It's done." He said under his breath, now it was time to wait and pray. "Hang in there Liv, fight for her."

**Please review! **


	5. Chapter 4 The Call

Thanks to all those that have given me reviews and those who have read the story. I just wanted to let you know that I will be working on it a little more to fix some grammar and punctuation mistakes that I may have missed. If there is a Beta around that would like to volunteer I would appreciate it very much. Two pair of eyes can see well, but a third with fresh eyes can see even better to make it a good piece.

Please R&R

**Chapter 4 The call**

Emily Perkins was reviewing some documents for an insurance claim for a vehicle. It was the most boring work she had ever had as far as she was concerned. The insurance companies existed for one thing only. They were in business and the only reason was to win and not lose, therefore, they had to insure themselves that the claim was justified. After all, what were all the clauses for if not to make sure the payout meet all the requirements? Months could easily pass by before these claims would be paid out.

The door opened abruptly and Emily jumped in fright, in front of her was Agent Hammond.

"What happened?" her voice quivered.

"We have to leave Emily, Now!" The agent said without preamble and in an urgent tone.

Emily mutely nodded and quickly grabbed her purse and followed him without saying a word. She knew it was not the time to ask anything. If Agent Hammond was here, it was because her identity had been compromised and she was in mortal danger.

Hammond took Emily who was none other than Alex Cabot by the shoulder and protecting her with his body lead her out rapidly from the office. Her co-workers stared dumbfounded at what was going on. It was apparent that the man in the suit and coat was from the police or FBI agent. Everyone wondered what was going on but had the decency to keep it to themselves. Suddenly their boss appeared at his office door and said in a serious voice.

"Emily just got some tragic news; her mother is dying and wants to see her."

"But that man looked like a cop or…" Monica Seller said.

"No, that's her brother; there wasn't time for formalities Monica." The boss explained.

Everyone nodded and returned to work. Poor Em they thought. _Her brother, my ass and if that was her brother they sure didn't look anything alike. _Monica thought to herself.

Emily was escorted to a black suburban, Hammond entered right behind her and the suburban took off rapidly, heading for the airport. It was then that Emily asked the questions that were running rampant through her head.

"Agent Hammond, What is going on? Did Velez find out where I was?" she asked hesitantly fearing that the response would be affirmative. If that were the case, she would have to learn everything all over again. And just when she believed she had found the way to tolerate her hateful pretend life she would have to start all over again in a new one.

Agent Hammond looked at her for a moment before shaking his head negatively. In this line of work, he was used to giving bad news, but he was more used to not having to give explanations, however, Alex Cabot had never been a typical case. They had never been able to follow any of the standards rules with the former ADA; Cabot had not been easy. Normally he would never have been able to do what he was now doing, normally he would not be doing what he was doing now, but he knew what it was like to lose a partner. He knew what it was like to live in the WPP, but mostly he knew he was a dead man if he did not do this one favor. Detective Elliot Stabler's words still rang in his ear and he knew that he would keep his promise and that there would be no human power that would be able to prove the threat.

"No, Ms. Cabot." He said in a harsh and impatient tone.

Alex felt odd hearing herself called Cabot; it had been nearly two years that she hadn't come from someone else. She knew her name, but she had been forced to forget that she had been Alexandra Cabot; ADA Alexandra Cabot.

"Then explain to me, why are we in this suburban as if my life depended on it?" Alex demanded to know.

"The reason we are pulling you out is personal Alexandra, and as of this moment, I am notifying you that I am doing this under duress and it is not my desire to do so. However, I was persuaded that it would be beneficial to my health."

"Quit beating around the bush Hammond." Alex spit out her nerves completely frayed. Nothing of what she had been thinking made any sense, although nothing had made any sense for two years now, not since she had been caught in the drug lord, Velez's sights.

"I got a call this morning from Detective Elliot Stabler. Do you remember him?"

Alex paled considerably when she heard the name and acknowledged she remembered.

"He asked me, no…" he corrected himself, "he ordered me to tell him your whereabouts or how to reach you. Detective Benson was gunned down by a perp. She's at Bellevue in critical condition. I don't know if…" Before he could continue he had to hurriedly reach out and catch Alexandra who had nearly fainted, it had only been a few seconds.

_Oh God Liv! _Her mind screamed out in horror. _No, no, it couldn't be! Not Olivia!_

"Your cell" Alex said shakily, "You have Elliot's number right?"

Hammond agreed and gave it to her, he knew it would be useless to argue with her, but when he saw that she was shaking so hard that she couldn't even hold the cell, he took it from her hand and dialed the number himself. When it began to ring, he returned it to her.

"Stabler!" A voice that she hadn't heard in over 2 years made her tremble.

"It's me, Alex." She identified herself firmly even though her insides were quacking like a leave in the wind.

"Oh, thank God Alex." Elliot said as his voice broke, he had kept checking his cell for the very reason.

"What's happening? Is Olivia…" her voice was just a whisper.

"She's in surgery, they haven't been able to stop the hemorrhaging, she…" his voice broke again, Elliot did not want to think about that, and he could not.

"I'm coming Elliot, tell…, tell her not to dare die! Tell her…" However, Alex couldn't continue, just the very idea was too painful to even say, too personal, and she wouldn't say it to Elliot, not before telling Olivia.

"I know Alex, hurry up." Elliot said and hung up not daring to tell her that it might be too late.

Alex returned the cell to Hammond and began to cry in anguish.

"If you return now…," the agent said, "You'll have to do so at your own risk Alexandra."

"Agent," Alex said in a venomous voice, "do you really think I care? I am going to a hospital that is surely covered by every police and detective in the NYPD. I think my security is the least of my problems right now Hammond. Don't you doubt it for a minute. Olivia is there between life and death; do you think that my life means anything to me now?"

Alex said nothing more, but it was very clear to Agent Hammond what was not put into words. Alexandra Cabot did not care if she lived or died, if detective Benson didn't make it, there was no reason to do so. He had suspected as much when she had at first refused to go into the WPP if she could not tell Detective Benson that she was alive. She refused completely to go anywhere if she wasn't allowed to do so. He had seen the exchanged looks before Alex disappeared into the black suburban. He had asked himself then what was going on between them, now he had no doubt, the detective would ask the attorney something and she must have answered. The message was clear, very clear.

"We are getting closer to Velez; it may not be long before he is captured. I hope for your own good that it's soon and not before it's too late." Hammond said with finality. Alex did not say anything, her sight lost somewhere out the window.

Alex felt as if the whole trip had been through fog, she recalled getting on the private plane, she recalled getting met by another suburban and unmarked cars and having been led to the suburban and turned over to federal agents. She did not see the streets of NYC that she had missed so much. She did not even know how many hours had passed since Hammond had picked her up sometime after 12 p.m. Wisconsin time. If she tried to remember she could not, her mind had one objective and one objective only, to get to Olivia and see her alive.

**Don't forget to review, please! :)**


	6. Chapter 5 Alex

Thank you once again to all who have made comments on the story. I appreciate it very much and my muse is very happy and so am I. And to those that have read it but not commented what are you waiting for? Hehehe. Please don't hesitate to let me know what you think.

AN: Sorry for not posting the update on time but it turned out to be a much more complicated chapter than expected. My beta editor was threatening to kill me for this baby. Also, I'm now working on a second chap for my story Are you? Just be patient.

**Chapter 5 Arrival**

Alex awoke from her miasma when she found herself in front of the hospital, Hammond snapped out orders, making it very clear his opinion on what she was about to do. But the Ex ADA only stared at him coldly letting him know what his opinion meant to her; his opinion in that regard was useless to her, but being by Olivia's side at that moment of live or death was not an option for her. It was the only thing that she could and wanted to do.

She had been led into the hospital by a backdoor. Elliot was waiting along with Munch and Finn who immediately provided cover for her as they led her into the interior of the hospital and directly to the waiting room in the ICU Unit. Olivia was out of surgery, still in danger; they had had to revive her at least two more times. The doctors feared some brain damage at this stage. Now all they could do was wait and pray for her life.

"Elliot, how is she?" Alex asked as soon as she was inside, looking at Stabler anxiously.

"She's in really bad shape Alex." Elliot was totally devastated, his eyes were red and his clothes rumpled even though Munch had taken him a clean shirt to replace the one that was covered in blood. And even though his jacket and slacks had blood spatters he didn't dare leave the hospital even though he couldn't be with Olivia.

"What happened?" She demanded to know piercing him with her gaze. "Why…damn it…why is she…" her voice cut off, a knot in her throat preventing her from continuing.

"We went looking for a perp; he kidnapped one of his rape victims. We found her mutilated body in the bathroom. While I made the calls for to the coroner, Olivia went into another room looking for evidence. We thought that he was no longer there. The door had been open when we arrived, but he was there, he shot her at close range, I…"

Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath, halting Elliot's explanations with a raised hand; she didn't want to hear anymore. They had both committed the error of assuming that the perp was no longer there after discovering the body, a fatal error that was now threatening Olivia's life. She didn't want to know, the picture Elliot had painted had been enough to freeze her blood, just a stupid protocol error, but oh god, she knew how much of a daredevil Olivia was, always putting the victim first, but nevertheless she wasn't careless.

None of the three detectives dared look at her, Elliot ashamed because he had failed to protect his partner, Fin because he was still shocked that Cabot was alive and Munch was too busy trying to find reasons for the apparent conspiracy behind the supposed attorney's death.

That was when Stabler told them the truth or at least part of it; after all it wasn't up to him to explain the nature of the relationship between Liv and Cabot, so he quickly gave them a brief rundown of Alex's situation and left it at that. However, they weren't a Captain and two good detectives for anything; they only had to add two plus two to find the reason for Alex Cabot, who had been under the WPP to come back even though her life was still in danger, why would she put herself in peril for just a co-worker? It wasn't so hard to understand really. Something which as detectives they understood, or perhaps not, after all it was always easier to feign ignorance given the delicate circumstances, it could have been the end of their careers, so it was easier to look away. After all as a family you always cover each other's backs.

"Why did you call me?" Alex didn't understand. They certainly knew that this would put her in jeopardy. In reality all they had to do was notify her of the death if and when she left the WPP or…

"She called for you," Elliot said in a rough voice, "just before she…" he paused before saying 'before her heart stopped' but held back. "Passed out, she called for you. She knew she was dy…

"Don't you dare say it Elliot," She cut him off, "Don't you dare, and don't even think it." She glared at him, furious.

Elliot agreed, he knew what she was thinking, the same thing he was, if they dared to even think it, it would be as if they were accepting Olivia's death. But, fuck! She had stopped breathing several times and her heart had stopped just as many, she had fucking died! He wanted to tell her but with Liv in critical care it was his responsibility to take care of Alex Cabot's well being and security. After all this is what you did for family and Alex was Olivia's family.

"I want to go in and see her, would that be possible?" Alex wasn't sure how she was maintaining her composure; the Alex Cabot that had been broken and terrorized during her attempted murder did not exist, here, she was Alexandra Cabot, the fierce and calculating ex ADA.

"Yes, she…" he hesitated, "you and I are the only next of kin in case of emergencies, "actually Alex," he massaged his neck, "she had a general and medical power of attorney drawn up in case of emergencies to give you the decision making authority. It would have been invalid only if you were unable to be here or had died and would revert to me. She…" he cut off, she had never given up hope of seeing her again and developing what could have been.

"Right." Alex acknowledged and took a deep breath, not quite knowing if she should cry or feel proud at Olivia's arrangements. "Take me to see her." She pleaded softly.

Elliot took her to the nurses' station and explained who she was. They looked at her and proceeded to give her a sterilized gown and mask. They led her to a sterile room where everything was hermetically sealed to help prevent infection to those whose bodies were too weak to fight off infection. Before she went in they warned her about all the tubes and wires hooked up to Olivia's body in order to keep her alive. One of her lungs had been punctured, she'd been hit by four bullets, and two in the chest and aside from the perforated lung, one of the bullets had fragmented a rib which had caused the internal bleeding. The other had been a through and through that had fortunately missed any vital organs by millimeters; it was a miracle she was still alive.

Alex listened unafraid to what the nurses explained, in reality it must have been the doctor in charge of Olivia's care who should be explaining it all to her, but since he had already done so to Elliot, the nurses were nice enough to bring her up to date and taking into consideration that she had just arrived from a long and tiring trip. The only thing that could give her true emotions away now at hearing Olivia's condition was the rapid acceleration the pulse point at her neck that would jump at each beat of her heart. Once the explanations were over, she thanked them and prepared herself mentally for what she would see, that is, if there were any way to prepare oneself to see a loved one in a hospital bed in the ICU hanging by a thread.

The attorney paused at the door, closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened them and stepped into the sterile room. Alex gasped in pain when she saw Olivia's body prostate on the bed, connected to several machines, the beeps almost deafening in the sterile environment. Olivia's postrated body looked fragile and small despite her 5'7" frame, she was pale and thin and her beautiful olive skin was gray. Alex moved slowly closer, trying to take in what she saw. Her heart was breaking seeing her like this. Without being able to prevent it a sob escaped from between her lips as tears that she could no longer hold back since finding out about the detective began to pour down her cheeks.

Being careful not to touch anything she leaned over her and kissed her forehead tenderly, wishing she could kiss her lips, but the tubes in her mouth made that impossible, she leaned over her and began to speak into her ear.

"Liv, my Liv, I'm right here love, just for you. Don't you dare leave me Olivia, not anything or anyone can make me leave your side ever again. I love you Liv, don't leave me, I wouldn't know what would happen to me if I lost you. I don't know how to live without you Liv, my life without you is gray and without meaning. I can't do it anymore Olivia, I love you, I need you, please don't leave me. Please, sweetheart, please." Her voice broke; she tried to control her desperate sobs that tried to take over her.

They only allowed her to be there for ten minutes, Alex never stopped whispering sweet and comforting words into Olivia's ear in the short time that she had by her side. Words of love and comfort, words full of hope and faith. Over and over again she told Olivia she loved her.

"I have to leave for just a bit love, I won't go far, I'll be right outside waiting for my next visit, fight my love, fight. I'll be waiting for you, please sweetheart, come back to me. I love you." She continued to whisper as Alex slowly walked towards the door backwards, without taking her eyes off of Olivia's unresponsive body. Once outside Alex hugged Elliot who was waiting for her outside. She had managed to hold herself in front of Olivia who at that moment needed her strength and courage not her fear.

"Now that you're here she has a reason to live Alex, I know she'll get better now. The nurses have told me that her heartbeat has elevated since you came in, she knows you're here." Elliot confided in her with a crooked smile trying to sound optimistic.

"Oh Elliot I'm so scared." She said in a shaky voice unable to no longer hide the terror she was feeling at what had happened and at the very idea of losing Olivia.

"I know Alex, I know." He comforted her while he looked through the window at Liv. _Damn it Benson, you better not dare die, she wouldn't be able to take it_. He sighed, but who was he fooling, Olivia had lost the will to live when she thought that Cabot was dead, and after finding out that wasn't the case, the detective had regained the will to live. But the truth was that without the attorney in her life, Olivia just barely survived, waiting for the day that she would see her again. Never, not for a moment had she lost that hope. She had always know in her heart that Alex would return to her.

After a few more moments, Alex managed to control herself a bit and she sat down on one of the chairs in the ICU's waiting room and Elliot sat next to her.

"Do you need anything? Are you hungry? Coffee?" He offered courteously, they hadn't spoken much except to talk about Olivia.

"Oh," Alex lifted her head as if none of that had occurred to her. "Yes I need to contact my mother, she doesn't know I'm here, she…" She stopped, _for God's sake; she didn't even know what had happened to her mother! Damn it!_ "She doesn't know I'm alive, but" she hesitated; it would be putting her mother in danger, if someone was watching… _I need her_. "Can you or Munch go, she would never forgive me if she found out I was in NY, what could I say," She laughed nervously, "she would never forgive me, that I was alive and she didn't know but Hammond refused to tell her."

"Alex," Elliot said in understanding, "your mother adores you, she was totally devastated at your funeral, you are her only daughter, of course it will be a shock to learn the truth, but don't believe for a moment that she won't be happy to find out that you are alive. Don't underestimate the love of a mother for her daughter, don't do that to yourself."

"I…" how do you explain to someone that even though he's best friends with the woman she loves, and that knew of the relationship almost from the start, but that was never totally convinced of his role in her life and to whom you were always civil, friendly even, but who you always treated distantly, without realizing how vital the relationship between them was, how this feels; if the only person who knew who she was in reality was laying just a few feet away from her on the bridge between life and death.

"It's hard El, I've had two years pretending I was someone else, afraid of my own shadow, and that's just not who I am. I hate what he did to me, I hate that because of him she's here…" she clinched her hands in her lap and lowered her eyes, she closed her eyes and clinched her jaw trying to gain some control. She knew if she lost it, lost the iron grip on her emotions she would become a sobbing shaking mass of hysterics and she couldn't afford that. She needed to be strong; she needed to remember that at one time she had been the Ice Queen Alex Cabot.

"Don't worry about it Alex, Hammond left you high and dry the moment he left you here, you know that's not how he wanted it though. But…

"I suspected, but it doesn't matter, I don't intend to leave the hospital without Olivia." She cut him off in understanding.

"I know Alex. There will be a couple of uniformed officers watching from the ICU entrance and we are all taking shifts to protect you and Liv."

"Please, I need for my mother to know that I am here, it's probably not the best thing but I need it."

"Don't worry about it; I'll take care of it personally. What will happen to your things in Wisconsin?" If Alex was surprised that he knew where she had been she didn't say anything. Perhaps Hammond had mentioned it to him on the trip from Wisconsin to NY, but she didn't remember any of it.

"Agent Hammond told me that for the moment things would stay as they were, he'll give me a month to return or go get them. He told me that the net on Velez is getting closer. Perhaps that has him too busy to think about me. After all, he murdered Zapata and he was the prime witness and I was only the ADA that tried to make Zapata pay for his crimes not discover his dirty dealings. That was the DEA problems not mine." Alex recovered her composure a bit when she thought about the hateful man that was responsible for all her problems. After all, anger could be a good emotion to have when it was needed.

"It's true, it wouldn't make any sense for him to try to kill you now, after all you didn't have anything against Velez but Zapata. Except for the rape and murder charges on Zapata, he would have never known about you. If he should try it would be too obvious because everyone knows that he has a price on your head. If not for the drugs, it would be because of that murder attempt that he would be accused irrefutably.

"You, I and the DEA know that, but sometimes they don't think clearly, don't you think?" She said resentfully.

If she really thought about it, it had been pretty stupid on Velez's part to put a price on her head just to protect Zapata. It was that error that had caused Zapata's fall and he had had to kill him. That had only cost Velez more than trying to kill an ADA who had nothing to do with him. She hadn't even been from narcotics or even DEA. It would have made more sense if he had eliminated Zapata from the start; after all, he was the one that could expose him. With Zapata eliminated, Alex didn't have anyone to prosecute. Besides the Manhattan DA office had dropped the charges for rape and murder against Zapata. Others would take care of him. Not an ADA from SVU. Nothing had made any sense, except to cost Alexandra Cabot two years of her life, her self confidence and to threaten to take away her happiness and her soul mate.

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	7. Chapter 6 Ties that bind I

**AN: **Ok, folks, here is the first part of Chapter 6, this one is the longest that I have written to date. That is why I'm giving it to you in parts. So now it's up to you and your reviews how fast I can get to part 2. Buaaahahahaha, I'm evil I know, but your comments are the ones that have feed my muse and we don't want her to turn into sleeping beauty and leave us all high and dry (yes everyone, even me in the lurch, right?). Thanks to all those that have given me reviews and those who have read the story.

**Note:** I think it is possible that there may be some confusion with this chapter so I am adding a few lines to make it clearer. Thanks to GreysAnatLuver for pointing that out. 120409 12.19 am

Now, on with the show…

**Don forget the big R's**

**Chapter 6**** Ties that bind**

_I feel so at peace in this place. How could I forget what it was like here, to close my eyes and remember..._

_Olivia looked at her watch before knocking on the door, it was just after 7:00 p.m. and for a moment she hesitated. She didn't understand why she felt so nervous. For God's sake it was only a couple of days ago they had been snuggling on the sofa in her apartment and confessing how attracted they had been to each other. For her it had been a complete surprise that Alex had felt the same way. However, despite the fact that they had talked at length about their attraction and what they wanted; the secrets that she had in regards to herself and her origins caused her doubt. Secrets that Alex knew nothing about and that Olivia was not sure she could confess to her. Who was she after all? Just a simple detective and Alex, well she was a Cabot! _

_She breathed deeply and raised her hand to knock just as the door opened forcefully and she found herself with the reason for all her doubts._

_"Liv!" Alex gasped, surprised to see the detective at her door._

_"Good evening Counselor." Olivia said a bit embarrassed. "Are you going out?"_

_"Yes, I was going…" Suddenly she looked a little nervous, "I called the precinct and they told me you had just left. I was about to send you a text message to see if I could catch you."_

_"Well here I am did you need me for something?" She asked lowering the tone of her voice to nearly a whisper which caused Alex to shiver._

_ "Always." Alex responded looking right into her eyes, communicating with her eyes what Olivia needed to see to placate any doubts. God, you're beautiful, Alex thought._

_"I'm glad." She smiled crookedly, that patent smile that always left the attorney breathless. "Would you like to go get something to drink?"_

_"I have a better idea, are you hungry?" Alex smiled and turned to lock the door._

_"I'm famished, what do you suggest?" She was tempted to take the briefcase but she hesitated, it wouldn't be intelligent to act with chivalry and not raise suspicion. They had agreed that the best thing was to act normally since they worked together. And given the sensitivity of the cases they worked on there would be no lack of defense attorney's that would use that against them as a conflict of interest._

_"My apartment, we can call in Thai." She looked at her from the corner of her eye._

_"Great, let's go." She accepted happily._

_******_

_The doorman knew Olivia, it had been at least a couple of weeks that she had visited Alex in her apartment regularly, so he didn't stop her when she passed by and said "Good Evening," despite the fact it was well past 12 a.m. He didn't question the reason for her late night visit. Olivia rang the elevator and in two minutes was at Alex's door. She ruffled her hair nervously. What was she doing? It's late she though. She was about to turn away when her cell vibrated startling her._

_She hadn't answered it all afternoon, after speaking with Huang, she let Cragen know that she would be taking the rest of the afternoon off. The Captain did not object because he knew how difficult the Guan case had been for her. So after speaking with him she decided to take a walk and wonder around torturing herself with 'what if's.' If her mother hadn't borne her would her life be any different? If her father had been a rapist could that mean she could be too? If I'm the daughter of an alcoholic and a rapist what can I expect for the children I'm not sure I'll have._

_This and a thousand other questions flooded her mind, questions without answers but that either way tormented her. She refused to answer her cell, the times she had looked at the caller ID and she saw it was Alex she would close her eyes in pain. Could it be possible that her genes could be a danger to the beautiful attorney? Elliot knew her to well to try to call her after she had made it very clear she did not want to talk about it. She knew he would try later but for now he left her be._

_She checked the caller ID, Alex, without answering she waited for it to stop vibrating and knocked at the door. Alex was awake, she must be really worried, she didn't know what was going on, but she must suspect that something was wrong not only because she had not showed up for their lunch date at her office, but also because she wasn't answering her cell. And if she knew the attorney, she had probably called her at home and maybe even stopped by the apartment looking for her._

_"Olivia!" Alex exclaimed when she opened the door. "Where have you been? Why haven't you answered your cell? Damn it Olivia!!!" she snapped. Alex's eyes were full of anger and relief at the same time if that were possible._

_ "Forgive me Alex, I…needed to think." She said against her neck as she hugged her. "This case has been very difficult for me. It touched on an open wound Alex, forgive me for scaring you."_

_ "Do you have any idea how it felt not hearing from you, you wouldn't answer your phone, no one knew anything. Cragen told me you had taken off for the afternoon, but when I went looking for you at your apartment thinking you might be ill and I didn't find you…I waited for two hours Liv! I thought…" her voice caught in her throat at the very thought._

_"No Alex, no, it was my fault, I was just feeling overwhelmed with everything that happened. Don't think like that sweetheart. Never, don't!" She pressed herself against Alex in search of warmth for her aching soul.._

_"I don't understand Liv." She looked at her questioningly. "I know it was a difficult case, all the cases we face day to day are."_

_Olivia sighed and took her hand. They were still standing at the door. Anyone could have heard them._

_"Come," she closed the door and led Alex by the hand to the sofa._

_Olivia waited for Alex to sit and began to pace back and forth searching for the right words._

_"I…this case Alex was very hard for me." She looked up blowing out a breath of air; there was no way to say it without feeling some pain. "My mother was raped in 1967, they never found the perp." She blurted out._

_Alex stared at her and her agile attorney's mind did a quick calculation, Oh, God…Olivia was born in…_

_"I'm a result of that rape Alex. Do you understand? I'm like Darrell Guan, my father rapped my mother just like Starnes did to Darrel's mother."_

_"Olivia Benson, you listen to me." Alex jumped, "You are not like Guan, don't even dare think it, for God's sake Liv, you are the sweetest and strongest woman that I've ever known. You have dedicated you life to protect victims Liv, how can you believe something so stupid?_

_"But, How I know that it is?" Olivia almost yelled anguished. "How? I'm violent and I can lose my head easily! How can I say I'm not some psycho and that I might not explode one day and hurt someone innocent in my blind fury. I have damaged genes!"_

_"Liv are you listening to what you are saying?" Alex incredulously exclaimed. "Olivia you are not and you will never be like your father damn it! You shouldn't even call him father, it was just a simple sperm donor and that's it." She added. "You are an incredible woman Olivia Benson. It's true that genetics account for something but we can also be grateful to your _father_ that you are here. You are a marvelous gentle soul and full of courage. Liv you are not and will never be like the man that caused your conception"._

_"But if I wasn't here my mother would be alive and perhaps she would never have drowned her problems in alcohol which finally killed her. Don't you see Alex, I'm…" her voice broke in defeat._

_"You are a woman full of love and compassion, you are the woman I love Olivia Benson." She interrupted gently; Olivia sometimes needed to be told things in a straight forward and cold manner, but then at other times when she was feeling vulnerable and full of pain the best way to treat her was with kindness._ _Alex now understood the reason for this; despite the fact that Olivia was a good detective she had in certain situations a low opinion of herself because of her origins._

_"You love me?" She said like a small child and looking incredibly surprised._

_"Yes Liv, I love you." She smiled letting all that she felt for the detective show on her face._

_"Good, because I love you too Alex, with all my broken down heart." She hugged her letting out a sigh of happiness. It wasn't exactly the way Olivia would have liked to confess that she was hopelessly in love with her, but what the hell._

_"Don't say that love, there isn't anything broken down about you, maybe a little dented but not broken down, you are an incredible woman Liv. Don't let anyone tell you different." Not even you Alex thought._

_***_

_Contrary to Olivia's normally tough and cynical attitude and despite the fact that she exuded a great deal of sensuality, she in reality had never felt anything for anyone as she felt for Alex Cabot. No one had ever been able to capture her heart like the attorney had done only with a look._

_And no one would have ever imagined that Detective Olivia Benson would want to court Alex Cabot in the old fashion way even though they had already confessed their love to one other. Olivia had decided to do things the proper way and without rushing things. Olivia loved Alex and Alex loved her but that was no reason to give in to her basic instincts. Oh, she was dying to make love to Alex but when their busy schedules allowed them to spend anytime together Olivia would not allow things to go any further than kisses and petting much to the ADA's frustration. Alex and obviously Olivia had spent too many nights that had ended in cold showers in their own apartments._

_Olivia wanted to court her girlfriend, she wanted with all her heart to conquest Alex with all the Little details, romantic evenings, rides in the park…She wanted to show the young attorney that she was worth her love and that she treasured every minute at her side. So Olivia began a campaign to romance her._

_On occasion Alex would get to her office to find a rose waiting for her on her desk with a little note tied to the stem. Olivia never ever signed them but Alex didn't need to see the signature to know it was from Liv. For the attorney, a single rose meant more to her than a dozen of the most expensive floral arrangements. At moments like these Alex would feel her heart bursting with happiness. Olivia tended to do those little things that just swept her off her feet._

_There were some days that were especially difficult, full of court cases that didn't allow time to go eat or take a break, and it would seem that Olivia had an especial radar for those days. Sometimes she was the one that would bring lunch and she would stay with her for lunch. It wasn't always easy due to the sensitive nature of their relationship; however, the detective never lost an opportunity to let the attorney know that she was in her thoughts. _

_ It wasn't only the roses and the lunches, but sometimes she would also leave her candy or even poems in her office. On other occasions when Olivia had a case that would keep her awake all night she would appear at her door at six or seven in the morning with a coffee and a smile before heading home to change or rest a few hours if the case permitted, but not without first giving her a good morning kiss and leaving with a crooked smile that inevitably would leave the attorney breathless and would cause her to fall in love with the detective a little bit more each day. Olivia Benson was determined to conquest Alex over and over again, because having to learn to live without her was not what the detective was willing to live with again._

_So it wasn't surprising that a month after having confessed her attraction and love for the attorney they still had not consumed the relationship physically. Perhaps the pessimist in Olivia, a part that was difficult to let go made her doubt, perhaps she thought that if Alex had time to get to know her well she would then decide that it wouldn't be worth it in the end. And with the crazy work hours and her passion for her profession Alex would get tired and would leave her with a broken heart and a life of loneliness and sadness. Or perhaps it was Olivia that wanted to have the relationship grow on a stable basis and not be clouded in the lust of a new love. The detective wanted to have everything with Alex, her present and her future._

_The big day finally arrived. Olivia prepared everything meticulously for almost a week she had worked extra hours, covering shifts for Munch, Fin & Stabler so she could make sure that she would have a whole weekend free. She asked for Friday off so she could prepare everything for the weekend and made sure that Alex had the weekend off. Olivia was planning to show Alex how much she loved her in the most romantic way. _

_ "Cabot." She answered tersely with a bit of impatience._

_"If you don't want to answer the phone anymore Alex why did you?" Olivia asked playfully._

_"Hey," her voice gentled immediately once she heard her girlfriends voice. "I suppose it's just habit, I was just packing up my briefcase."_

_"Alex, you promised me that you wouldn't work this weekend, remember?" she reminded her._

_"Yes, I know but I need to take the court documents that will be starting on Monday so I can read them Sunday night."_

_Olivia was going to protest but held back, she doubted Alex wanted to or had the energy to read the file Sunday night, but… "Hmm, are you on your way out? I'm waiting for you." She lowered her voice to a sensual whisper that made Alex shiver and close her eyes in pure reflex._

_"Yes." Suddenly her mouth was dry. Olivia had refused to say anything to her regarding the plans for the weekend. Nothing else mattered even if this meant she would spend the entire weekend locked away in the apartment with the delicious detective. "I'm on my way."_

_"Hurry up counselor, I'm waiting for you." She said hanging up._

_Alex sighed deeply before setting the handset back down, she looked around to make sure that everything was in order and once again checked her briefcase. "Oh, what the hell!" She closed her briefcase, turned off the lights and locked the door. Alex had asked her friend Serena Southerlyn that in case it was necessary if she would cover for her. Serena only accepted after Alex promised to pay her back someday no matter what._

_With hurried footsteps she left One Hogan Plaza and next thing was in a taxi on her way to her apartment, impatiently imagining what Liv could have planned for the weekend. She couldn't deny that the sexual tension between them had reached the breaking point. Alex was dying to make love to the woman she loved, all her being clamored for her, and nothing would make her happier than to finally consume their love in the most delicious way possible. _

_She was opening the door to her apartment when a pair of arms surrounded her from behind and a silky voice whispered in her ear. "That was fast counselor."_

_"Liv." She let the name escape with a slight gasp. "I thought you were waiting inside for me."_

_"Nope I was behind you." She gave her neck a soft kiss as she felt the attorney shiver. "Let's go inside you have to get ready or we'll be late."_

_"Get ready?" She asked a bit distracted, Olivia's slips on her neck were making it impossible to concentrate on anything that wasn't the sensations that the detective were causing._

_"Yes, get ready, you and I have a date. Alone without ringing phones, without cases to attend to, we will forget the world Alex and it will only be two women in love." She promised._

_Alex turned to capture the detectives lips in a hungry kiss that only caused the fires that had already been burning inside to ignite further. Olivia felt her body give into the assault, pressing Alex against her. When the attorney moaned against her and she pressed her thigh between Olivia's, she found herself fighting for control and ending the kiss against Alex's protests. "God, Alex." She leaned her forehead against the attorney's. "Come on or we'll be late."_

_Alex pulled away and nodded without a word, her eyes darkened with passion, Olivia just about ready to carry her to the bedroom. "Alex, please." She begged._

_The attorney took a deep breath and made her way to her bedroom still feeling her breath catch and her legs shaky. She would have to shower before leaving, she could feel the desire that Olivia's single kiss had left damply on her underwear._

_Olivia closed the door to the apartment and threw herself on the couch, she knew that if she followed Alex to her bedroom she wouldn't be able to control herself. "For God's sake, what you do to me Alex!" Olivia thought to herself still shaking from the kiss._

_Finally after 20 minutes, Alex appeared in the hallway, her hair was damp from the quick shower. "Liv you haven't told me where we are going, I need to know so I can pick out what to wear."_

_"Oh." She raised her eyes and was left paralyzed. In front of her was Alex wrapped in a bathrobe. Alex's creamy skin was clearly visible and for a moment she forgot to breath. "Well…" She cleared her throat; the butterflies were having baby butterflies. "Formal," her voice raspy. "Elegant."_

_ "Ok, I'll be out in a minute." Alex smiled delighted at the detective's reaction to her presence. Olivia's welcome when she got to her apartment had distracted her from noticing how Olivia was dressed. If it hadn't been for the nervousness she felt at the moment perhaps she would have noticed the elegant suit that the detective had on. Her athletic body clothed in a well tailored black pin striped suit, with a red silk shirt and well polished black shoes. _

_Olivia stood and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Her mouth was totally dry. These would be the longest three hours of her life!_

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	8. Chapter 6 Ties that bind II

**AN:** Ok, guys as I promised here is the second part.

Once again thanks to everyone for your reviews and thanks to those who are continuing with the story. Gracias, Danke, Merci, Obrigado, Gratzie, Dank u, ありがとう, Tacka dig, Σας ευχαριστούμε, Вы. This will be the last update for a while even though I have the next chapter written, the editing will take some time. Please be patient and don't forget about me.

**Chapter 6 Ties that bind Part II**

_***_

_When Alex finally left her bedroom, Olivia's heart skipped a beat. Alex looked absolutely beautiful. She was wearing a strapless knee length dress in red satin with black accents around the waist. The dress hugged all her curves in just the right places. Her slender feet were in black sequined pumps accenting her well-toned legs. Her hair was pulled back away from her face highlighting her cheekbones and beautiful blue eyes. In her hand she held a soft black wrap and a black sequined clutch to match her shoes. Olivia forgot to breathe for a moment as she gazed upon the beauty before her. The attorney finally noticed Olivia's look since she had also been busy admiring the handsome woman in front of her and finally became aware that both of them could barely contain their desire. Olivia was the first to react, closing the space between them. The detective put her hands on her hips and drew her close._

"_You look beautiful; I'll be everyone's envy." Olivia said with a radiant smile. Oh yeah, this woman was hers._

"_On the contrary Liv, you haven't looked in the mirror." Alex responded in a sultry voice. She caressed the lapels of Olivia's jacket and leaned in for a soft kiss._

"_Let's go." Olivia said pulling away, she took her hand and they left the apartment._

_Both were silent on the elevator ride, just content to be together. Both conscious what would be taking place that night; Both savoring each moment, that night would be memorable and neither one of them wanted to forget the slightest detail._

_There was a taxi already waiting for them outside the building. Olivia had asked the porter to have one waiting within the hour. The detective opened the door for Alex before getting in next to her. She gave the driver the address and immediately took the attorneys hand, caressing it with her thumb._

"_The docks?" Alex asked intrigued._

"_It's a surprise." Olivia smiled mysteriously._

"_Oh." She didn't know what else to say; frankly everything seemed like a dream. All day long Alex had been unable to think of anything else besides the detective. She found out from Elliot that she had asked for the day off. Obviously Stabler didn't know the reason why and didn't suspect the ADA had any special interest in knowing the reason, but seeing that the detective did not elaborate she didn't ask._

_Soon they were at Riverside Park docks. Olivia paid the driver and without letting Alex's hand go she headed toward the boat dock that they had told her to go to when she had made the reservations. Alex was now more intrigued than ever. Had Olivia rented a boat for their exclusive use? Before she could continue trying to imagine any more scenarios they were in front of the boat. The sign over the dock read Castle on the Hudson._

"_Oh Liv!" She exclaimed in delight when she recognized the name. She had never been there before, but not for lack of invitations. The truth was that she had never had the inclination to go there with anyone._

"_I think the surprise is now ruined." Olivia said shyly, smiling at Alex._

"_Of course not Liv, this only makes it more special." Alex grinned_

_Once on board, they were escorted to the forward deck where they were offered a glass of wine and then they were left alone. This definitely wasn't your typical water taxi or ferry. Olivia put her arms around Alex leaning her head on her shoulder, she sighed taking in Alex's distinctive smell, which caused her body to shiver._

"_I love you." Alex whispered. "I never thought I'd ever feel this way."_

_Olivia chuckled softly. "I love you too, and I've never felt this way either counselor, but to see you and love you were one in the same. Of course at that time I wasn't very pleased about it._

"_Really?" She said ironically. "You weren't the only one, you have no idea of all the arguments I had with myself trying to see reason. I would tell myself I was crazy for letting myself be affected by you like that. But you know what?" she turned slightly to look into Olivia's eyes._

"_Hmm?" Alex's lips were way to close to resist the temptation. She captured the attorney's mouth in a slow sensual kiss. Alex turned and wrapped her arms around her neck drawing her closer. Olivia caressed her lower lip with her tongue teasingly until Alex let her in, moaning when their tongues met in an erotic dance. When they finally separated both were smiling._

"_Insanity suits me well, "Alex continued as if she had nevered stopped. "It suits us well." She added._

_Olivia tossed her head back in elated laughter. "Indeed."_

_The rest of the journey to the place where they would be having dinner passed in a haze for both of them. Olivia held Alex the whole route, whispering words of love and exchanging soft kisses, which sometimes threatened to get out of control. Olivia was convinced that she was the happiest woman in the world. Alex on her part couldn't believe that Liv was at her side. Sometimes it was hard for her to believe that she was given the opportunity to love her as if destiny had planned it._

_The boat reached the dock after about 45 minutes. Alex looked up admiring the small castle. It was a breathtaking view from the river as they neared the dock. _

"_It's beautiful." Alex enthused as they stopped and docked._

"_Yes it is, come." Once again Olivia took her hand. She had come by earlier that morning when she had made the reservations for the evening, so she knew the way to the restaurant Equus in the interior of the castle._

_When they arrived at the entrance the hostess met them with a welcome smile._

"_Reservation for two, Benson."_

_The hostess nodded checking the list. "Yes, here we are, reservation for 8:30, we'll have your table ready in a moment. Would you like to wait at the bar?"_

_Olivia nodded and both were lead to the bar, however, since they only had eyes for each other, they took no notice of the interior, with its dark wood paneling, plush leather seating, chimney and elegant candelabras that made the place nice and comfortable. Here you could relax as you waited for your table. They sat at the bar, where the bartender politely asked what they would like to drink._

"_Did you want something to drink Alex?" Olivia asked attentively._

"_A dry Martini, please." She asked without taking her eyes off of Olivia._

"_A dry martini and a gin and tonic please." The detective ordered. The bartender returned shortly with their drink orders._

_As they sipped from their drinks, they both stared at each other over the rims of the glasses. "If you don't stop looking at me like that I'll forget all about dinner." Olivia warned with a smile._

"_And that would be a problem how?" Alex asked playfully._

"_Not a problem Alex, don't misunderstand me, but I want this to be special." She looked into her eyes expressing all her desire in that one look. Alex held her breath at what she saw reflected from the detective's eyes._

"_Liv I want you to know that if we were in your apartment or mine just eating pizza it would still be a very special night for me, because I would be with you. I'm here with you, together Liv, which is the only thing that is important." She said with a warm but serious voice._

_Olivia felt her eyes grow moist, boy! What a mushball I've become! Nobody would recognize this Olivia Benson from the usual hard and cynical detective she thought to herself._

"_I love you Alex Cabot." She whispered she would have kissed her at that moment if she had been able to._

"_I love you, Olivia Benson, don't ever doubt it." Alex pleaded._

"_Never." Liv promised losing her self in the stunning blues eyes of the attorney._

_It shouldn't be strange considering the type of work they did, the little time they had to spend together and the impossibility to even interact as a couple in public, that somehow unconsciously they had perfected a way to communicate without words and using simple gestures and brief eye contact._

_In a world like theirs, guarding their hearts so jealously wasn't unusual; sometimes it was the only way to survive. Alex as well as Olivia had spent most of their lives camouflaging their feelings, pretending that they didn't exist or that they could live without them, hiding them, trying damn hard not to carry their emotions on their sleeves. Perhaps, after all, those were the reasons, that when they fell in love with each other , a love that they never thought could be part of their lives equation, it allowed them to be more open in the expression of their feelings for each other; confirming the veracity of its existence, that it wasn't just passing infatuation or a product of a powerful sexual attraction. It wasn't something they were expecting, it wasn't something they had dreamt they could achieve, but it was now real and they planned to hang on to it with everything they had._

_Normally Olivia wasn't the type to say "I love you," and Alex was very reserved at expressing her feelings, apparently neither one of them had any problems expressing them in front of each other. Once the cat was out of the bag it was apparent it wouldn't be coming back anytime soon._

_It was apparent to both that the need to reaffirm their sentiments was a behavior based on their own fear that perhaps what they were experiencing wouldn't endure. Perhaps both were waiting for the other shoe to fall. They weren't naïve, or a couple of adolescents with their first crush. They were a couple of adult women and they knew that the road to any relationship was not a bed of roses. They would both have to compromise. The fact that both of their jobs were so demanding and difficult also placed a lot of pressure on them, but despite all that, they wanted to and wished to have the means to work at this new relationship. And if that made them act a little goofy, well, it's not as if you found the love of your life everyday! _

_Fifteen minutes later the hostess approached to let them know their table was ready._

_They were led to the interior of the restaurant, which consisted of three dining areas. Olivia had spared no expense and had asked for a table with a view of the castle gardens._

_A waiter brought them water and handed them the menus and asked them if they wished to see the wine list. Olivia asked Alex to choose one due to Liv's limited knowledge of wines. She was more a beer kind of girl. Alex chose a nice Pinot Noir to start the evening. The meal consisted of _an _Appetizer of Crispy Four Brothers Farm Feta with Olives; the main course was Atlantic Skate Fish with Sautéed Spinach with Spicy Mussel Sauce for Alex and Heritage Steak with Ramps, Vidalia Onions and Root Vegetables with a Cabernet Sauvignon Sauce for Olivia._

_The service had been excellent and if anyone had asked them how their meal was neither one would have been able to give them an answer. During dinner they spoke about themselves recounting anecdotes about their youth. Alex told her about her life at Harvard and Liv told her about the fun times during her time as a beat cop. They were so engrossed in each other that the waiter took them by surprise when he stopped by to ask them if they would like coffee and dessert._

"_Will you share a dessert with me Liv?" Alex asked._

"_I would love to." _Alex ordered a shared Warm Flourless Chocolate Cake with walnut, Currant Marmalade.

_Suddenly the nervousness that had dissipated during the meal returned with a vengeance. The detective smiled at Alex sheepesly who smiled echoing her sentiments and laid her hand over Liv's._

"_Thank you for dinner Liv, it was delicoius."_

"_Oh." Olivia didn't know how to respond. She couldn't even recall what she ate. "Yes, it was excellent."_

"_How did you decide on this place?" Alex asked trying to break the awkward moment._

"_The internet," Olivia confessed. "I googled romantic rendezvous in NYC." She blushed._

"_Seriously?" Alex laughed in amusement, she would never have imagined that Liv would do something like this, not that she wasn't romantic. She had shown her exactly how romantic she could be on practically a daily basis. But sometimes Liv surpassed her expectations._

"_Yep, if you're in doubt, just Google it!" She laughed at herself._

"_You are a goof!" She lightly slapped Liv's hand._

"_Just for you Alex, although if you let it get out at the precinct I'll outright deny it." She threatened playfully. _

"_Oh come on Liv, as if anyone would believe me," She tilted her head, "besides I don't want anyone else to know. This part of you is just mine."_

_The waiter arrived with their dessert and two forks preventing Olivia's response; although she wasn't sure she wanted to. A part of her was frightened that the attorney had so much power over her, a smile, a caress, a look and Olivia was ready to throw herself at her feet. She didn't even want to imagine what would become of her if for whatever reason she ever lost her. In only just a month Alex had captured her heart completely, it was also true that she had fallen in love with her almost at first sight. And although she tried to fight the feelings at the end the result was the same. Olivia Benson was hopelessly in love with the blonde attorney._

"_Oh God," Alex moaned when she took the first taste of the dessert, "this is delicious!"_

Olivia closed her eyes in pure reflex when she heard Alex moan in satisfaction. Wow, she thought, do you want to kill me Alex? The attorney's moan caused her body to quiver in response with promises to come later that evening.

"_Try it Liv, its exquisite." Alex urged. She was completely conscious of the affect she was having on the detective. As an attorney Alex had quickly learned to read people's body language and since becoming a couple she could easily read Olivia's facial expressions. She herself could feel her own body temperature rising at reading Liv's reaction._

_They soon finished off the dessert between the two of them. Once Olivia paid the bill she escorted Alex to the exit, thanking the hostess and asking her to thank the chef for a delicious meal._

"_Would you like to take a walk in the gardens?" Liv asked once they were outside._

"_I would love to, but isn't it a bit late? What time do we have to be back at the dock to return to the city?" Alex asked a bit worried. It wasn't necessarily the late hour that concerned her but they were in TarryTown a good 45 minutes from the city and still another 15 to 30 to her apartment depending on the traffic._

"_Don't worry about that Alex, we aren't going anywhere tonight. At least not back to Manhattan."_

"_Oh?" Alex looked at her in surprise._

"_I reserved a room at the Castle, I hope…" she suddenly turned shy, lowering her eyes abruptly realizing that perhaps she may have assumed too much…a hand against her check made her look up to find Alex's eyes, those eyes she always lost herself in, and were now smiling in anticipation._

"_Liv I love the idea that we'll be spending the night here, but I don't have anything to wear…"_

"_Oh, I took care of all that; I hope you don't mind that I packed a few things for you." She smiled as a blush rose on her checks._

"_Not at all Liv, I'm touched."_

_The evening weather was made to order for their walk. Alex wrapped an arm around Olivia's waist as Olivia wrapped an arm around her shoulders drawing her in closer. They walked in silence enjoying the beautifully lit gardens. They were fully relaxed for the first time that night, knowing that no one or nothing would be interrupting their evening. No phones, no cases to attend just the two of them alone. They would stop amongst the small groves and kiss enjoying every moment they were together. _

_It was close to 11 when Alex and Liv arrived at the hotel's front desk to ask for their key. Since Olivia had been there that morning she had left their bags there and had left instructions on how she wanted the suite to look when they arrived._

_Once they had their key card, Olivia led Alex by the hand to the elevator to their floor. They rode alone up to their floor. The elevator was an old elegant birdcage type but had been very well maintained and despite the fact that it rose slowly it was a surprisingly smooth ride. _

_Alex was feeling as if she were in some kind of dream. Olivia was showing her just how committed she was to making their relationship work. Not only had she spent a great deal of time planning this evening which was already special because they were together, but Olivia had spent the entire month wooing her. Liv was definitely a keeper and she was determined that it would be that way for a very, very long time._

_Olivia smiled at her, her eyes shinning with happines. "What are you thinking?" Liv asked. "Right now you look like you are a thousand miles away."_

"_In you," Alex responded immediately, "in how wonderful you are, how I have been so happy in the last month with you."_

"_Oh," she smiled sheepishly, "you make me happy Alex. Even now with all the craziness that surrounds us, the atrocities that confronts us daily. Just the simple fact that you are by my side keeps at bay the demons."_

"_Let's not talk about that" she drew near, hiding her face in Olivia's neck. "Tonight we will forget about everything else but us."_

"_Everything." Liv promised in a whisper, holding her closer._

_The elevator opened and both stepped out; Liv looked down both sides of the hallway to get her bearings before heading to the right. Alex was pressed up against her, the tension of what was to take place that night had slowly been building by the hour and they were finally just a few feet away from what both of them knew would be a crucial point in their relationship. They both knew that the moment their bodies joined for the first time in that universal primal dance, this time there would be no turning back. This night would not be one of senseless sex, this night they would consummate their love for each other._

_Olivia stopped at the entrance to their room and before opening the door she asked Alex to close her eyes. The attorney looked at her suspiciously but complied. Liv took her hand and made sure she had her eyes closed and proceeded to open the door, leading Alex in. Liv looked at the interior of the room and smiled happily. The staff had arranged the candles and had lit them just before check in at 11 p.m. just as she had requested._

"_You can open them now." She whispered into Alex's ear, as her breath caressed her neck._

_Alex opened her eyes slowly and before her she saw a room lit only by a dozen or so candles, rose's petals strewn on the bed and the fireplace in the corner of the room burning warmly._

"_Oh Liv, this is beautiful." Se stopped a moment to admire the room. "No one has ever done something like this for me…" The attorney couldn't find the words to express what she was feeling at that moment._

"_Oh, Alex Cabot speechless? That must be one for the record book!"_

"_Hahaha," she laughed lightly, "you Liv leave me speechless."_

"_Love you." Liv murmured kissing her neck and pulling her in closer, she continued the soft kisses on her neck and nipped at her earlobe causing Alex to shiver in delight._

"_Oh Liv, please," Alex sighed trying to turn in Olivia's arms, but she held her firmly against her._

"_Please what counselor?" Liv asked against her neck._

"_Make love to me."_

"_It would be my pleasure Alex," Liv released her and turned her around, they looked into each others eyes for what seemed and eternity for both, but in reality was only seconds. Without a single word their mouths crushed against each other searching hungrily. Liv's mouth was demanding, her tongue invading Alex's mouth in sensual abandon. Alex could hear moans of pleasure but could not tell whom they were coming from, her hands entwined themselves in Liv's hair caressing it and drawing her closer if that were possible. Hands caressed her back searching for the zipper to her dress. Within seconds it was at Alex's feet leaving her in only her under garments._

"_Red lingerie," Liv sighed, "God Alex, you're gorgeous." Olivia exclaimed in a reverent whisper when they finally pulled apart; the blonde said nothing, her breathing coming in short gasps, her chest rising and falling, hypnotizing Olivia. With a groan she again possessed Alex's mouth, caressing her back and hips._

_Alex in her heated state began to fight with Liv's cloths. "Take it off Liv; I want to touch you, all of you!" She demanded. _

_Liv stepped back and smiled mischievously at her, she removed her jacket tossing onto a chair. Slowly she began to unbutton her blouse. Alex's nostrils flared at the sight as she watched Liv slowly undress for her; She removed each piece of clothing exposing another delicious piece of flesh' She was mesmerized by the way the detective undid her pants and let them drop in a soft rustle of cloth leaving Olivia in nothing but black lingerie._

"_Victoria's Secret." Alex raised a brow, she would never have imagined. "Beautiful!" Her heart beat at a thousand beat a minute she felt she was about to combust._

"_Did you think I was a boxer and sport bra kind of gal?" Liv teased. "You shouldn't assume Alex."_

"_Oh." The attorney forgot what she was about to say, the vision of the semi-nude body in front of her dressed in matching black silk bra and panties was driving her wild. "No…I thought…" she lost her voice; Alex only wanted one thing at that moment and it was Olivia's mouth on hers, her hands, her tongue, everything. _

_Liv smiled tenderly at her and took her face in her hands. "Just in case I haven't told you already I love you Alex Cabot." Olivia proceeded to kiss her lips, her eyes, as she walked her backwards towards the bed. Alex only managed to move her legs by sheer will until she felt the bed against the back of her thighs._

"_Liv." She let a sigh escape, her eyes glazed over with desire._

"_I'm going to make love to you Alex, slowly, I am not leaving a single piece of skin untouched, untasted, I want to love you and make you forget anyone else before me. You are mine Alex."_

"_Yours," Alex agreed. She felt Olivia lay her down on the bed, covering her with her body, their hearts beating wildly, their skin over sensitized, each caress sending electric jolts to their cores. Alex could feel her desire painted against her thighs, begging for the detective to take her._

_Alex lay on the bed nude, at some point Olivia had removed the barriers that blocked her hungry sight. Liv devoured her with her eyes. She gazed down on Alex's soft white skin, her eyes roaming over her body from head to toe, eager to taste her flesh. Olivia desperately removed the remaining clothes without once removing her eyes from Alex. When Olivia's naked skin met Alex's for the first time without the barrier of any clothes both moaned out in erotic pleasure. _

"_Look at me Alex, see me loving you." Olivia asked in a silky voice._

_Alex opened her eyes; eyes clouded with an erotic haze stared down at her. Olivia slowly descended atop her body, a strong thigh insinuating itself between two well toned thighs. Olivia groaned at the contact with Alex's evident desire. Olivia buried her face against Alex's neck, kissing and tasting the soft flesh._

"_Liv, Liv," Alex kept repeating between moans of pleasure. Liv's mouth was driving her crazy, just as she had promised there was not a single piece of skin that the detective did not touch, kiss or lick in a slow torturous manner. "Please Liv, please."_

"I'm loving you Alex." Liv whispered capturing a swollen nipple in her mouth, licking and nibbling at it while with an index finger and thumb worked on its twin; Alex arched in pleasure, "Oh God Liv, please! Take me now!"

'_Soon, very soon." Olivia promised, descending slowly down Alex's abdomen, kissing, licking and caressing her way down. 'Oh this is so delicious' Olivia thought lost in a sea of sensations that was driving Alex crazy. She could feel Alex reaching the point of no return as Alex moaned under her_

Their bodies were bathed in the flickering light of the candles that had been strategically placed. The soft popping and crackling of the fire was accompanied by the sounds of two sweaty bodies working against each other, rocking to an ancient rhythm. Alex arched against Olivia, screaming out Olivia's name when the orgasm exploded in her interior. Olivia continued to move inside her, loving her, owning her. She let Alex's name escape in a groan, her body tense, moaning and calling out to Alex as her own body was taken by an intense orgasm. "Alex…Alex…"

_The candles had been consumed hours ago; the wood in the chimney almost burned out, and the light of the moon peeked through the curtains as Alex lay cradled against Olivia. She had one leg over Olivia and an arm around her waist and her face buried in Liv's neck, completely relaxed._

"_I love you" murmured Alex sleepily against a shoulder._

"_I love you too." Olivia responded squeezing Alex against her, her hand lazily caressing her back slowly rocking her to sleep. _

_Olivia didn't remember ever having felt as happy in her entire life as she did at that moment with the young attorney resting in her arms with their still damp bodies from their recent love making. She not only felt thoroughly satisfied, but for once in her life she felt complete. For the first time in her life Olivia Benson felt that she deserved to be happy and all because of the marvelous and beautiful woman in her arms._

_With a profound sigh of satisfaction Olivia closed her eyes…_

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	9. Chapter 7 Ripples

Forgive my tardiness in posting this new chapter. Even though it is not as long as the previous ones, it is necessary in order to continue with the plot of the story. Don't forget to leave your comments, it's what feeds my muse and gives me the energy to continue.

Thanks to all those that have given me reviews and those who have read the story.

**Don forget the big R's**

Now, on with the show…

**Chapter 7****Ripples**

There are moments in life that mark you, no matter if it's good or bad; there are moments that take only a second that will make a difference as to whether you'll be happy or bitter. It is those instances in life that define you as a person, the ones that show you what you are really made of and you discover your strengths and weaknesses. There are those that even if they have nothing can overcome the most horrible adversities and there are those that crumble like a house of cards when confronted by the tiniest of obstacles.

Her story was one of those in which the instances in her life marked her on this day, you could say by accident since there is no way to pick who your parents will be. Life on this day had decided to place her with the Cabot family. From her crib, she had been destined to have a life of luxury and wealth with a silver spoon in her mouth, designer clothes, private schools, country club and a career full of successes. It was expected from the only daughter of Alexander Cabot III and Caroline Whitley.

Since she was a child, she had demonstrated obstinacy and persistence in achieving what she wanted. And one of the things she most desired had been to be taken seriously. At an early age, she had learned that being a Cabot opened many doors but because she was a blonde with blue eyes and heiress to a fortune also guaranteed that she wouldn't be considered very intelligent or capable of making smart decisions about her future. Everyone expected her to do the right and most convenient thing given the status of her life, everyone that is except, ironically, her parents, who contrary to what was expected they always estimated their daughter to do more than just rely on the family fortune.

That was definitely an advantage, the disadvantage lay in that no one else saw it that way, after all, she was a Cabot and Alexandra soon learned to pick the cards that life dealt her. She discovered that in order to survive in this world of elite social status she had to act a certain way for each individual scene. Sometimes the blonde heiress roll was the best way to get her way and others it was easier to pretend that she didn't have a trust fund, which sometimes made it easier for her to achieve her goals. It was how she managed to get to NYC, by accepting a job that for many was not appropriate for someone with her upbringing. Her parents were not very sure of her decision but they did not stand in her way.

The true reason for her decision was not a popular one, actually, she was the only one that knew it and the very reason she took the job. No one would ever imagine that while at Harvard Alex would have an epiphany that her apparent disinterest for the prospective males in her life were nothing more than her total lack of interest for the male gender and not the capacity to be able to stand the idea of being under a man's thumb. And it was this same self revelation that cemented her future decisions. An experience she would never forget, one that marked her forever and made her promise herself that she would never submit to that cross bearing pain. The loss was too profound and she did not think she would be able to live through it again.

With fortitude, she began working for the Manhattan District offices and with equal determination achieved her objective. Only a few people knew that when the Morris Commission had begun to evaluate the different areas of the NYPD at the same time feelers were put out as to who would be best suited for the primary SVU ADA position. She was able to subtly volunteer for the post, everyone believed the reason had always been political, that her aspirations were what dictated her steps, they were not far from the truth, but behind those ambitions was something else, something that only she knew and that was enough.

She did not expect to be welcomed with open arms, much less seen as an asset; she knew very well that the suspicions that were surfacing were because of her appointment by the brass, someone to watch the unit at the Manhattan 16th precinct and could obtain results that were satisfactory. Alexandra Cabot was more than ready to take the job, but nothing absolutely nothing could have prepared her for what she would find there. You should never, say never, she reminded herself the moment she stepped into the precinct.

She never expected to find herself with what she found there, to feel what she felt the moment she met her, and of course she never imagined she'd have such a contrary reaction to her. Her entire being rebelled, her mind barricaded itself against the assault to her senses. Alexandra Cabot had a reputation as the "Ice Queen" and for God's sake, she needed that reputation now. Because she never imagined that, those deep brown eyes could melt her defenses with a single look.

Moreover, it was the "Ice Queen" that everyone feared and respected, with coldness and ferocity she fought tooth and nail with the detectives but more so with Olivia so that the cases that they gave her were airtight. She would not permit her feelings to play a role in her decisions that in the justice system you could not afford to have. However, Alex was much like a moth to a flame and the more she tried to rationalize with her legal mind what she felt, it was impossible not to flutter in front of that hypnotic flame.

Perhaps it was respect for her as an officer of the court that led them to occasionally invite her to have a drink with the detectives after a hard fought case or a case that did not seem to have a favorable end. Perhaps it was the fact that they were the only two women in a world dominated primarily by men that she accepted Olivia's invitations to breakfast or lunch to discuss the cases on which they were always working on. Perhaps her curiosity at noticing Olivia's barely contained anger at seeing her with a date that brought her to the second epiphany of her life.

Those instances in a life that take you by surprise and that determine if you are capable of grasping your happiness or turn your back on it. It was during one of those unexpected instances that Alex Cabot discovered that it was not fear of holding back that left her feeling cold, but the fear of discovering that after all she was willing to give her everything. That for Liv she was capable of anything, that the fear that took over her soul was none other than the fear of what she most wanted and needed… Olivia.

Alex Cabot always knew what she wanted and always knew that for her she was capable of putting up the White flag. That laying her heart at Liv's feet was the only option because after all any other alternative was simply inadmissible. The same day that she woke up with the decision of laying her cards out on the table, on that very day, Alex felt her heart break into a million pieces when she saw Olivia's expression of betrayal and pain. At the very moment that her mouth opened to ask if she was drunk at just the moment that she thought she saw Eric Plummer. Seeing Olivia leave her office as if a thousand devils were pursuing her made her realize that perhaps and just perhaps she had destroyed the tenuous and fragile friendship that they had both forged.

When she found out from Captain Cragen what had happened with Plummer, Alex did not doubt for a moment her decision...the same way her legal mind had not thought twice about the question she had made to the detective when she had said she had seen Plummer following her- so as soon as it was possible she headed over to Olivia's apartment. Just as she was about to get out of her vehicle she noticed Elliot leaving the building looking very serious and thoughtful. She did not allow him to see her and when he was out of sight walking in the rain. Alex hurried into the building just as someone else was running in trying to get out of the rain.

Alex definitely didn't regret using her ADA ID badge to have the doorman open Olivia's apartment and she didn't regret for a second having used her influence and any bit of conscience that she had left to stop her from invading the detective's privacy, died when she saw her lying on the floor in a fetal position her body shaking in sobs. Her heart broke once again if that were possible, her heart cried with Olivia and without holding back or questioning whether it was the intelligent thing to do, she took her in her arms, knelling next to her and refusing to let her go when despite Olivia's shock state she refused to accept any consolation.

The attorney had learned to read her in the previous months she had spent observing her from afar and knew perfectly well that Olivia was without a doubt her own worst enemy and critic. She did not doubt for a moment that Olivia was questioning herself at that very moment and feeling just as much of a killer as the worst perpetrators. In addition, she knew well that if she allowed Olivia to hide away behind that wall of guilt she would not be able to tear it down. She refused to let her go and with an equally strong will she refused to leave her alone. And with equal courage she knew that if there was a perfect time to let Olivia know of her true feelings this was it.

When Olivia finally awoke the next day feeling a bit disoriented, Alex was cradling her. She heard Olivia murmur incoherently and when her eyes finally found Alex's she let them become the mirrors to her soul, without walls to protect her heart. Moreover, she knew now Olivia understood what her eyes where laying at her feet and the promises that they made. _I am here to stay_.

************

"Oh Liv." Alex whispered through the glass, putting her hand against it. "Forgive me. Forgive me." She murmured repeatedly as tears descended silently down her face.

Because Alex Cabot knew she had broken that promise.

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	10. Chapter 8 Collateral Damage

**AN:**I'm sorry for the late update, my muse was on vacation for a few days and while I was concentrated on another story that I am writing for the BoP fandom.

Thanks for reading and all your reviews, also thanks to all those who had me added to their favourite story list and Story alert list. V

**AN2: June/01: I thougtht that this chapter is too long so I'm splitting in two, so chapter 11 as FF its going to announce shortly it's not a new chapter, just the other half of Chapter 8 Collateral Damage.**

**Please Review :)**

**Chapter 8 Collateral Damage**

It was just past 10 at night, Elliot stopped the car outside the elegant building, then after turning it of sat there for a moment thinking, wondering if it what he was about to do was wise. He wasn't questioning what he was about to do, but whether it was the right time to do it. Normally a visit at this hour could only mean one thing, bad news, and at that moment, Elliot Stabler wasn't sure if what he needed to tell Caroline Cabot wouldn't be taken as such.

He took a few deep breaths to calm himself, he was still wound up and he doubted he would be able to settle down tonight. His partner's critical condition had his nerves fried and on edge. He hadn't wanted to leave the hospital, leaving Alex alone, even though she really wasn't. Finn was there as well as a few officers in civilian clothing. Capitan Cragen had made the hospital security aware of the delicate situation without revealing Alex Cabot presecense in the facility; even so, he knew that against someone like Velez it might not be enough.

Finally, Elliot opened the car door and stepped out but not before putting up the plaque identifying the vehicle as police on the dashboard. He locked the car and with a firm step headed to the entrance of the building. A doorman wished him a good evening then opened the door. He headed to the reception desk and asked to be announced. After a few minutes, they told him he could go up. Elliot nodded and without another word headed to the elevators. Caroline Cabot's penthouse consisted of the whole top floor of the building so after punching the PH button he waited as patiently as he could.

He had his eyes closed when the doors opened, leading into a spacious foyer, covered in expensive looking marble. To the side stood a small granite covered table with a large gilded mirror above it, on the table sat a huge vase of fresh cut flowers, he stepped out of the elevator he moved towards a large heavy door and was about to knock, when a man stepped out whom he assumed was the butler and out stepped a man who he assumed was the butler.

"Good Evening Detective Stabler come in, Mrs. Cabot is waiting for you." He said with an English accent.

Yep Butler, Elliot thought, "Thank you," he inclined his head slightly and followed the Butler. He had never been in Alex's mother penthouse, he knew from Olivia that Alex's family was very well off, even so, at the moment he entered the elegant penthouse he couldn't help but to be astounded. Not only was it elegant and done in good taste but also screamed money, old money.

The Butler stopped in front of a set of sliding glass French doors; he knocked lightly and slid open the door announcing his presence. "Detective Stabler ma'am"

"Thank you George," The well-educated and elegant voice of Caroline Cabot responded as she stood. The sitting room was elegantly decorated in the Luis XV style, which Stabler personally hated because of its ostentatiousness. Even so, he put on a neutral expression. "Detective" Caroline greeted, "Come in and take a seat, I must confess that your visit has taken me by surprise and more so the lateness of the visit." She added in slight reproach looking at him inquisitively.

"Good evening Mrs. Cabot, I'm sorry for coming to see you so late but it was necessary." Elliot explained. "Given the circumstances I thought it was the most convenient." He looked into her eyes trying to read her expression, however, just like her daughter, Caroline Cabot only demonstrated a curious interest.

"Tell me what could be so delicate that it requires a visit at this hour? You must be aware detective that I was about to retire to my room when your visit was announced." Caroline commented.

Elliot looked towards the door before returning his eyes to Alex's mother. She must have noticed because she added, "We are alone Detective, is there a specific reason why you are being so mysterious?

"Yes ma'am, what I came to tell you as I said before is very sensitive." Elliot confirmed.

"I see." She raised an eyebrow slightly, "In that case, tell me would you like a drink? Please forgive my rudeness; it must be the late hour."

"No I'm fine," He refused sitting down more nervous than he was before under Alex's mother's scrutiny, you owe me big time Olivia. Elliot thought to himself.

"Very well, tell me, I don't like to beat around the bush Detective, so please tell me what you came to tell me, now. After my daughter's death there isn't anything that would shock me anymore." Caroline pointed out with bitter disappointment without removing her gaze from his.

Elliot got to his feet unable to remain seated under Mrs. Cabot's watchful gaze. It was apparent that his presence bothered her; of course Elliot could certainly understand the reason for her hostility. She knew that he and Olivia had been with Alex the day that she had been "killed", so it was reasonable to assume that she blamed them to a certain extent for the death of her only daughter. He blamed himself for not having been able to sense it, for not being able to protect not only Alex but Olivia as well. Because after all Alex was the woman Liv loved and to be forced to pretend she was dead and not knowing anything about whether she was safe or not, it had been a living hell for Liv.

"I want you to know that I'm very sorry that I had to come here tonight to tell you what I have to say." He said in a grave tone. "I'm sorry that the circumstances have to be so unpleasant and I would also like to beg your forgiveness because it is I that must tell you.

"Detective, please stop beating around the bush," Carolina sighed in displeasure, she felt anxious and her nerves were on end. Elliot's presence in her house reminded her of the night just a little over two years ago, of the experience that caused her nightmares to this day. _No, _she thought, _a mother never recovers from the loss of a daughter, never. "_Whatever you have to say please say it."

Elliot's jaw clinched as he nodded, he took a deep breath letting out the air slowly. "My partner Olivia Benson is in the hospital at this very moment Mrs. Cabot. She was shot four times at close range when we were investigating some clues on a case. Before she lost consciousness she asked for Alex." He paused; the image of his dying partner surrounded by a pool of blood assaulted his mind, causing him to stutter impotently. "She…you knew they were…"

"A couple, yes I knew," Caroline interrupted impatiently, "The situation wasn't exactly to my liking but I was aware of it. Alex was very clear what she thought of my position against the relationship with Detective Benson. I'm sorry for what happened to her and I understand why she would "call" for Alex, but what does that have to do with me Detective Stabler?" She said harshly. "Alex and I were distanced since her insistence to continue with a relationship that would ruin her professional career, so forgive me for saying so, but I don't understand why the fact that Detective Benson is…" she looked at him questioningly, Elliot had still not made clear what Olivia's status was.

"She's in critical care at the ICU at Bellevue." Elliot said sensing his anger rise to his neck. He knew perfectly well Alex's situation with her mother. He also knew how painful it was for Olivia to know that she was the cause of the rift between Alex and her mother. She felt at fault because her love for the attorney was the cause of pain and sadness for Alex; if he had had any doubt why Alex had chosen to let Olivia know the truth of her supposed death and not her mother, now he understood why. "I'm sorry for you Mrs. Cabot," He couldn't help but say it. "Sorry because now I understand why Alex distanced herself from you and I also understand that despite everything your daughter loves you."

"My daughter is dead!" She cut him off with a deadly look. "Or have you forgotten Detective Stabler that you were with her when it happened?" Her voice rose slightly, tremulous from pain. "You and that woman that despite swearing to give her life before letting something hurt her, Failed!" She got to her feet; her body language was very antagonistic. "Or aren't you aware of that? Did not Detective Benson tell you? She came to see me two days before that tragic day to ask me for her hand, she wanted to do things properly" the quiver in her voice was perfectly audible "She told me that Alex loved me and that she loved Alex and to make her happy was the only purpose in her life and she could not stand the idea that my daughter and I should be distanced because of her. She asked me to remember that Alex was still my daughter no matter whom she loved. She promised to make her happy, protect her and love her." She spit out in fury tears stung her tormented eyes. "She promised me!" She murmured her voice full of pain. "She promised, she was supposed to take her to Tabern on the green and I would be there to tell her that she had my blessing. Did you know that Detective? I'm sorry that Olivia Benson is in the hospital, but don't take me wrong, I am sorry because my daughter would not have wanted it this way, but I can't…I" Her voice broke and she fell in the chair gripping a hand against her mouth.

Elliot was in total shock when he heard what Mrs. Cabot had to say. _Oh God Liv! _I did not know. It was true he knew that Olivia had intended to ask Alex to marry her, but he never told her that she was planning to do it the day after Alex's "death". After a few minutes, Elliot regained control and approached Mrs. Cabot.

"Mrs. Cabot, please listen to me." He begged softly, a tone that could not be taken for Stabler's usual cold and hard attitude. "Alex is alive. That is the reason why I am here. She needs you, now more than ever Mrs. Cabot. Alex is alive."

If it had not been for his quick reflexes, those born from years on the police force and the Marines, Elliot would now be suffering from a broken nose at the very least when Mrs. Cabot's head had jerked up suddenly. She looked at him incredulously her eyes swollen and red.

"WHAT!" She yelled unsteadily. "What…what are you saying?" She began to shake staring at him incredulously, looking for signs of truth.

"Alex is alive." Elliot repeated calmly. "She didn't die during the attempt, but it was the only way to keep her that way. She has been under the WPP for the last two years. If Alex hadn't "died' officially you would have been the next target. She agreed to go into the program so you could be safe." Elliot explained trying to ease the impact when she found out that Olivia was aware all along. "She asked to speak to Olivia before she left. She couldn't leave without letting her know that she was alive. Alex knew what believing that she was dead would do to Liv."

Carolina Cabot drew back as if someone had slapped her, her daughter was alive and not only that, Olivia Benson had known. She had to know that Alex was alive; her only daughter had chosen Olivia over her to tell the truth. A blind bury mixed with profound pain took over her.

She got to her feet on trembling legs and headed for the bar, serving herself a shot of whiskey, and downing it in one gulp. She gripped her hands against the bar in an attempt to control her emotions; Trying not to scream like a wounded animal. At that moment, she was not the refined and elegant Caroline Cabot, the woman that even under the worst circumstances ever lost her composure. At that moment, she was only a mother who for two years had lived with the idea that her only daughter was dead. Believing that Alex had been killed thinking her mother did not accept her relationship with the woman she loved, believing that her mother…! Oh God! It was just too much.

"Alex needs you Mrs. Cabot." Elliot insisted, without knowing what else to say at that moment. "She asked me to come and…"

"Alex is alive," Carolina murmured before turning to look at Elliot in anger. "You knew, she knew!" She exclaimed, "During the last two years I have suffered the unmentionable, believing her dead and you come to my house to tell me that you knew! That both of you knew! What was I Stabler, collateral damage? Are the feelings of a mother not important? For God's sake, I am her mother! I should have known! You should have told me!" She yelled almost histerically.

"Ma'am please understand, Alex couldn't tell you, it would have put your life in danger, she did it because she loved you." Elliot pointed out trying to calm her down. "It wasn't easy, Alex couldn't tell you."

"But she told Benson, isn't that so?" She spit out bitterly, "I, her mother did not get that privilege. She preferred that I suffer her death, to believe her dead before me.

"Olivia wouldn't have survived thinking that Alex was dead, and she knew it," Elliot proclaimed. "Alex is her life," he added in a defeated voice. "Before she died…" Caroline looked at him disbelievingly, "She died Mrs. Cabot, three times her heart stopped." He swallowed past the knot in his throat as he remembered. "Before she died her last words were Alex's name, even as she lay dying Mrs. Cabot, Olivia never stopped thinking of Alex."

"Where is my daughter?" Carolina asked her face drawn and weary, yes the truth was overwhelming but she knew what it was like to lose the love of your life, she knew perfectly well. Perhaps she hated the fact that Alex preferred Olivia to her but she also knew what it was like to love and want to die for that love. "You said she was in the witness protection program?"

"She is here, in New York, at Bellevue with Olivia." He clarified.

"I don't understand." Carolina had returned to the sofa, letting herself fall listlessly "You said she had been in the program, is her life out of danger now?" She looked at him inquiringly.

"No," He confessed. "We brought her back secretly. The Marshalls brought her from where she was hiding. I asked Agent Hammond to do it.

"What!" Carolina exclaimed stupefied. "Her life continues to be in danger and you brought her to the city without caring?" She stared at him not even considering what he had said.

"Olivia was dying Mrs. Cabot." He defended his decision. "Alex wouldn't have forgiven herself if Olivia died without her knowing or being at her side. Neither one of them deserves this forced separation. They love each other, the least that I could do was to assure myself that if the worst should happen, Alex, would be by her side and not off in some unknown place, alone and unaware of what was happening to the woman she loved."

"Her life is still in danger Detective, what would happen if the man that ordered her killed finds out? How will that help her be at Olivia's side if that man reaches his objective?" She reminded him in frustration. "How will that help either of them?"

"If Olivia dies…" He proclaimed. "I doubt that Alex would want to continue living and the same would happen to her. Olivia should be dead Mrs. Cabot, knowing that Alex is at her side is keeping her alive. You weren't there, from the moment in which she came into the ICU, Olivia's vital signs improved and stabilized. Olivia knows that she is there and is fighting to stay with her. Please Mrs. Cabot." Elliot hated begging, hated to show emotion. In his line of work he couldn't afford to, however, they were talking about Olivia, his friend, his sister. "Alex needs you; she's suffering, still believing that you won't be happy that she is alive."

"What? She exclaimed in surprise. "That I would not be hap…? But why? No…" She blubbered incoherently, "how can it be possible."

"You yourself said it Mrs. Cabot, Alex joined the program believing you didn't approve of her decision of loving Olivia. She still believes the same thing." He reminded her.

"Oh." She accepted in shame. "My God," She covered her face with her hands. "I don't know, I…I suppose they won't let me see her right now? Correct?" She looked at Elliot.

"Yes, probably, but I don't think that it would be convenient that you go right now." He reasoned. "I must remind you that Alex is still in danger, so when you go to the hospital it will be necessary for you to do so under the proper protection and with extreme caution. Obviously, we can't be too noticeable. We don't know if you are still under their observation, we doubt it, but it is better to take the proper precautions.

"I understand." Caroline breathed deeply trying to calm her racing heart. She felt short of breath and overwhelmed by her emotions. "I think I can pretend that I have to go to the hospital, after all the Cabot Foundation has interests at Bellevue, it wouldn't be odd to pay a visit."

"No, no it wouldn't; besides it's possible that they are already aware of what happened to Olivia. It wouldn't be strange that you demonstrated some worry for her, after all she was a co-worker to Alex, don't you agree?"

"That is something that until today I never understood." She inclined her head looking at him in confusion. "If Olivia is so important in her life, how it is they didn't know about it? It would have made more sense to take her companions life."

"No one knew." Elliot sadly confessed. "Only I did. Both of their jobs would have been subjected to scrutiny. Alex was thinking of transferring to another department after the case was closed. She did not want to continue living in secret. They were getting ready to live together, you just confirmed it, and Olivia was going to propose."

Caroline nodded fully understanding the implications of such a relationship between her daughter and Detective Benson, Alex being the SVU primary ADA, the same unit that Olivia's; if that had come out it would have been disastrous both legally and professionally.

"How is my daughter Detective Stabler?" She asked after a moment of reflection at what the Detective might tell her.

"Brokenhearted," He didn't try to sweeten the truth, he figured Mrs. Cabot wouldn't take that well. "She's trying to hang on, but you have to understand that it's a very delicate situation, not only Olivia's condition but also her own situation."

"I suppose so. Do you need anything else Detective?" She asked tiredly. "I'll stop by the hospital tomorrow during visiting hours."

"Yes, Alex asked me to tell you she needs clothes and toiletries. She was picked up directly from work there was no time to get her bags. She has noting with her…"

"I understand." She cut him off, "I'll take care of it. Is there any way for me to contact her now?"

"You can call Finn, he is there now taking care of security, but I don't think it would be wise Mrs. Cabot. Alex is barely holding on to her control and I feel that if she hears your voice she…" Caroline raised a hand halting any further explanations.

"You are right, forgive me. It is all just so overwhelming, finding out that Alex is alive has been quite a shock."

"I understand perfectly Mrs. Cabot." He smiled sympathetically. "Will you need someone to drive you to the hospital? I can come by or…" he offered.

"I do not believe it is prudent Stabler if I am not supposed to know the truth. I do not think it would be very intelligent that I arrive at the hospital under police protection. Let us keep this simple so as not to raise suspicion.

"You are right," he concided, "When you arrive go directly to ICU, I'll leave you my card so you can call me when you get to the hospital. I'll be waiting for you at the entrance to the ICU so I can take you to Alex." He removed a card from his wallet and handed it to her.

"Very well goodnight Detective. I'll walk you to the door." She got to her feet.

"That won't be necessary, I regret that this happened the way it did," He apologized sincerely, "but there was no other way."

"I am not sure I can forgive the fact that she knew the truth and I did not." She said with cold sincerety, "But whether I like it or not, I understand her reasons. Goodnight Detective, I will see you tomorrow."

Elliot agreed and left without saying another Word. Once in his car, Elliot contact Finn, telling him that he was going home to rest a bit and that he would be there first thing in the morning to relieve him. It's not that he really wanted to, but he needed his wife at that moment. The next few days would be hard and he doubted he would be at home much. Afterall the world didn't stop rotating and they couldn't put SVU on hold because one of its detectives was in the hospital fighting for her life.

**Don't forget to leave your comments :)**


	11. Chapter 8 Collateral Damage II

**AN:130609** Thanks for the reviews, you guys rock!, BTW I've already written the next 3 chapters, actually it have to be just one but the arc is pretty long, so please be patient because now is in my editor hands and she just came back from a short trip...sick, she is in bad mood, so better not to make her more cranky -if I ask for how the editing is going? she cuts my head off- so I'll wait. Sigh.

**Don't forget to review, my muse tends to feel sad from time to time**.

****

The following day, Caroline Cabot went into the Hospital with a small carrying case; it was one of the ones with the Cabot Foundation logo. This way it would look like she was there on official business and no for what it was a visit. Inside the case was a pair of pants, blouses and lingerie for Alex as well as toiletries. Just moments before getting out of her car, she had called Detective Stabler to let him know she had arrived. She told the chauffer to find a parking spot since she would be occupied for several hours then stepped out and headed for the hospital lobby. Just as Stabler had indicated he was waiting at the elevators on the floor where the ICU unit was located.

"Good Morning Detective Stabler. How is Olivia?" She asked in a worried tone, afterall she was her daughter's partner.

"She's still in a delicate state but stable. She's still under an induced coma; her wounds were severe and required several hours of surgery."

"What about her?" She did not dare say her name aloud. As the detective had told her discretion was a priority. No one must know that Alex Cabot was not only alive but that she was here.

"We managed to get her to rest in a private room reserved for relatives of patients in the ICU. It's only been a couple of hours she's been there, let's hope she's sleeping. She refused to take a sedative for fear of not being at Olivia's side if she should need her.

"I understand."

Elliot escorted her through the main hallway to the ICU where there were several doors. Alex's was the third one to the right.

"Go on in, I'll be out in the hall." He gestured to a seating area at the end of the hallway. "The only entrance is through there." He said in a low voice.

"Good, I know that I didn't tell you last night, but I'm sorry, it was such a shock to hear that my daughter is alive. Thank you for telling me the truth Detective." She smiled in appreciation.

Elliot nodded and opened the door softly; peeking to make sure Alex was fine. When he saw her lying down with her eyes closed, he stepped back out and let Mrs. Cabot go in. "Whatever you need I'll be right outside."

"Once again thank you." She whispered. Elliot shut the door and Caroline turned towards where Alex was, her heart tightened when she saw her daughter curled up tightly on the small bed against the wall. Alex face was covered in dry tears; it was obvious that she had fallen asleep crying. Very carefully, she drew near and extended a hand to touch her, she paused for a moment unsure before finally letting herself touch her, realizing that her daughter was truly alive.

"Oh Lexi," she sobbed soundlessly, "My Lexi." Her eyes filled with tears and with no strength left, she dropped down on the cot next to her daughter, cradling her face. Alex must have felt her because she woke up startled looking around her completely disoriented not knowing where she was before her memory came back.

"Mother" She gasped when she recognized her mother sitting next to her.

"Oh, Lexi" Her mother leaned over her, pulling her against her body. "Lexi, Lexi, I thought you were dead." She groaned in between sobs without letting her go.

Finally, the firm control that Alex Cabot had maintained on her emotions came crumbling down in a crashing wave. The tears and pain came pouring out.

"Mother, I didn't think that…Oh mom, she…she…my Liv."

"Shh, shh Lexi, everthing will be fine." Her mother consoled, hugging her and whispering sweet words into her hair. Both cried, one because she needed to let out the pain and uncertainty and the other for happiness that her daughter was alive. The circumstances might not be ideal, but what could it matter in that moment after two years of suffering.

Much, much later after Alex calmed down, her mother smiled at her and caressed her face in reverence.

"I am so happy to know that you are alive Lexi." Her mother confessed referently.

"It's been years since you last called me that." Alex said in surprise.

Her mother laughed softly. "I stopped doing it because you didn't like it, don't you remember? You were a woman and you said it did not fit you anymore. But for me you have always been my Lexi."

"I can't believe you're here." Alex confessed looking at her mother intently. She did not miss the shadow of pain that crossed her mother's features.

"How can you think like that Lex? I'm your mother of course I would come to be at your side."

"Forgive me mother but the last time that we spoke, we argued and you…" Caroline raised her hand.

"Alex I know what I said and I know what you must think, but my reaction or attitude was not for the reasons you think." She expressed uncomfortably "Whom you choose to love is your decision my dear, ain't nobody to forbide you to do so.

"But," she shook her head disconcertadly, "you yourself told me that Olivia was a mistake in my life, that she wasn't right for me."

"Alex I know you think that my antagonism towards Olivia was because she was a woman, that's not so Lexi, for God's sake, you haven't been the first lesbian in the Cabot family. Nor shall you be the last one; I do not care about that. What I care about… is you. Lex you lived in a world that was extremely conservative, over the years you always told me what your ambitions were in the office of the District Attorney. You told me repeatedly what your goals were. I was afraid for you daughter. Living in an open lesbian relationship would be not only a bitter pill, but also a constant battle to vindicate yourself in this hostile world.

"Mother" Alex blew out exasperated. "I know I could have thought a lot of things and said a lot of things, but I also told you that I never imagined I'd fall in love with her, or that her love for me would turn into the reason of my existence. Mother, I did not know and I swear to God that I never thought I would feel the way I do, but you seemed to be completely against my relationship with her, in every sense.

"I know, Alex, I know.' She took a deep breath. "It was difficult daughter, I had my suspicions about your sexual orientation, but you never openly gave any indication, it is complicated Lexi. When you finally came out of the closet, it was to tell me that you were in love with Detective Benson and that you were planning to move in with her. Lex, you went from a non-existent social life, rarely dating men and never more than once or twice with the same man to an openly lesbian relationship! What did you expect?"

Alex had the decency of blushing "I didn't want to disappoint you, but the truth is, I had never fallen in love and going out with the ocassional man was easier and less complicated, at least until I met her, I just wanted your approval mother, nothing else."

Caroline sighed and hugged her again. "You have it Alexandra, you have always had it.

Alex relaxed against her mother hugging her in return, just like when she was a child and her mother consoled her. "I'm really afraid mother; Liv is in serious condition, I'm afraid…"

"Lexi do not think that way, she loves you. She will fight to stay with you." She gave her courage.

"You haven't seen her mother, she is so pale, and she looks so fragile." She said with a shiver "I'm afraid that if I close my eyes I will be back in that horrible place, far from her. I prayed every night that it was only a dream and that I would wake up and I would be here in Manhattan with her, with you. I never imagined that my prayers would be answered this way. Not at a cost to her, her life. Mother I do not want to live without her, not ever again.

"Oh Lexi, have faith, don't give up hope." Her mother begged.

Alex just hugged her feeling the tears running down her face, after a few minutes pulled away a bit.

"Have you eaten? You are skin and bones Alex." She chided.

"I…no, I couldn't think of eating and on the program well…" She shrugged.

"Now that you are here, let us remedy that situation. Olivia would not like to see you this way, she would go crazy with worry that some strong breeze might blow you away." She said teasingly.

"Oh, it's not that bad." She denied.

"Oh, really? For God's sake Alex," her mother huffed. "Let me go see Detective Stabler and have him go buy something for you to eat, I know you can't go out freely."

"No." Alex agreed. "It's still dangerous."

"We have to discuss that Alexandra." Alex shrank away before her mother's reproachful and hurt glare. She knew her mother had suffered when she found out the truth, but she knew if she could go back in time and she had to do it all over again she would make the same decision. Although maybe just maybe she might have done some things differently…Alex would have asked Olivia to go away with her. After two miserable years in Wisconsin, she would refuse. Now that she knew what it was like to live without her she would never do it again. No sir, Alexandra Cabot knew she would soundly refuse to go anywhere if she could not live with Olivia. Not again, not ever again without her Liv.

"I know mother, I know." She looked at her steadily, making her see what she knew perfectly well, I love you mother but she is my life.

"I will be right back." Caroline stood and she lowered her gaze, it was so hard to see a daughter growup but it was much harder knowing that your daughter would love someone more than you. It hurt, of course it hurt, but in her case Caroline knew that she was equally corresponded.

I am sorry mother. Alex thought watching her mother go out the door. But I love her more than life itself.

With a profound sigh Alex stood, she had noticed the bag her mother had brought with her, which she assumed what the contents were. She picked it up and began to look through it.

"Oh thank God." She said aloud, removing a pair of jeans and a clean shirt as well was clean under clothes. Everything had a designer label. Her mother had probably stopped to buy everything before coming here. Without giving it another thought, she went into the small bathroom that was in the room to change. Things always looked much better when she was clean.

Fort the momento all she could do was wait, wait and pray that Liv would recover. Please, Liv, please. She murmured to herself. I do not want to live without you Liv, do not make me…

_Please…_

**Don't forget to leave your comments :)**


	12. Chapter 9 Breakup

_**AN:** _Forgive me for the late update, RL had been hectic, This story arc consists of 3 different parts, in reality the whole chapter is only 30 pages so it's divided into 3, this is the first part. I beg for your patience because as you recall my native language is not English so my editor & beta reader has to review it first before seeing the light.

Don't forget to leave your comments, it's what feeds my muse and gives me the energy to continue.

Thanks to all those that have given me reviews and those who have read the story.

Now, on with the show…

_Chapter 9 Breakup_

_Being an __SVU__ detective was certainly not a __9 to 5__ job, you always knew when you were supposed to be there, but not when you were supposed to leave. Even after an all nighter spent searching for clues, or catching up on any one of the many cases that could probably curl the toes even of the most experienced. Therefore, sleeping actually meant closing your eyes for a couple of hours and with any luck not having those images flashing through your mind as you try to catch some sleep in the crib._

_During all those years in which Olivia Benson had been Detective she had never been bothered by waking at any hour of the night; her cell phone was always set to ring, whether it was to go to some unknown crime scene or to go interview a victim. No, it had never seemed a bother per se; it was part of the job after all, one that she had always been able to do willingly. It was true that sometimes these calls happened during the worst possible moments, in the middle of a date, in the early hours of the morning or when she had only just had less than 4 hours of sleep after a 48 hrs. shift. But all of these times Olivia would leave with an apology and with a promise of a phone call or another date to make up for the one that was missed. Soon enough the person who had been trying to go out with her was relegated to second place and then forgotten in the life of the detective._

_Being honest with herself Olivia on more than one occasion was more grateful than not that this was so, knowing that she was dedicated to her work and what that meant for her on a personal level. She knew she dedicated herself to each case 100%, that she wouldn't rest until she found justice and many times a bitter taste would remain in her mouth if she failed. But even if she did so, didn't mean she stopped trying to be what she was all the way through, an __SVU__ detective. It was her passion and her life._

_Being a Police Officer or Detective put you in a position that normal people couldn't understand if they didn't live it themselves. In reality many people could not understand that they worked many hours with high levels of stress and danger for low salaries in comparison to other high risk jobs. It was certainly ironic that the people that put their lives in the service of others and on the line of fire trying to look for justice and security for our society should be paid too poorly. Normally Olivia didn't bother with those things, from childhood she had always wanted to be a Police Officer, she had always known what the price would be and what she would have to pay. Almost all of her life she had been a loner by choice, she didn't like the loneliness but she preferred it because either way there weren't many people that could understand her choice of career and what she had to go through every day. It was a high price to pay personally and emotionally; each case was like a dagger to the heart of the detective and it hurt her not being able to see justice done. Many more nights than not she would wake up in a cold sweat and chills knowing once again she'd had a nightmare related to her work that kept her tossing and turning in her bed._

_Therefore, it wasn't odd that Olivia should be single or that she would only have an occasional date, most of the time canceled or interrupted by her work. It wasn't odd either for her to keep her private life private. Not even Elliot her work partner and her honorary adoptive brother knew if Olivia had or didn't have a boyfriend hidden somewhere. In fact, he didn't even know that Olivia was bisexual. On her days off se spent it doing who knew what._

_Elliot was married and he took advantage of the infrequent days off to spend time with his family. Olivia however, took advantage to do things that normally she couldn't do, everyday things like wash clothes, clean the apartment, buying groceries, even though she usually ate out, after all what was the point of making a meal if it was only for one. Besides, with her odd hours she was never home long enough to make a meal._

_So her fridge was usually empty, an occasional quart of milk past its expiration date, a couple of six packs of beer and some soft drinks. Her pantry consisted of the always-faithful jar of peanut butter and a few cans of soup and oatmeal. Olivia Benson's kitchen definitely was a sure sign of a woman married to her work and that rarely ever spent time at home._

_However, all rules have their exception and Olivia Benson fell in love with the person she least expected and a woman to top it off. The problem wasn't that she was a woman, but that this woman was none other than Alexandra Cabot, the Assistant District Attorney assigned to their unit. That Alex might be interested in her would be a total surprise for Olivia; one that she nevertheless was willing to accept despite the consequences. Loving Alex was not something that Olivia could help. They had been going out for the last four months and even though for them it was official, it was a stable relationship but could potentially be dangerous and professionally disastrous for both of them if anyone found out. So both continued to maintain the status quo, for the outside world they were only colleagues and friends who occasionally went out together and had a few drinks after work, each one with their own lives._

_The once normal but secret relationship that Olivia was dying to share with the world but was forbidden to do so was beginning to be a problem now. During the first three months of her relationship had been like a dream, it would seem that the powers that be had decided to give them an opportunity to get to know each other and settle into their relationship and therefore giving them time from their demanding work schedules. Even so, it appeared now that it had only been a temporary reprieve, since then it had been difficult for them to get together. In fact, just because they worked together seem to make things more impossible because either Olivia was on some investigation or Alex was preparing for trial, the same ones that Olivia was investigating, making it impossible for them to spend any quality time together._

_These and other dark thoughts were causing Olivia to remain alone in her apartment with a beer in her hand wondering as some program was on TV only for the ambient noise and not because she was interested in what was on, noise to keep her company so she wouldn't feel so damn alone. It was her first free day in two weeks and Alex wasn't there. The woman she loved and who she was hoping was still her girlfriend was at the moment at a Gala benefiting the Cabot Foundation, hanging from the arm of some guy who could probably pass as an underwear model for Calvin Kline, and who had made it quite clear that he was interested in Alex._

_Just recalling the scene that she saw just as she turned towards Alex's office made her blood boil with jealousy. Once Olivia had confirmed that she had the day off headed rapidly to the attorney's office to let her know and to make plans for that evening and the next day. What she saw on the way made her stop and make use of every known technique to calm down and not go over and beat the shit out of the guy that had his hand on Alex's arm invading her personal space and clearly marking her as his property. Alex was laughing at what he was saying and nodding, however, the attorney must have felt her presence because just then as Olivia was about to move towards her, Alex moved slightly away from the man in question._

_"Of course George, at eight is fine, I'm sorry but I can't go any earlier I have a lot of work to do and it will be impossible to have dinner with you."_

_"That's ok." George accepted with a letdown look on his face. "At least you'll be my date at the function." He smiled charmingly at her and leaned closer to kiss her, which landed on her check when Alex moved her head. A kiss that Olivia tried to pass off as if she didn't care based on her body language, as she relaxes against the wall just to one side of Alex's office. However, a blind fury burned in the detective's eyes, a fire that only Alex could see. "I'll see you tomorrow Lex." The man said goodnight looking at Olivia from the corner of his eye._

_"Goodnight George." Alex responded easily, turning to Olivia before opening the door to her office and inviting Olivia in with a slight nod of her head. Once the detective was inside Alex hurried to close the door securely, however when she tried to kiss Olivia she moved to aside and turned her back._

_Alex closed her eyes and sighed. "Liv, it's not what you think."_

_"I know it's not what you think I think, I know it's not what it seems, but I do know what it is." Olivia spat out with clenched teeth. "If I thought it was what it seemed to be we wouldn't be here talking at this moment, 'Lex'" she added sarcastically._

_"Liv, you know I have to attend the Gala. It's given by the Cabot Foundation, my mother expects me to be there." She said tiredly. _

_ "And? Can't you go by yourself or with me?" She turned to look at her; you could see the distress in her face. Alex opened her mouth but Olivia jumped in. "Or can't you take a friend? Or is it that we can't even be seen as friends even in public?" She asked ironically. Olivia knew that she was over reacting but damn the consequences she knew well enough that they had to be careful but when she saw Alex with that man it was more than she could handle at that moment. She had only slept no more than 4 hours in the last 72 hours, she was at the point of collapse and the only thing she wanted was to spend some time with the woman she loved. Was that too much to ask for? _

_"Olivia, for God's sake, this event has been on my agenda for months and my mother expects me to go with George, he's an old friend of the family and we always go together." Alex tried to explain, even though it sounded lame even for her. "He means nothing to me Liv, I have known him since we were children."_

_"And probably your mother and his have always wanted for you and him to get married, right?" She muttered, seeing the answer in Alex's eyes. "I saw the way he treats you Alex, I'm a detective, it's obvious that he's interested in you."_

_"But not me Olivia, don't be so irrational." Alex begged impatiently "It's something I have to do. You know perfectly well that there are functions that I have to be at because of the Foundation and when there are official functions. You also go to the Police Dept. functions._

_"I don't go on the arm of a man Alex at least I won't now that I'm with you, that's called respect. If I can't go with you I prefer not to go with anyone." Olivia declared feeling as if the little control she still had on her emotions was about to break._

_Alex sighed profoundly and her eyes turned into blue icebergs. "Are you telling me that I don't respect our relationship detective? I thought you had more trust in me but obviously not. Good day Olivia, I have a lot of work to do." She said and headed for her desk moving around Olivia who was standing frozen staring at Alex in caged rage._

_"I…" Olivia tried to say but she clinched her jaw, without another word opened the door, and rapidly left just barely avoiding running into anything or anyone in her blind fury._

_Without looking back, Olivia left the building at __One__Hogan__Plaza__ and took a taxi to her apartment. She was exhausted and she knew that in the state she was in it wouldn't do any good to try to apologize to Alex or even try to talk to her. Her reserves were down to zero and she might say something that she didn't really feel. The captain had given her the afternoon and the next day off to rest and she knew she needed it._

_Without thinking about it, Olivia took a shower and threw herself on the bed without eating. She fell asleep immediately forgetting that her cell was almost dead and that she had left the telephone off the hook. When she woke up the next day, it was after __noon__. She got up and went to get something to eat, she was starving and she didn't have anything at home to fix. She couldn't stop thinking of Alex, however, when she tried to call from a public phone because she had forgotten her cell, the call went directly to voicemail and she remembered that Alex had told her the morning before that she'd be in court all day._

_The day passed between making her purchases, cleaning up the apartment and doing the laundry. When she got back to the apartment from the laundry, she realized she had left the phone disconnected and that her cell phone was dead. She cursed under her breath and set the cell to charge; she then put the telephone in its place and decided to go see Alex as soon it was seven. When Olivia arrived at the attorney's building, she saw Alex leaving on the arm of George, dressed in a black satin strapless sheath. It was simple yet elegant. The attorney was laughing at something George had said and she looked at him as if he were the only man in the world. A red haze took over Olivia. With her arms tightly to her sides, she turned and left._

_She went into the first bar she saw and had two shots of bourbon in one gulp. She could feel the anger and the jealousy eat away at her insides. She tried to rationalize what she had seen. She knew how Alex could make a persona feel as if they were the most important or make them feel like a scumbag. But knowing this didn't help mitigate what she was feeling at that moment. She asked herself and not for the first time if it was worth the suffering she was feeling at that moment. Olivia had always known that Alexandra Cabot was way out of her league and she never thought that Alex would be interested. However, what good was it if her love had to be hidden in a secret place like something dirty to look at. What did it matter loving her if to the rest of the world she had to pretend they were nothing, barely even friends? In addition, she had to swallow her anger and jealousy when she saw her in the arms of another for social functions as she called them._

_For more than an hour Olivia sat at the bar with a drink in front of her thinking time and time again about Alex and how good she looked and how she hung on to her "childhood friend" arm. After her fourth drink, she decided that getting drunk would be not help. She paid her tab and took a taxi to her apartment. She was slightly drunk but what did it matter Seeing that she had plenty of overtime accumulated the first thing she did when she got to her apartment was call Captain Cragen, then asked for a couple of extra days off. Cragen agreed and told her to rest, it was smart to take a break when you needed it. He knew what the job they did could do to a person. Moreover, he knew that you could be burned out if you didn't take an occasional time out._

_So now, she was in her apartment with a warm beer in her hand thinking; going over and over her life before and after Alex. She didn't think she'd be able to stand it, to go back to the empty and solitary life without the attorney but she didn't think she'd be able to move forward if that meant she would have to live with the "Social Dates" Alex had. In one way or another, she was on the losing end. _

_The first three months had been great between them. Alex had not gone out to any function or with anyone up until a month ago. At first, she took it as just a necessary evil to deal with but when those outings became more frequent -apparently during that time of the year the functions were more recurrent- Olivia began to resent the situation, but she had never had to witness her attorney with a 'pseudo' date outside of the office and that was what now was driving her mad. Not only had it been the social events, but also how demanding her work had gotten lately therefore more work for Alex as well. They hardly had any time together and that was driving Olivia crazy._

_The times that they had managed to get together was usually interrupted by the ringing of the detective's cell. Alex always seemed to understand, she knew better than anyone what the job was and knew what it meant to Olivia to solve the case and what it meant for her. Nevertheless, was it worth it? Olivia would ask herself over and over again._

_The pain she was feeling at the thought that maybe she had been stupid for falling in love might be too much. Both of them had a responsibility to their jobs. Both of them had a lot to lose if anyone found out what they had. Did they still have something?_

_Upset Olivia drank down the rest of the beer, turned off the TV and headed to her room, falling like a log on the bed. The bourbon shots she'd had and the beer combo had done their job. Olivia slept soundly, not even hearing the phone or the door that kept buzzing incessantly._

**Review! If you can read, you also can take a couple of minutes to let me know what ya think :) Thanks!**


	13. Chapter 10 Misunderstandings

**AN: **Ok, I remember you dear readers that this chapter is part of an arc, which this is the second part. I'm not so sure if I've confused you with in the way I'm writing this story.

Just for the record, the chapters in italics are mostly Olivia's POV. In other words this is a parallel story, their story and the story. If you recall how the prologue endend… "_God, if I close my eyes for just a moment I can feel her name kissing my lips, Alex…"_

Besides, this fic will be long; at the moment it could appear that I am spending a lot of time in the past, but in reality I am only trying to establish the approach that will explain the present until past and present merge together as one. Just be patient, it's going to be a long way but eventually we will get there.

Please review! I'll be a happy camper if you do so. Thanks to all those that have given me reviews and those who have read the story so far. V

Now on with the show…

**Chapter 10 Misunderstandings**

_The next day Olivia packed a small suitcase, she called an old friend from her university days that she hardly ever saw and left for __Albany__ for a couple of days. She needed to think and being closeted in her apartment by herself was driving her crazy. Before she left she called Elliot letting him know that she was taking a few vacation days She explained that she was exhausted and that she would have her cell turned off but that she would call him when she got back. Elliot seemed worried for her but she assured him that she was just tired and in need of some fresh air. Stabler wasn't completely convinced at with her explanation but he knew she would tell him her reasons when she felt ready and not before. They said goodbye and she left to catch the train._

_When she got back to work on Monday, Olivia had decided to talk to Alex and apologize for having disappeared and secondly to explain what she was feeling every time Alex that she had to attend some social function on the arm of a man. After having thought long and hard and with the help from her friend she arrived at the conclusion that living without Alex Cabot wasn't something that she wanted but they also had to clear up some things. Olivia hadn't actually told how her what she felt when Alex had to attend functions, at least she hadn't been totally honest and she should be if she wanted to save what they had. _

_Olivia had tried to contact Alex after her second day in __Albany__ but she never answered the phone and her cell always went straight to voicemail. She left a couple of messages but her calls were never returned. Olivia was beginning to suspect that Alex was avoiding her; she couldn't blame her after all._

_All morning Olivia was busy trying to catch up on what was happening at the precinct. At lunch time she was planning to go see Alex when a call came in about a case and she and Elliot had to run out. When they returned almost two hours later with a suspect under custody Alex was there. But she didn't look or say anything to her, aware that this wasn't the moment Olivia concentrated on her work._

_ "Book him," Alex said in a serious voice. "We have sufficient evidence to try him. I hope to have the preliminaries by this afternoon." She turned to Elliot who was just entering Cragen's office and after a nod from Elliot quickly left the office._

_"Alex, can we talk." Olivia's voice stopped her. "I'd like…"_

_"I am very busy Detective Benson." Cabot's cold voice responded without turning back. "I have to be in court in 20 minutes" and without another word walked out._

_Olivia stood there starring at her back, knowing she couldn't follow her without raising suspicion. She lifted her shoulders as if it didn't matter in case someone was watching and sat at her desk to do the paperwork for the guy they had just arrested._

_When Olivia later went to Alex's office it was closed, obviously she had left early. She called her at home but she didn't answer, she tried her cell again but with no luck. The Detective began to feel desperate because she knew she had acted stupidly when she disappeared without having talked to Alex. But she had needed the time to think, however now the attorney didn't want to have anything to do with her._

_Disheartened Olivia returned to the precinct. She didn't want to go home only to be alone where she would think of more stupid things. She needed to talk to Alex._

_After spending two hours filling out paperwork and putting everything in order, Olivia decided that she couldn't wait any longer, Alex wasn't answering her calls, so she decided to go camp out at her door if necessary until Alex decided to listen to her and she hoped…she thought fearfully…to forgive her for being so insecure and cowardly._

_Olivia took a taxi to Alex's building, during the whole trip she conjured up every possible outcome. From time to time she dialed Alex's house but she continued without answering. When she finally arrived almost running into the building, the doorman already knew her so he didn't stop her, although he looked at her a bit strangely, Olivia in her rush didn't take notice._

_As soon as she was at the door of the PH, she knocked expecting it to open, but when the door opened it wasn't who she expected._

_"Good evening," George Crawford greeted. "What can I help you with?"_

_ "ADA Cabot," Olivia said in her oficial voice once she had gotten over her initial surprise. "I'm detective Benson, she asked me to let her know about a case she's working on as soon as we had a lead."_

_"Oh, Alex is in the shower, would you like to wait?" He moved to one side to let her in._

_"No." Olivia refused with more control than she thought she had. "Just tell her that Detective Benson said that the evidence shows that the suspect is guilty, He was in the apartment that night."_

_"Fine, I'll tell her." He agreed then after wishing her a good night closed the door._

_Olivia turned around and with hurried steps took the elevator that fortunately had remained there. She could feel the sting of tears burning the lids of her eyes, but she refused to let the tears escape. She knew that if she did she would lose the little control over her emotions that she had and she'd break down. When she stepped out of the elevator the doorman Charlie waved at her._

_"You're leaving so soon Detective?" He asked._

_"Yes, I only came to give Alex some information; she needs them for a trial tomorrow. Good night Charlie." She tried to smile and with a hesitant step left the building._

_Without knowing how Olivia began to walk to her own apartment, it wasn't exactly close by, at least 10 blocks, but at that moment she was too numb to feel or for it to matter. Not only had she ruined the best relationship of her life but after all she had a reason. Alex at the end had chosen the right option and that obviously was not her._

_She was half way home when her cell rang and she answered without thinking, it was a naural reflex. "Benson."_

_"Liv we have a DB in the park, posible rape." Stabler's voice brought her out of her self-torture._

_"I'm on my way, I'm close by." She responded the professional Detective Benson emerging once again. This was not the time to cry, it would be better to forget. How could she be so ingenious to think that love has a place in her life? 'Damn fool!'_

_Soon Olivia was at the crime scene, doing what she knew best. The scene was chaos; the body was in the park but too close to the street. Some adolescents had found it as they rode on their skateboards. One of them fell into the bushes as he tried a new jump and fell on top of the body. When he started screaming several people came to see what the commotion was and someone called 911._

_As Olivia spoke with some of the witnesses her cell rang again. "Benson." She answered impatiently._

_ "Liv, it's me…" Alex's soft voice assaulted her senses and for a moment she forgot that she shouldn't be happy to hear her voice nor to drown in the delicious sensations that Alex's voice produced in her when she suddently recalled what she had seen only 15 minutes earlier._

_"Counselor what can I do for you?" Olivia asked seriously just as Elliot called her._

_"Olivia I didn't…" She began to say but Olivia interrupted. "I'm sorry Counselor but I have to go, work." She hung up without another word and moving rapidly to where Elliot was._

_"It looks like this was only the dump site for the body, not the original crime scene." Elliot explained. "O'Halloran said that there is no evidence anywhere but it smells like gasoline around the body. Melinda says the __TOD__ is about two hours; rigor hasn't set in, besides that she has petiquea. She needs more time to determine the cause of death since there is no sign of strangulation."_

_"Damn we are at square one. She didn't have any ID and no one saw anything." She ran her fingers through her hair. "If they dumped gas on her they must have had the intention of lighting her up and that would have erased any __DNA__ evidence."_

_"Let's get back to the 16th, we'll start checking missing persons, maybe we'll find something but I doubt it. The required 24 hours hasn't passed to report it. Her clothes don't look dirty other than the usual."_

_Olivia agreed and after exchanging a few words with Melinda she got into Elliot's car._

_ "Do you want to talk about it?" Stabler asked as soon as Olivia got comfortable in the seat and closed her eyes._

_ "Talk?" She oponed her eyes and looked at Elliot confused._

_"Whatever has you like this?" Elliot pointed to the tormented eyes and dark circles. "You've been acting strange since before you left on that sudden mini-vacation. Boy was that a surprise! Even Cabot told me she went looking for you at your apartment the night before you left and you weren't there._

_"Alex went to my house?" She didn't recall seeing her or even hearing her._

_ "Yep, she was pretty surprised too that you took a few days off, she said you had plans to go to the __MET__."_

_"Oh damn!" She slapped her forehead. "I forgot."_

_"Evidently, she looked pretty upset." Elliot continued as if nothing. "The tickets were expensive, how it is she invited you?"_

_"Well," She thought about what she was going to answer. The truth was that Alex loved going to the __MET__ and she had a private box for the entire season; Olivia would accompany her whenever she could, more to spend time with her than because she actually liked it. It's not that she didn't but she would rather do other things with the attorney than spend two hours listening to music. "I happened to mention that I had never heard the NY Philharmonic play and she insisted that it was something that I needed to see. I don't think she'll forgive me for forgetting." She shrugged her shoulders._

_"That's an understatment." Elliot agreed._

_Both stayed quiet. Elliot concentrated on his driving back to the precinct and Olivia couldn't get the image of George at the PH of the woman who until now she thought of as her girlfriend. She couldn't stop going over what had brought her to this point in her life and the way she had destroyed her relationship with the attorney. She knew she had overreacted but she had never had a real serious relationship before. For God sake! She had never been in love before the way she was with the attorney. Damn it! She groaned in silence. What was she going to do now? She thought sadly._

_The case grew complicated, and they knew that they could only wait for the autopsy results. After reviewing all the possible identities in the missing person's database Olivia returned to her apartment sometime after __3 a.m.__ Exhaustd and knowing that she had to be back at the precinct by 7 she threw herself on the bed without even removing her clothes. She didn't have the strength for anything, the red light from her answering machine blinked on and off, indicating several messages but she never took notice._

_The next day after they received the report from Dr. Warner the four detectives hit the street looking for clues. The case was getting more complicatd and without clues they didn't know where to start. The body had no __DNA__ evidence that could implicate anyone. The young woman continued as a Jane Doe in the morgue as they continued to search blindly._

_It was almost nine in the evening and Olivia continued working at the precinct, going over the Missing Persons reports for the last few days once more, just to make sure that they hadn't missed something. Suddenly she felt the hair on the nape of her neck stand on end, she was practically alone, and Elliot had left several hours earlier for a school function. Munch and Finn had left early since they were on call and without any good leads there wasn't much they could do. She felt Alex's presence nearby even before she could hear the click, clack of her high heels, steps she would recognize amongst thousands. How many times had she waited impatiently, recognizing them ever since the attorney was assigned to her unit? And how many times since they had declared their mutual love had she waited to hear if only in a professional setting. She ran her hand through her hair trying not to listen until she felt Alex's presence at her side._

_All during the day Olivia had been out of the precinct or busy looking for leads with the other detectives. Alex had gone to the precinct to talk to Cragen about a case they had pending. She had stopped by Olivia's desk but she had ignored her presence. When she had left Cragen's office, Olivia was no where to be seen. There was no way for her to know that Olivia had hidden herself away in the crib so she wouldn't have to talk to Alex._

_"Olivia." Alex said in a shaky voice. "We need to talk."_

_Olivia took a few moments before raising her gaze, tyring to look very busy with the reports she was going over and knowing that she could not do anything else but face Alex. She raised her eyes without making eye contact with the attorney._

_"What can I do for you counselor?" She asked coldly._

_"Damn it Liv!" Alex exclaimed causing Olivia to look at her disconcertedly. Alexandra Cabot rarely lost her ice demeanor. What she saw made the detectice shrink. Alex had dark circles under her eyes and she looked exhuasted. "Stop treating me as if I was nothing, as if there was nothing between us." Alex begged in a low voice. There was no one in the precinct but she couldn't take the chance._

_"I'm sorry Alexandra but I don't know anything, I don't know if we are or aren't. I don't know." Olivia said finally lowering her gaze._

_"How in the hell are you going to know!" Alex exclaimed "If we haven't spoken in over a week. You dissappeared Olivia, you were the one who left my office furious, the one who didn't answer the phone, that doesn't answer her door, the one that left and did not let me know what the hell happened. What exactly did I do Olivia for you to treat me this way?"_

_"What did you do?" Olivia growled surprised, looking right into her eyes. "You have the gall to ask me that? Two weeks without seeing each other except inpassing, two weeks playing broken phones, or quick escapes to your office just because I was dying to see you, kiss you." She whispered in torment. "And the first day that I get off I find you with your friend chatting happily." She said in disdain. "Making plans for a date."_

_"Olivia, I told you that…" She tried to explain._

_ "No." Olivia cut her off, making Alex almost jump back at the unexpected reaction. "I'm not going to talk to you Alex…no…"_

_ "Olivia, we need to talk." The attorney insisted interrupting her, in that agressive tone that always managed to cause the detective's pulse to jump and make her blood boil._

_"I know." Liv sighed in resignation, she more than anyone else knew that they had to, she was going crazy imagining a thousand scenarios in her head of what it would be like to be without Alex and it terrorized her. "I meant I wasn't going to talk to you here, it's not the proper place. Let's go to…" She stopped unsure and looked at Alex in question._

_"Let's go to your apartment, its closer." Alex offered in slight relief._

_"Of course" Olivia agreed. Could it be that he's waiting for you at yours? Olivia asked herself bitterly._

_Olivia stood and pulled on her jacket, but not before turning off her computer and putting away the files in her drawer as Alex watched her silently._

_They were about to leave when Olivia's cell rang, as she was about to answer she noticed out of the corner of her eye how Alex closed her eyes in frustration. She didn't need to be a psychic to know what that call probably meant._

_ "Benson." She answered, listening to whoever was on the other end. Her face turned serious as she assented to whoever was speaking.  
"I'm on my way."_

_Olivia shut the cell and looked at Alex. "There's another DB with the same MO from the other night." She blew out. "This time he managed to set her on fire." Liv informed._

_Alex nodded her jaw clinched, she knew that the work was always first, the duty before anything else, but damn it, why now, when the need to clear things up with Olivia was so important. "I understand." She responded. "Olivia, we haven't talked, we need to talk. I refuse to believe that a bunch of misunderstandings could end what we have." She looked at her desperately. At that moment she wasn't the hard and cold __ADA__ that everyone knew, but a woman in love that could see the best relationship of her life falling apart because of a stupid mistake._

_"Alex, I don't have time for this right now, please." Olivia begged, her Brown eyes looking into the attorney's blue eyes asking for understangin. "I have to go."_

_Alex looked around, the precinct was almost deserted, there was no one and without giving it another thought she closed the gap between them and kissed her, her tongue invading her mouth with forcé, not giving her anytime to react. Placing a hand on the nape of her neck Alex's tongue dominated Olivia's mouth. It was only a few seconds but for Liv it seemed like hours. It had been a possesive kiss, full of passion and contained desire. Alex was making it clear that she was the owner of her heart. When she let her go she stepped back and with a rough voice said. "We are going to talk Olivia Benson, and do not doubt to who you belong to and why." And without another word walked away leaving Olivia nailed to the floor in complete surprise. When she finally reacted Cabot was no where to be seen and Olivia had to practically run to meet up with Munch and Finn, a silly smile on her face. Damn that woman she sure knows how to kiss._

_The next few days were chaotic, two more bodies were found and still there were no leads to who the rapist and killer was. The press was like piranhas demanding results and the brass was breathing down Cragen's back demanding results. Finally after almost four days of investigating and spending hours and hours searching they got a break. An eyewitness managed to give them a description of the man they were searching for. Apparently just as the witness was taking out the trash he witnessed how the suspect dropped something bulky to the ground and when he looked up he saw him face to face, but instead of confronting him he had taken running without looking back. The witness immediately went back in and called the police. The man had looked suspicious and besides like all New Yorkers had heard the newscasts about the murders that were happening in __Lower Manhattan__._

_They finally had a lead. When the perp had been caught by surprise he hadn't had time to pour gas over the body therefore not destroying vital __DNA__ evidence. After about a week and four bodies they not only had __DNA__ evidence but a name as well. The perp had been imprisoned for assault and battery two years prior. He had just been released from Rikers only a week earlier and had not waited to pick-up his old habits. This time nothing would save him from the death penalty._

_With the perp's description and name the detectives first contacted his probation officer. When he gave them the supposed address of the perp they immediately headed over there with several units. They were not sure that he would be there, they doubted it but they still had to start looking for him. He was dangerous and he wasn't about to stop._

_The building where he supposedly lived was just one of many that should have been long condemned. It was in ruins and inhabited by people that barely had enough to live, Drug addicts and other unsavory characters. Munch and Finn entered through the front followed by severl uniformed officers while Olivia and Stabler went around back. Just as they were entering Olivia saw a man that looked like the picture they had of the perp._

_"Police! Stop!" Olivia yelled when she saw him and he froze for just a moment before running with Olivia in hot pursuit. Stabler who was slightly further back called for backup as he followed Olivia. "Halt!" Olivia screamed again gaining on the perp and just as he was about to jump a fence the Detective threw herself tackling him. Both fell to the ground rolling around as the perp tried to get Olvia off of him. Olivia received and elbow directly to the face nearly knocking her out, but she managed to stubbornly hang on and punching him in the kidney just before Stabler arrived and pulled him off her. But just as Stabler was pulling him away and Olivia tried to stand the perp kneed her in the face sending her flying and landing on her back and knocking her head as she fell. _

_"Get a Bus out here, Officer down!" Elliot yelled when he saw Olivia was out cold. He kneeled at her side worried but making no attempt to move her. He had managed to see when she fell how she had hit her head hard on the ground. "Damn it!"_

_Munch and Fin ran up at that moment. "What happened?" Munch asked when he saw Olivia passed out._

_"The perp managed to get an elbow in her face and when I tried to pull him off her, he kneed her in the face and she fell back hitting her head." Elliot informed them without taking his eyes from Olivia who looked like she was regaining consciousness. "Liv?"_

_ 'Hey.' Olivia responded a bit disoriented. "What happened?"  
She asked as she tried getting up._

_"Stay still Liv, you received a good bump in the head, wait until the paramedics take a look." He instructed._

_"I'm fine." Olivia said as she managed to get on her feet with Elliot's help, who was shaking his head at his partner's stubbornness._

_"Liv" He started to say but he had barely gotten the words out when Olivia's legs began to buckle._

_ "I think…I think I'm a little dizzy." She managed to say before she passed out once more._

_Elliot picked her up and went in search of the ambulance that he heard approaching._

_ "Elliot, go with her to the hospital, I'll contact the Captain while we take care of the perp." Munch instructed. Fin was already on the cell talking to Cragen updating him on the situation._

_Elliot agreed and headed to the ambulance that was arriving at that moment, the ambulance pulled to a top with a squeal of breaks in front of the building and in matter of seconds two paramedics jumped out running towards Elliot with a gurney on tow._

_"She suffered hits to the head and was unconscious for a couple of minutes, she recovered but when she tried to stand, she felt dizzy and lost consciousness again." Elliot explained hurriedly as he laid her on the gurney._

_"Ok, let's transport her to Mercy." The paramedic advised as they got her on the ambulance. Elliot agreed and ran to his car, placing the siren on top so that he could keep up with the ambulance. It might look like it wasn't serious, but he wanted to make sure._

**Don't forget to review :) **


	14. Chapter 11 Enlightenment

**AN:**

Forgive me for the late update, RL had been hectic, my editor was sick for a few days, but here is the last installment of this arc of the story, in the next couple of chapters I'm going to write more about the present. Thanks for your patience.

Don't forget to leave your comments, it's what feeds my muse. And now that it was confirmed that MH, SM and CM are going to came back for season 11 I'm ecstasic.

Thanks to all those that have given me reviews and those who have read the story.

**Chapter 11 Enlightenment **

_Alex arrived at the precinct an hour later; she had been at court when they had made the arrest. As soon as she had received the call from Cragen she had headed to the 1-6; that serial killer had kept them all on the edge and the DA had her frustrated with his demands; just as Cragen was being hounded by the Brass for an arrest. She went directly to captain's office._

_The first thing she saw through the two-way mirror from Cragen's office were Munch and Fin interrogating the perp who just sat there staring at them with cold emotionless eyes. Olivia and Elliot didn't seem to be around which disconcerted her. Liv was the lead detective on the case. Cragen turned towards Alex when she came in._

_"Since they brought him in, he hasn't uttered a single word, not even to ask for an attorney. Fin and Munch have showed him the pictures, the evidence and still he didn't even blink." The Captain explained in revulsion._

_"We don't need him to say anything" she stated matter of factly "the __DNA__ found on the body of his last victim is good enough. But we need more evidence that will tie him to the other three bodies so we can do justice to the other victims as well. We know it's him but we need irrifutable proof._

_ "We need a warrant to search his place, as soon as Elliot returns I'll send Munch and Fin to serve it as soon as you have it." Cragen offered._

_"Where are they?" Alex asked without taking her eyes off of the man, just to look at him repulsed her; he looked dirty and had clear signs of being a real creep._

_"Mercy, Olivia is under observation." Cragen informed and didn't notice of how Alex paled._

_ "What..? Olivia…? What happened?" She tried to control the panic that overtook her at that moment. She turned slowly toward the Captain, who turned his gaze away from the interrogation room._

_ "When she made the arrest, the perp managedyto get in a couple of good hits to her face and when she fell she hit her head. She passed out from what Stabler told me and she has a mild concussion. They were going to keep her in observation for a few hours since she lost consciousness a couple of times." He informed her before turning back to the interrogation room without realizing or maybe because he did by how pale Alex had gotten at the news._

_ "Oh, but she's fine?" She tried to control the shake in her voice "…Olivia."_

_"Yes, considering the circumstances, she'll probably have a few bruises on her face and a good size bump on her head, but otherwise she is fine" the Captain responded casually. Once he assured himself that his Detective was fine it was back to work, they had a perp to interrogate._

_Alex nodded and tried to follow the interrogation but her mind was far away, with Liv. She knew what the implications were in loving a police officer; they were always in danger of being hurt or worse. But God, now she felt as if her heart would burst out of her chest, her legs shook and a cold shiver ran down her spine. It didn't matter that Cragen had said she was alright, she need to see for herself._

_The door opened abruptly and Elliot entered, Alex immediately looked for Olivia but she wasn't with him._

_"How is Benson?" She asked as soon as she saw him, trying not to sound too anxious just an __ADA__ asking for the health of one of her detectives, nothing else._

_"In observation, Olivia wanted to be released but he Doc didn't allow it, nevertheless, he managed to convince Liv to stay a couple more hours if that meant she didn't have to spend the night in the hospital" Elliot informed with a crooked smile "Liv hates hospitals" he added. "She pretty much ordered me to return to the precinct to see how the interrogation with Howe's was going."_

_Alex turned to Cragen. "I'm going for the warrant, as soon as I have it I'll send it over._ _I don't think that even Rideneour would dare deny it" she added. If you need anything else I'll be on my cell. Arrest him on any charges that we know for sure will stick and add assault of a police officer and resisting arrest" she said sharply._

_ "Sure" Cragen agreed and watched as she left the office._

_Olivia was more than ready to leave when Alex entered her cubicle. Her pale face made her try to stand but Alex ran to her side to stop her. "Are you alright?" She asked in concern and looked her over from head to toe to make sure that she didn't have any other injury._

_"Yes, it was only a bump on the head, they are making too much of a fuss" Olivia blew out impatiently "I'm fine."_

_"Liv, how can you say that?" The arrival of the doctor on shift cut off whatever she was going to say._

_"Ok Detective Benson, let's look at those pupils to see how you're progressing."_

_"I'm fine" Olivia growled "I want to leave."_

_"I'm the doctor ok? Let me decide that" He smiled tolerantly and began his examination._

_Alex watched attentively everything the doctor was doing as Olivia kept frowning at him in obvious frustration. She had needed to stay_ _longer than what she thought was necessary._

_After a few minutes more the doctor made a few notes on the chart and looked at Olivia. "Ok, your pupils are responsive but there are still some signs of trauma but nothing serious. However, I would like for you to stay the night in observation just to make sure."_

_"No!"__Olivia refused immediately "I'm fine." __She insisted stubbornly._

_"Let's do the following, if you promise to rest at least for 24 hours and you assure me that someone will be with you at least for the first 12 hours I'll let you go, if and when you promise to return for a re-evaluation tomorrow morning, otherwise I won't let you leave and I will tell your Captain that you are under observation and under doctors care for the next three days."_

_Olivia was about to protest when Alex jumped in._

_ "I'll stay with her and I'll make sure that she follows your instructions to the letter." She didn't look at Liv that glared at her at that moment; she turned her attention to the doctor. "If she shows any signs of anything I will personally bring her in myself."_

_"Very well Miss…" He paused._

_"ADA Alexandra Cabot, I'm a friend of the Detective" she introduced herself._

_The Doctor looked at her for a few moments before agreeing, he seemed to understand what the word _friend_ meant, but he didn't say anything. "Excellent, in that case the nurse will come in a few more minutes with the discharge papers. If she feels nauseous or dizziness or if she looses consciousness don't hesitate to bring her in. Also, don't let her fall sleep more than two hours at a time to make sure she's ok. Ask her routine questions to make sure."_

_"I understand. Alex responded without looking at Liv who was being entirely too quiet and glowering at her from the bed._

_"Very good, the nurse will be here shortly." The doctor left the cubicle leaving them alone._

_"You didn't have to do that" Olivia growled as soon as the Doctor had left "I don't need a babysitter, I'm fine and…" she stopped when she noticed Alex's icily stare._

_"Not a single word Detective, not even one" she warned "unless you want me to talk to Cragen and tell him that the Doctor has given you three days rest, understand?"_

_Olivia opened her mouth to protest but Alex's look made her close it. It was the patented Cabot stare that she used when she was in court and clearly said "Don't mess with me or you will regret it." So she tightened her mouth and agreed reluctantly._

_While Olivia continued to pout and tried to avoid looking at the blonde; Alex took out her cell and called Elliot._

_"Yes, I'm here with her now… the Doctor has discharged her and I offered to take care of her otherwise they would have left her for observation…Yes, I need those papers tonight… can you take them to my house?... Yes that would be easier…yes 24 hours and she has to come back tomorrow for a check up for them to release her completely…Fine I'll tell her."_

_"Who are you talking to?" Olivia asked furiously._

_"Elliot. They found evidence in Howe's room, trophies that tie him to the three other murders. Elliot is supposed to drop off the paperwork at my place when it's ready. I want to arraign him tomorrow morning._

_"Why yours?" She asked as she took in the news. "I can be at my place; I don't need a babysitter I already told you."_

_ "Olivia, I told you a week ago that we needed to talk and if that means that I have to baby sit you I will. I made that very clear on Tuesday." Her expression didn't leave any room for protests; however, Olivia didn't seem inclined to give up so easily._

_"I know we have to talk, but that doesn't mean you have to take care of me, I can take care of myself and…" she continued to stubbornly protest, the truth was that she hated to feel vulnerable, she hated feeling out of control and hated even more that because of a stupid punch in the face she couldn't be with her partner digging Howe a new one. "We can do that another day."_

_"Enough Olivia" Alex spat out "Enough, we are going to my apartment, you are going to lie down if necessary and when you are better we will talk. Please Liv." Alex sighed, softening her expression and letting her see the fear that she had felt when she had heard the news. "Please, for my own peace of mind."_

_And what could Olivia do against that, she sighed and agreed without saying anything more. Alex only had to look at her in a certain way and she would run the __Boston__ marathon if she asked._

_The nurse came in with the discharge papers and gave Olivia instructions that if she had headaches to take an ibuprofen and repeated what the Doctor had already instructed._

_"Let's go, I don't want to be here another second." She stood up carefully, she felt a bit dizzy when she did and Alex was immediately at her side._

_"Liv?" she asked doubting if it really was a good idea taking Olivia from the hospital._

_"I'm fine." She clinched her teeth. "I haven't eaten in who knows how long, my glucose must be low or something." She confessed with a mumble and not daring to lift her face. She was sure that if she did Alex's look would be of censure._

_Alex clinched her jaw swallowing the words of reproach that threatened to come out of her mouth; after all she hadn't eaten much either since this whole chain of misunderstandings began. "Let's go then."_

_Even though Olivia insisted that she could walk without help, Alex moved close to her to help out in case it was necessary. She was more than aware how stubborn the Detective was and that she wouldn't ask for help even if she was dying right there._

_They left the hospital in silence; a cab was waiting at the door as soon as they were ouside of the hospital and shortly they were on the way to Alex's PH. Olivia leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes, she could feel the attorney's worried gaze on her but at that moment she wasn't in the mood to argue. Not only was she still dizzy but Alex's closeness had her tied up in knots and apprehensive about their conversation that she knew had to be done sooner or later. She was afraid of what she would say to the attorney and at the same time she wished that whatever it was would be either for them to continue with the most wonderful thing in her life or begin picking up the pieces of her broken heart._

_Alex squeezed the bridge of her nose, the tension of what she carried on her shoulders since the argument with Olivia had gotten worse. Learning from Cragen that Liv was at the hospital left her shaken which was not helping her health since she was naturally thin. Damn it! She swore to herself, not only she had been waiting a whole week to clear things up with Olivia, but now she had to add a hostile detective with a slight concussion to the weight on her shoulders._

_After about 20 minutes they came to a stop in front of her building, she nudged Olivia lightly and she opened her eyes and nodded getting out from her side without a word. She waited silently for Alex to join her before starting to walk, the truth was she waited not so much out of courtesy, but that she wasn't sure she could walk by herself, but those few moments that she waited for Alex helped her to control the nausea and dizziness she was feeling._

_"Come on, as soon as we are upstairs you can lie down on the sofa and I'll order something to eat." Alex informed her walking beside Olivia._

_Minutes later Alex was opening the door and Olivia headed straight for the sofa where she left herself fall slowly. She felt as if her head would explode, she was sure it wasn't so much the bump on her head as much as a lack of food that was giving her the headache. She couldn't recall when she had last eaten. She had taken a couple of coffees in the morning along with a bagel, but she hadn't had a real meal in over a day._

_Once Alex shut the door she went directly to the kitchen where she had a list of take out menus within a five mile radius next to the phone. _

_"Liv, what do you want to eat?" She called out from the kitchen._

_Olivia opened her eyes and thought about it for a second._

_"Whatever you want Alex, but something not too greasy." Liv said, she didn't think that greasy food would sit well with her right now since her stomach was still upset._

_"Ok" Alex responded and called for Chinese food. Once she had placed the order she returned to the living room with a glass of water and a couple of ibuprofens. "Here" she extended her hands out to Olivia. "I'm sure you could use these."_

_Olivia pursed her mouth but accepted; once she had taken the pills she closed her eyes again. Alex took the glass and set it on the coffee table. She looked at Olivia for a moment in doubt before letting her know she was going to change her clothes for something more comfortable. Normally if things weren't so tense between them she would have told Liv to change as well, after all the detective had some of her clothes there._

_Alex removed her suit and put on yoga pants and an old Harvard shirt, she was about to take out some pants and a t-shirt for Olivia so she could change when she remembered that Elliot was going to stop by in a couple of hours. Unless she wanted to come up with a reason why Olivia had clothes in her apartment, it would probably be better to leave things as they were for now. Once Elliot had left she would invite Olivia to change and lay down. Where? If after eating the detective was in shape to talk at length, then they would see._

_The food took about 45 minutes to arrive, during that time Alex kept busy reading some documents on the Howe's case as she waited for the others that Elliot was bringing by. Once the food arrived, she paid the deliveryman and returned to the living room with the food, setting it on the coffee table._

_"Liv, the food is here." She said softly so as not to startle the detective who continued with her eyes closed. "I'm going to go get some napkins and plates."_

_Olivia opened her eyes and nodded. When Alex returned she divided up the food and passed a plate to Olivia, who with a soft 'thank you' began to eat once she had assured herself that she wasn't going to have to run to the bathroom. During the time it had taken for the food to arrive the dizziness had subsided a bit as well as the pain._

_As Alex ate she watched Olivia out of the corner of her eye, studying her, she felt impatient and Alex Cabot was not a woman that waited patiently and she was searching for a sign of weakness that would indicate that the conversation would have to be postponed. But Olivia appeared to be feeling better; the food was probably giving her energy that her body direly needed to recoup from her ordeal._

_Finally after half an hour, Olivia set her plate down and Alex did the same. "I'm going to take this to the kitchen." Alex commented getting to her feet at the same time she picked up the bags and empty containers. It didn't take her long to do it; she was back in less than 10 minutes. She sat in front of Olivia who raised her gaze to look at the attorney._

_"Do you think we can talk now?" Alex asked tentatively._

_"If you wish" Liv murmured a bit apprehensively, lowering her gaze._

_"Olivia it's not if I wish to, it's that you and I have to talk." Alex said in exasperation. "For God sake, it's been over a week since we've talked, and I don't know what the hell is happening between us. You refuse to answer my calls, not even when it's about work will you talk to me unless it's absolutely necessary. What the hell did I do for you to treat me likes this?" Alex painfully exclaimed._

_"What did you do? You have the nerve to ask me that?" Olivia practically yelled. "Don't insult me Alexandra, I know that I shouldn't have disappeared without calling you or letting you know that I was leaving, but damn it, I tried getting in touch with you on Thursday but you're cell kept going straight to voice mail and I thought you were avoiding me. I went to your house that same night and you were leaving with "George" holding his hand and clinging to him, so I just left. It was obvious that you didn't have time to call me. I wanted to say I was sorry and at the same time tell you what I was feeling, but for what? You were way too busy making goo-goo eyes at your "friend" for you to even be aware that I was there seeing you and feeling totally stupid with myself."_

****_"Did it ever occur to you to think that if I didn't answer you I had a good reason?" Alex retorted. "You know I would be at court all day, but that wasn't the reason I didn't answer. Some idiot crashed into me when I was talking on the cell with Cragen about the Rasmus case and the cell went flying." Alex explained "and someone that was walking by couldn't avoid stepping on it. It was destroyed, I had to replace it. I didn't get another cell until the next day which they delivered to my apartment. Even so the cell is not the only phone I have Olivia, I do have an office phone and the apartment phone. You did not leave a single message._

****_"I didn't have my cell with me." Olivia protested. "Wednesday when I went looking for you I found you with your "friend." She said friend as it was something that smelled bad. "I was going to tell you that I had the afternoon free and that Cragen had given me an extra free day. Did you know I had been working almost three days without rest, barely sleeping or eating? I went directly from the precinct to your office to let you know, but damn it you were there with "him." She hunched her shoulders. . "I'm sorry but it filled me with jealousy and rage. Combine that with my lack of sleep and food and the frustration of it being so long without seeing you, that just knowing that you were going out once again and with that…"friend" well just pushed me over the edge. That's why I left your office; I knew that if I stayed I would say something I would regret. I needed to rest before attempting to think straight."_

_ "And that's why you disappeared for three days" Alex asked in surprise. A part of her understood what Olivia was trying to say, but another part didn't understand why the detective had disappeared for so long without a single call or note. "Olivia, Thursday night I went looking for you at your apartment, I called your place several times, I kept getting a busy tone on your cell. I knocked and not only didn't you answer but you didn't answer any of my calls or messages."_

_Olivia starred at her contritely. "I didn't get any calls because my phone was off the hook and I didn't know it. And Wednesday night I just took my clothes off when I got home and hit the bed and fell to sleep as soon as I hit the pillow. My cell was dead and I forgot to set it to charge. The next day I woke up at __midday__ and I was starving, so I went out to eat because I didn't have anything in the apartment and I tried to call you from a public phone but it went to voicemail. After that I returned home and did a few chores. I picked up, wash clothes and that's when I noticed that the phone was off the hook, I put it back and after my shower and with the cell fully charged I went to your place. I saw you with him and…" She stopped, and as she listened to her explanations she could see where all the misunderstandings between them had come about and she felt like an idiot._

_"And what Olivia?" Alex insisted now angry with Olivia for being so insecure and jumping to conclusions._

_ "I went to a bar." Olivia finally said. "I had a few drinks still furious I returned home where I drank more beer while in my head the image of you hanging on to that idiot kept repeating itself over and over. I went to bed past 11 and I suppose that I didn't hear the phone or the door._

_"You were drunk." Alex pointed out._

_"Yes." Liv acknowledged without lifting her gaze and starring fixedly at her hands as if they could give her answers to her problem._

_"But that doesn't explain why you didn't answer my messages. I left you several on the answering machine." Alex exclaimed. "I understand that you didn't receive them before, but why didn't you answer later?_

_"I didn't see them; after I woke up I packed asuitcase and took the train to __Albany__. I called Cragen asking him for a couple of days and to tell Elliot that I wouldn't be there. "I was angry." She confessed "angry and confused, seeing you with him felt horrible. I hate seeing you with anyone else even if you swear that you're only for social purposes, it's the same thing. I hate that you have to do it, I hate that we have to hide our relationship as if it was something dirty. It doesn't matter that the reason is valid, I still hate it, but what I hate the most is to see you with others… men." Confessed Liv as tears ran down her cheeks that she didn't even realize were pouring down her face in anger she stood and wiped the tears turning her back to Alex. _

_The attorney starred at Olivia's back with tormented eyes, now realizing just how much that was hurting the detective, to have to suffer through her social dates. She though that the topic had already been cleared up and she thought that Liv had understood her need to attend these events, not only for the obligation she owed to the Cabot Foundation, but also, for her own political ambitions. But after Olivia's reaction it was apparent that they had not really talked about the repercussion of those outings but that Olivia had not been totally honest when she said she understood._

_"Why didn't you tell me?" Alex desconcertadly asked. "I thought we had already discussed it?"_

_"A part of me understands Alex, really it does." Olivia said in a defeated voice. "I understood the need for you to attend those functions for your political ambitions. But I had never seen you before on the arm of another. The other times I was aware of it, but had never seen you. It hurt me very much Alex, it hurts just to think about it. That's why I left. I needed to think, analyze things. I didn't know you had been looking for me, I didn't know you had tried to call me. Nevertheless on the Monday I returned I wanted to talk to you but you cut me off abruptly, and when I went looking for you, your friend was there. He opened the door and told me that you were showering." She mouthed as she ground her teeth, just recalling what she felt almost made her double over in pain. "I thought that you had thought things over and had decided to go with the better option."_

_Alex got to her feet and moved closer to Olivia causing her to turn to look at her. She was only going to say it once and only once and she wanted to do it looking straight into the detective's eyes. when I got back to the house that Monday, I was going to change then go looking for you; I didn't want to talk to you at the precinct because it wasn't the time or the place; besides I had several appointments at court and I couldn't stop to think, I had to have all my concentration on work. I had a horrible weekend thinking of you and what had happened between us, without knowing what do to, not knowing if I had lost you, I didn't know Olivia!" _

_ The detective hunched her shoulders when she saw the distress in Alex's eyes. _

_ "He was waiting for me when I got home, I invited him in and told him to give me a few minutes since I had another engagement that I could not postpone so I couldn't stay and talked with him or whatever he wanted. He insisted on waiting for me. It was when you arrived and he told you the truth, I was showering, but it wasn't to go out with him. When I came out he told me that you had been there, I knew immediately what you would think and I told him that he had to go because I had things to do. He reluctantly left and I ran to call you on the phone. You hung up on me Olivia." She accused._

_"Alex, I was working on a case!" She tried to justify herself. "It was Howe's first killing."_

_"Now I know it was that case Olivia, but at that moment I was desperate to speak with you, to explain everything to you and you just hung up on me! You did not even give me an opportunity to say anything; then there was no time to talk, the case turned out to be a serial killer and now this" She indicated her face that now showed the signs of the hits she'd gotten when they had arrested Howe._

_"I know Alex, I know…" Alex moved near and placed her fingers over her lips. _

_"Liv I love you, that hasn't changed but we can't risk failing to communicate; I need to you to confide in me and tell me what you feel, what you really feel. I didn't know that my social dates were affecting you the way they were. I didn't know you were feeling so bad about it. Just as I didn't know that you weren't answering because you thought you saw something that wasn't and you weren't in any condition to hear the phone" When Olivia tried to protest she hurried to add. "I know what you saw Liv, but it wasn't like that. Liv, I love you and you have to trust in me and the love that I have for you."_

_"Forgive me Alex" Liv pleaded. "I know I was being an idiot and let my insecurities get the best of me; I know we can't be open with our relationship for professional reasons, but I also know that I don't like that you have to go out with others so you can meet your social obligations. I can't help but go crazy from jealousy when I think that you are with someone else, no matter how platonic it is. I'm sorry._

_"No Liv, forgive me." Alex begged, hugging her. "For not seeing it as you did, for me it was just a social function, just another of many and now I see how I have hurt you. I know that if our positions were reversed I would be crazy with jealousy too. I need you to forgive me, I'll find a way. I don't want to hurt you Liv, I love you too much. You are my life and these few days without you were hell." She confessed all the pain that all those days had caused._

_"I love you." She hugged her tighter. "I know there will be times that you'll have to attend these events and I know that we need to think how to fix this, but you are right, we need to communicate better, It's the only way that this will work and I don't want to lose you Alex. You are also my whole life. I was afraid at the thought that I might have ruined everything, the best thing that has ever happened to me."_

_But instead of Alex saying anything else, she pulled away and searched for her mouth, kissing her lips but not with the urgency that usually overtook her at a single touch, but with all the love she felt for her, it was a kiss full of promises and forgiveness._

_When they finally separated both breathed contentedly and without letting each other go they remained that way for a while, just enjoying their closeness. Feeling safe in each others arms, there was no where else that either of them wanted to be at that moment but in each others arms reaffirming their love._

_"Elliot will be here soon." Alex murmured against her neck._

_ "I know" Liv sighed. "Would you mind if I go to bed? I want to take a shower and I'm sure you'll be busy for a while getting ready for the arraigment."_

_ "Ok, but Elliot will probable ask me where you are when he gets here."_

_"I know" She pulled away only enough so that she could look into her eyes. "I think we should at least tell Elliot. He's my partner and I trust him. Besides I need his support, he'll be able to cover our backs."_

_Alex looked at her for a moment before agreeing. "You are right; I think it would be for the best, but not yet, in a few days perhaps. Is that ok with you? You're tired and with that concussion I don't think now is the best time. But yes, we should tell him, Ok? I know you'll know best when to tell him."_

_"Ok." She kissed her softly. "If he asks where I'm at and if I'm still in the shower just tell him that. If not just say I'm sleeping in the guest room. I don't think he'll insist on seeing me, besides you'll remind him that you have to wake me in a while and it's better to let me sleep._

_"Alright" she said giving her a quick kiss. "Go take your shower while I continue going over this."_

_Alex watched as Olivia made her way to the bedroom. Her step was steady and there didn't seem to be any signs of dizziness. With a happy smile she licked her lips where she could still taste Liv. She sighed and went over to the table in order to get ready for the interview. Just as she was getting lost in the sea of paperwork she remembered something. She stood and headed to the kitchen. She riffled through a drawer and took something out that she pressed into her hand._

_She went to the bedroom and she could hear clearly the shower through the slightly open bathroom door. One of Olivia's habits was to never shower with the door completely shut, always listening for any strange sounds. She noticed that the detective had placed her shield and gun on the bedside table on the side that she had picked for herself. The first night she spent at the attorney's PH, Liv noticed where the phone and clock was indicating that Alex slept on the right side. Threfore, Olive put her things on the left. Alex turned to look at the bathroom door and listened as Liv began to finish her shower. She left the keys on the detective's shield and left the room, just in time to hear the doorbell ring. She went to let Elliot in._

_Olivia came out of the bathroom wearing Alex's robe and went directly towards the dresser where Alex kept her clothes. She removed a pair of boxer's and a t-shirt. She left the robe on a chair and got dressed. She took the robe back to the bathroom and after brushing her teeth she turned off the light and went to bed. Just as she was about to check her cell in case Elliot should call she noticed something on top of her shield. It was a set of new keys, she knew what they were for, and she had seen their owner use them several times. They were the keys to the PH, the keys to Alex's home. Olivia took both keys reverently looking at them with an idiotic smile on her face. Her first thought was to go running out and hugging the attorney but just then she heard Elloit's voice and paused._

_"Later" she said to herself, she found her own keys and threaded the keys into the key ring. With a deep sigh of contentment she pulled back the comforter and slipped under the sheets "tomorrow, when we go to my place, tomorrow" and with the thought in her head Olivia Benson fell happily asleep._

**Don't forget to review!!!** **:)**


	15. Chapter 12 Who is she?

**AN: The lack of comments in the last 3 chapters was somewhat depressing, I really was wondering if it would be worth the effort to continue. It took me sometime to recover the desire to write this specific story, believe it or not in my mind I have everything detailed but to sit and give it shape is another thing entirely different. I have three chapters written, I will post them a week at a time. that way I give myself time to continue writing and in that way not be late on updates. But at the same time not lose perspective of what I am doing. Better a steady pace than a fast one that wears you out. My muse writes what she is in the mood to write so we'll see. **

**Thank you all for your support, was somewhat bittersweet, and I'm sorry for the time it took me to recover from the funk I was in.**

**BTW, this one is unbetaed as soon as my editor (who is still sick, sigh) and beta (busy with RL) finishes reviewing it I will post the revised version.**

**Revised Version **

**Please, pretty please.. Don't forget to review.**

**********

**Chapter 12 Who is she?**

Casey Novak paid the taxi driver hurriedly as he dropped her off in front of the hospital. She practically ran into the main building heading straight for the elevators. She had spoken to Cragen as soon as her plane had landed from DC, to check any pending cases that required her immediate attention. However, what she heard instead was something that chilled her to the bone. Olivia Benson was in ICU with three grave bullet wounds.

The elevator seemed to take forever and when the doors finally opened, she headed immediately to the nurse's station to ask about the Detective's condition. It had only been a year and a half ago that she had met the Detective and even though at first their relationship had been tense, soon they had become friends going out to dinner on or some social function occasionally. You certainly couldn't say they were close friends exactly, but they liked each other enough to be considered more than just co-workers. After all the SVU, team was like a small family. She spent so much time with them that it was inevitable that some friendships would form. She and Olivia were the only women in the group and it was natural that they stick together.

"Good morning, I'm looking for Detective Benson." She asked the first nurse she saw. "They told me she was here."

"Good morning, are you family?" The nurse asked in return, the hospital staff was aware of the security issues that involved the patient, even though they weren't completely aware of the real reason behind all the secrecy that surrounded the Detective.

"I'm the Assistant District Attorney, Detective Benson's co-worker." Casey showed her badge." I've been out of town."

"Her condition is still serious but stable, her partner can update you." She indicated over Casey's shoulder to the man seated at the end of the hallway.

Casey turned and immediately recognized Elliot. "Thank you." She said and hurried toward him.

"Elliot!" She exclaimed as she got near. "How are you? Cragen just informed me as soon as I arrived." She looked worried. Elliot looked exhausted and his serious demeanor frightened her.

"Casey." Elliot stood. "Just waiting, the Doctor's have done all they can, now it's just a question of waiting".

"What happened?" She immediately wanted to know, her lawyer's mind demanding answers, after all, if the perp was still alive she would see to it that the bastard rotted in prison.

Elliot paled slightly at the question; he was tired of having to repeat the same thing over and over again. As it was it was hard enough to forget and then having to repeat it every five minutes… "We went looking for more leads in regards to Michelle Perez's whereabouts. As you know she had been kidnapped by the perp…" Elliot was concise without leaving anything out but not giving too much detail.

"Oh God!" Casey brought her hand up to her forehead in disbelief. "Is he alive?" She asked in a harsh tone.

"No, Olivia managed to shoot him, but I killed him."

"I understand." She looked upwards, she shouldn't be happy that Elliot had killed the bastard, but she couldn't help it. After all alive the man was a perp of the worst kind; if he had remained alive, he would certainly have gotten the death penalty without a doubt. "Can I go in and see her?"

"Well…" Elliot seemed to be unsure, true Alex wasn't there with her at the moment, the security surrounding the ex ADA was basically to keep her presence and the charade of her death a secret." "Yeah, I guess it would be ok, but just for a few minutes." He conceded before looking down the hall in case Alex should appear. He would have to talk to Novak in case she happened to run into Alex. No one in the Department knew the truth about Alex, not even the District Attorney's office, Branch nor Liz Donnelly. Only the captain, Munch, Fin and of course, him were aware of the situation.

Elliot walked Casey over to the nurse and indicated that the ADA was authorized to visit Olivia for a few minutes. Once she had the sterile scrubs and mask on, Casey slipped into Olivia's room. When she saw the condition she was in the tears began to fall. She moved closer to the hospital bed and took her hand, squeezing it gently.

"Olivia, please be strong, don't let it beat you, you're a fighter and I know you can overcome this. Come on Detective, what would SVU be without you? You are SUV's Angel, don't forget it."

She squeezed her hand once more, wiping her tears away as she left.

"She looks really bad Elliot." She said as soon as she was in front of Elliot. Without thinking twice, she hugged a stunned Stabler who was not used to these displays of affection from the attorney.

"I know, I know." At that moment, he raised his eyes and saw Alex walking by looking at him questioningly. It was obvious that she had seen Casey come out of Olivia's room and was asking herself who the woman was and why she had gone in to see her lover. Her face showed a bit of annoyance, but at a glance from Elliot, she went into the room, but not without first gesturing that she expected an explanation.

"I need to go to the office; I have a lot of work pending." Casey stepped away. "Please don't hesitate to call me if anything happens. I'll be available, I'll stop by later."

"Of course, I'll be here the rest of the morning, after all the rest of the world is still spinning." Elliot responded with sarcasm. He hated having to leave his partner, even though just knowing that the one that really mattered remained at her side, was of some comfort. Almost.

Casey agreed and left, but not before repeating to Elliot, that she should be notified if there were any changes no matter what the hour. As soon as the attorney disappeared into the elevator, Alex emerged from Olivia's room and stood close to Stabler staring at him sternly.

"Who is she?" She questioned with barely contained fury "Why did she go in to see Liv?" Her eyes flashed dangerously, it was obvious that the green monster was making its presence known.

"Your replacement" Stabler responded and by the way that Alex's eyes narrowed it was apparent he had made a mistake choosing those words.

"My what?!" Alex exclaimed heatedly almost yelling.

"No, no, that's not what I meant" He rushed to explain, "She's the new SVU ADA, Casey Novak."

"I see," she said between gritted teeth. "Why did she go in to see her? Only you and I are authorized to see her."

"Casey and Olivia are good friends Alex." Elliot explained in a conciliatory tone "it's' completely understandable that she's worried about her, don't ya think?"

"I see." She repeated and by her tone, it was clear that she wasn't convinced of what kind of friends exactly they were. It was apparent to Elliot that Alex was jealous of Novak.

"For God's sake Alex, Olivia only has eyes for you. She loves you. She always has, she always will, it was your name she said before she lost consciousness." Elliot said exasperated.

Elliot's outburst seemed to have a calming effect on Alex rather than upsetting her more.

"I'm sorry. It's just that it took me by surprise. I've been here more than 24 hours and I hadn't seen her, she wasn't even here when I arrived." She said as she rubbed her forehead.

"She was out of the city, she just arrived, and I'm assuming she came directly to the hospital as soon as she found out." He explained.

"She…she doesn't know I'm alive, right?" Alex asked pensively.

"No, only our friends know. I don't think it would be convenient for her to know. After all she's the ADA and you are supposed to be dead." He affirmed.

"If she comes back, just make sure I'm not here, otherwise there might be problems. The less people know that I'm here the better." She indicated and without another word returned to Olivia's side.

_Great_ Elliot thought to himself, _just fucking great, not only do I have to watch out for strangers that show Liv too much interest, but also now, I have to keep an eye out for Casey so she doesn't run into Alex, who anyone could see she was jealous of. Damn!_ He rubbed the back of his neck

Alex stationed herself next to Liv as soon as she was at her side, took her hand, and leaned over to kiss her forehead.

"Hi beautiful, how are you? I hope to see those beautiful brown eyes of your soon Liv, I miss you so much." She whispered against her ear, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Please come back to me Liv, please."

Alex remained by her side for a good while, squeezing her hand and recounting some of the things she'd done while in Wisconsin, more to fill the depressing silence that filled the small room where Olivia was. It was so depressing just listen all the incessant beeps of the machines that constantly monitored Olivia's condition. Alex could not help but check it one (check it once? Or check on one?), trying to discern the information each gave out.

"Good afternoon Mrs. Benson, how are you today?" The doctor assigned to Liv's case asked.

"Good Afternoon Dr. Randall." Alex smiled to herself delighted that he had called her Mrs. Benson, just one of the safeguards placed to cover her identity "As well as can be expected. How is she?" She looked at him anxiously while he reviewed the chart at the foot of Olivia's bed.

"Well, according to last night's notes she spent the night without troubles, fortunately she made it past the critical 24 hours. She is still in serious condition but at least we have more hope of a good recovery. The next 48 hours will be critical; we hope that she does not develop any infections or pneumonia due to weakened state. If she manages to make it past that, we can take her out of the induced coma. However, for now we will leave her as she is. It is the best thing in order for her body to recuperate properly. If she had been awake, the pain would have been too much, that would have stressed her physically, and emotionally which she doesn't need if she is to recover fully.

Alex agreed and moved aside to let the Doctor examine Olivia. She never took her eyes off the intern continually observing his body language. If something was wrong, she wanted to know immediately.

"A bit later we'll take her down for a CT scan to check her brain activity. As you know," He explained. "The lack of oxygen she suffered twice has us a bit worried. However, her status thus far has been favorable and we should be able move her to a recovery room within the next 24 hours if things progress as well as they are now.

Alex bit her lip, hugging herself, just the very idea of Liv having secondary complications terrorized her. The Doctor smiled at her comfortingly before leaving the room once he made some notations on Olivia's chart. As soon as she was alone she moved rapidly to her side once again.

"Oh Liv, what I wouldn't give for you to be able to tell me that you're fine." She studied her face searching for any sign; she squeezed her hand gently looking for comfort from her presence. Hypnotized by the rise and fall of Olivia's chest as proof that the Detective was alive; she knew of course given Olivia's induced coma that she could not answer her but the waiting was so overwhelming. Each hour that she passed there made her feel more and more desperate. To see Liv lying on that bed, connected to machines and IV's made her hurt in an indescribable manner. She could not manage to convince herself that everything would be fine. She felt unreal, for several moments, she wanted to close her eyes and when she opened them again to be alone and isolated once again in Wisconsin if that meant that Liv would be well again and that nothing had happened to her.

At moments like these, Alex was not the cold and calculating attorney that could tear apart her opponent with mere words. At those moments, she was only a woman in love that could see the woman she loved lying in a hospital bed unconscious and unable to see that she was by her side. It was at moments like these that Alex Cabot lost her faith, one that almost two years ago had been ripped from her grasp that until now she had not managed to recover. Life, her life had been an injustice, something ironic in the life of a woman that had dedicated her life in search of it and seeing that is was carried out. A justice that had no meaning when you are the victim.

Alex could not stay too long with Olivia, hospitals rules would not allow it, so after a few minutes she left the room. As soon as Elliot saw her, he approached.

"How is she?" He asked, not because he didn't know, he had gone in to see her as soon as he arrived but he could always count on Alex to notice something that he hadn't seen.

"She has a bit more color, before she looked so pale." Alex said in a rough voice. Talking about Liv always caused a knot in her throat, it was too painful to talk about the Detective like that, too hard to reconcile the energetic and full of life woman that was Liv with the woman now in that bed. "The Doctor has told me that if she continues improving they can move her from ICU to recovery by tomorrow. I'm going to arrange to get a double room, that way I can stay with her. I'll ask my mother to make the arrangements."

Elliot agreed and looked towards the elevator as if making sure nothing strange was happening. "Let's go to the waiting room I want to talk to you."

Alex looked at him strangely but agreed and headed for the waiting room assigned to her, those assigned to family members who were in critical condition and refused to leave their side. Once they were alone, Alex sat and waited for Elliot to speak.

"Alex, it's not good for you to be holed up here at the hospital all day, I know that it's dangerous for you to go out even here around the hospital, but you can go to a safe house or a hotel nearby." He tried to reason with Cabot.

"NO." Alex refused outright. "I am not moving from here unless it's with Olivia at my side."

"Alex, I'm not telling you to leave, I'm only suggesting that you get a change of scenery." Elliot insisted.

"Elliot I know that your intentions are good." She looked at him with determination and paused in order to give her words more emphasis. "As long as Olivia's life is in danger I am not moving from her side for a single moment. The only reason that I am not there now is that they will not allow it, otherwise Elliot be assured that I would be. Besides that, I can't walk about freely through the city even with bodyguards it would be dangerous."

"I know Alex." He said in frustration. "It's just that being holed up here all day isn't good for you."

"This is where Olivia is El" was her response. "It's the only important thing now."

Elliot nodded stuffing his hands in his pants pockets. "I know."

"You know." She said changing the subject. "My mother forgot to bring me a few things, I mean it's not so much that she forgot, after all she brought me what I asked for given that I'm here locked away. Would you mind calling her and asking her to bring them to me tomorrow?"

"Of course not, tell me."

"Some books to read and if possible a laptop, it's unlikely that she still has mine which would be the best."

Elliot nodded and wrote it down in his notepad "anything else?"

"I'm not sure, I'm sure she'll bring me something to eat. But now that you mention it, could it be possible for you to bring me a cappuccino from Luigi's next time you come?"

"Of course, I spoke with Cragen awhile ago." He commented. "Given that Olivia has no close relatives or a spouse," they smiled to each other "he authorized one of us to be at her side in case of any eventualities while she is in ICU. However, once she is moved to a room he won't be able to justify our presence any longer. But if you are here it won't be a problem, the problem will be in the danger it will pose to your life."

'Elliot" She looked up, smiling ironically. "I doubt that Velez's informants are keeping up with the SVU detectives, however, I do think that while the hospital security is kept abreast of the situation and there are strangers inquiring about Olivia's health that should be enough to notify you and therefore be of no problem. You yourself have said, Liv has no family, only friends and those are your people.

"What you say makes sense, but you can never be too careful, Liv would skin me alive if something happened if I were here watching over her." He laughed nervously.

"Don't worry Elliot, everything will be fine. Why don't you go buy a coffee or something? I'm going to rest for a bit, they are going to take Liv down for a CT scan and I want to be there when they take her there."

"Ok, I'll see you in a bit." He answered and left the room.

Alex watched him leave with a tired expression. She looked up at the ceiling and let herself fall back onto the tiny bed that was in the room. She wasn't exactly sleepy, but she felt mentally exhausted, the anxiety over Liv was taking its toll on her already raw emotions. This shouldn't be happening; she shouldn't be coming back to this. Not like this.

**Thanks for reading me, take a minute to write a review, Thanks in advance.**

**V :)**


	16. Chapter 13 Hearsay

**AN:** I'm really sorry for the delay posting this new chapter. RL has been hectic lately and my beta just sent it back, my editor is still out of comission and well, I hope you like this one. As I said in the AN of Chapter 11, the next two chapters were going to be taking place in the present. I hope you like it.

Thanks to all those that have given me reviews and those who have read the story. They really made my day every time I read a new one. Really appreciated.

V

**Spoilers from Ghost.**

**Chapter 13 Hearsay **

Elliot left the hospital and got into his car, he would go to the precinct to check on some things. He had an idea and wanted to put it into action immediately. He had a gut feeling that things for Alex were going to get worse before they got better.

As soon as he got to the precinct, Munch and Fin raised their heads when they saw him and immediately tensed.

"Has something happened?" Munch asked first thing.

"No." Elliot quickly replied. "Is Cragen in his office?" he looked around guardedly.

"Yeah" Fin responded looking at him questioningly.

"Hmm, Fin, have you spoken with your friends from narcotics? Are there any rumors on Velez?"

"No man, ain't talked to them, but I'll get on it. Wat'cha thinkin'?"

"Hammond commented that the net around Velez is closing in, so I'm curious how true it is. Its priority to know what is happening with him, we need to know how secure our package is."

"Hmm," he shook his head, I'll go see some fella I know, he'll know betta' than any what's goin' on in the underground. He'll gimme somethin'

"Do it, by the way. Casey stopped in to see Liv, she almost bumped into her."

"Oh, conspiracy." Munch jumped in. "Do you want us to keep her away from the hospital?"

"Not exactly but it would be wise to keep tabs on her, and in case she goes to visit Liv to make sure she doesn't see her, I think we need to provide her with a disposable cell phone, I'll buy it on my way back to the hospital" He crossed his arms. "You already know that what they have is a secret."

Fin and Munch exchanged glances and nodded. It was true, the "world" in general didn't know but they were detectives, and they have been together long enough to know and had noticed something. It was impossible not to see how happy Liv was before Cabot's "death", and how miserable she had been when they believed that she was dead. It was very hard to see the light in Liv's eyes disappear. The worst part was that since no one knew, no one could do anything about it. Liv shut herself away and not only that but also she and Elliot had a disagreement that had resulted in her leaving the unit for several months. Fortunately, that had managed to overcome their differences, but for a time they didn't know what had happened to Liv or her whereabouts.

Elliot stayed for a few more minutes at the precinct to check some pending cases before returning to the hospital, he bought the disposable cell and stopped by Luigi's for Cabot's coffee.

That same night on his way home, he received a call from Fin.

"What did you find out?" he asked as soon as he answered.

"It seems Hammond was right, Velez is losin' turf and power'. When he had to kill Zapata, who had been his number one man in NY and puttin' a price on Cabot's head he had been obliged to disappear. The Italian Mafia used this to recoup territory. It's goin' 'round that even his Lieutenants are turnin' their backs on him."

"Fuck, it's more complicated than I thought." Elliot exclaimed.

"What'cha mean?" Fin was disconcerted by Stabler's reaction.

"If Velez is as desperate as he seems to be, he might do something crazy and if he finds out she's alive he might try something. He's gonna fall and he's going to make sure he's not the only one going down."

"Oh shit. I think I'll ask my friend to keep his eyes and ears open. We need to be up on what's goin' down."

"I'm going to have to talk to Hammond; I hope the idiot doesn't hang me out to dry. He's not very happy with me as it is. In fact, I'm probably the most undesirable person he knows right about now.

"Don't worry about it man, we know how to care for our own. Hammond shoulda figured that out the way he lost a partner.

"Yes, well speak to your friend again, Liv is still in critical condition, and there won't be a power on this earth that will make her leave her side if she should need to hide again. She's not going anywhere without Liv at her side.

—Ok, man, see ya!

"See you later."

Elliot hung up and concentrated on driving, gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white, he wasn't sure why but he felt that something was going to happen soon. His instincts never failed him, he knew something would happen, a second before hearing the shots in the room next door when Liv fell. He had simply just been too late, but this time he was not going to fail Olivia. Alexandra was the only thing allowing her to hang on. Losing her would be like losing Liv. She wouldn't be able to stand losing her, not again, not for real.

When he arrived at his house after eleven, he was surprised to see the kitchen light on. Normally Kathy was asleep at this hour, especially since she had to work the next day. He went in and headed for the kitchen, his wife was apparently preparing him a sandwich.

"Hey." He said softly moving closer and kissing her forehead.

Kathy raised her glance and smiled. "Hey handsome, how's Olivia doing?"

"She is stable for the moment. They did a CT scan on her today to check for brain damage due to lack of oxygen. The Doctor is only waiting for the next 24 hours to move her from ICU and to a recovery room and if there is no infection within the next 48 hours, they can take her out of the induced coma.

"It's just a precaution, from what you've told me her organs didn't suffer any damage aside from the collapsed lung, however, she did lose a lot of blood and with the surgery to repair the bullet damage she'll be in a lot of pain. It's better that she remain sedated for the time being."

"I know, but Alex doesn't feel the same." He shrugged his shoulders, taking out a beer from the fridge.

"And how is she doing?" Elliot had told her the truth about Alex and Olivia when his partner had confided in him, just as he had told her about the attorney not being really dead like everyone believed. He had done it because Olivia was devastated and needed friends more than ever, even though Olivia hadn't allowed much comforting. She shut herself off with her pain in such a way that her relationship with Elliot had almost disintegrated.

"Devastated, she is really having a rough time, that fact that her own life is still in danger is just another weight on her shoulders. She can't leave the hospital, not that she wants to, but still it's a lot of pressure."

Kathy nodded and passed him the sandwich; Elliot smiled and sat down to eat. "By the way, what are you doing up? Not that it bothers me, on the contrary."

Kathy leaned against him and gave him a hug, "I know how difficult this is for you honey, not only do you nearly lose Olivia, but now you're also worried about the woman she loves. I know what it is to love someone in the service. It's not easy being a Cop's wife."

Elliot looked at her gratefully and continued eating in silence. He wasn't a bad husband or father, he knew that, but he wasn't there enough either. His work was too demanding and on many occasions too horrible to share with his wife. The only thing he was thankful for each night when he managed to make it home was that they were safe and sound. After seeing the things he saw daily and the horrors that he had to witness he couldn't do anything but be grateful to God that they would never see those things. However, even though he didn't share with Kathy didn't mean that she wasn't aware in one way or another; she slept with him, she consoled him in silence when the horrors of what he had witnessed followed him into his nightmares. No, it wasn't easy being his wife and it never would be.

When they finally went to bed Elliot hugged Kathy against him the rest of the night, feeling bad because he was able to lie in her arms, when his best friend was lying in a hospital bed alone even though Alex was nearby, it wasn't the same thing. Alex needed Olivia's warmth, as much as his friend needed hers. He knew better than anyone else what the silent presence of a loved one by your side could mend a wounded soul. He didn't know how to share his demons, he didn't want to darken what little family life he had with horror stories, and he hoped that Kathy understood that. It wasn't kind words that he needed to hear, that it wasn't discussions or philosophies about humanities evils or the absence of God in this life that he needed. The only thing he needed was her warmth and presence. Tomorrows were too uncertain, his work was too dangerous, and more often than not, he had to leave his home each morning or in the middle of the night, knowing that he was leaving behind his family and that he might not ever return. He closed his eyes knowing that no matter how much he fought for justice at the end of the day he asked himself more often than not how he had managed to do it for over a decade and if it was worth it at all.

The morning arrived much too quickly, he felt as if he had just closed his eyes when it was time to get up again. He couldn't help but feel all the tension from the last few days in this body, it hurt as if he had gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson and lost them all twice. He scrubbed his face to try to wake up and got into the shower, twenty minutes later he was on his way to the precinct. Today was Munch's turn to watch over Olivia and he had to get himself up to date on his pending cases.

It was around 10 a.m. when they received a call about a homicide at a brokerage firm with a possible rape. What began as a routine call as far as SVU goes, soon turned into a chain of murders and money laundering that pointed to something much sinister than they could even imagine.

Elena Brevette's body was found by a colleague in the supply closet with her throat slashed, tortured, and raped. Everything indicated, given the way the body was found, that the perp was a sexual sadist. The rigor mortis in Helena Brevette's body revealed that she was murdered and tortured on Friday night, the forensic evidence was nearly inexistent, the perp took every precaution not to leave any evidence behind cleaning any possible trace of DNA with bleach.

However, when Fin and Elliot began to make routine questions they found out that the husband was conveniently out of the city, supposedly to return on Sunday night. When they went to the victim's house to interrogate her husband what they found instead was Jason Brevette lifeless body, tied to a chair in the living room with a violent hit to the back of his head, he was tortured and killed in the same way as his wife. O'Halloran found a possible motive in the hidden safe for the death of the Brevette couple. The safe deposit box had been emptied, and thanks to a new instrument that could pull odors from the ink used to print currency, he could estimate the dollar amount that had been in the safe to be more or less 1.5 million dollars. Their murders were evidently something more, something more sinister than what they thought at first. The killer entered the house of the Brevette's with the keys he stole from Elena's after killing her and He waited inside the house for the husband to return from Miami, he hadn't been dead more than 12 hours.

They returned to the 1-6, with more questions than answers. Given the seriousness of the case, Cragen called Munch to assist with the investigation, placing an officer in civilian clothes in the ICU waiting area alert to any strangers asking for Olivia's condition. Like Elliot, he also had the feeling that things were being more complicated than they appear at first sight.

The first thing Munch discovered was that Investments Brevette was actually a smoke screen to launder money, more likely to be linked with drug trafficking, their main client was _Vega Enterprises_ . Fin immediately called his friend in narcotics; Miguel asked them to meet him some time later.

Miguel explained to them what Vega Enterprises was, and how the Colombian drug dealers laundered their dirty money and transfer it legally back to Colombia without rising suspicion. After reviewing the list that Munch managed to get of Brevette's investors, he recognized a name, Elvira Castillo and they immediately went to interview her at the bodega she owned. It was late when they arrived there, but not so late to not find her. After a bit of pressure and the promise to transfer her son to Sing, Sing, Elvira gave them a name.  
Sergio Montoya.

Montoya was the middleman, he was the one that got the latinos to invest small amounts of money from time to time, paid out by check to the Brevette's investment firm in exchange for $5,000 in cash. With the name and address of Montoya, they went to his house to ask him some questions. Two bodies and a child miraculously alive was what they found in Montoya's apartment. Apparently, they had been tortured and murdered with a shot in the back of their heads by the same killer that murderer the Brevette's. Unfortunately, they arrived too late, the bodies even were lukewarm, however, they had a potential witness. Perhaps after all, the boy who the hired gun had left for dead might be able to give them the lead they needed.

When Antonio recovered consciousness and was able to talk, Miguel accompanied by Fin managed to obtain a name and some details about what had happened in the department that night. That Antonio had pretended to be asleep had saved his life. The child identified his attacker as _El Fantasma_, The Ghost. The nickname didn't ring any bells to Miguel, but was the only lead they had for now. Stabler called Fin and they returned to the precinct going directly to the Forensics lab to join Elliot, O'Halloran already had the ballistic results.

O'Halloran showed Elliot the bullet comparisons, demonstrating that both bullets found in the Montoya's couple belonged to the same weapon, and then he told Elliot that there was something even more interesting.

"And this is a third bullet".

"Who?" Elliot Asked.

"An unsolved murder" answered O'Halloran hitting the enter key, in a matter of seconds a photo appeared.

Elliot knew that his gut instinct had been correct when Alexandra Cabot's picture, victim of the same weapon that had killed the Montoya's, appeared on O'Halloran's screen.

"Oh fuck!" He said through gritted teeth. "Alexandra Cabot."

"What's up man?" Fin asked as he walked in with Miguel.

"We've opened up a can of worms. The Montoyas and Brevettes murderer is the same 'killer'…" He exchanged a look with Fin "as Alexandra Cabot's".

"You shitting me man?" Fin's eyes grew wide.

"No, apparently he's connected to Velez, the money that was being laundered was Velez's and he probably paid Liam Connor's to kill them all, possibly they were stealing money from him. Everything points to Liam Connors being his hired gun."

"We have to find the SOB, he's our link."

"Come on, we need to talk to Cragen and start looking for more leads, if we let too much more time go by he'll disappear again."

Fin and Elliot practically ran out of Forensics', the ball was rolling and they didn't know how much time they would have before it caused more damage along its path. Liam Connors was on the loose, he had already been hired to kill Alex. They had to find him before it was too late. It was obvious that Velez was launching a desperate offensive in order not to lose any more territory, money or his freedom.

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	17. Chapter 14 True Lies I

**AN: **I'm so sorry it took so long to update, my muse was on vacation or something, later RL was hectic and two weeks ago I did an exact Elliot Stabler last week episode fall (for those who still watch the show) but in my garden when I was collecting oranges, my left forearm suffered from bone bruising and it was swollen among other minor injuries, and it was impossible for me to spend long hours typing, and doing it with one hand and one finger was a nightmare, I did try. However, everything is all right now thank God.

This one is a long chap, given that most readers prefer to read short chapters I'm going to split it into three.

**Please, don't forget to review, I don't want my muse to take that as an excuse to go on vacation again. **

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For disclaimers go to Chapter 1 (Prologue)

**Chapter 14 True Lies**

Olivia Benson thought she knew pain, desperation, anguish, desolation, and hopelessness; she was intimate with death and had never hesitated to face it.

In her line of work, it was impossible not to maintain yourself at the edge of those grotesque and disheartening situations that she needed to confront in a daily basis but was impossible to remain insensitive to them. It was just that perfect balance that Olivia had managed to maintain although precariously that made her try to find the strength each day, early morning or hour to find justice for the victims.

Detective Olivia Benson was not unfamiliar to any of those emotions, on the contrary, she knew them too well to be able to understand them and be able to confront them and come out winning when these threatened to drown her. Although the price at times was very high, the ability to come out ahead of such painful situations, she had been able to accomplish it until this day.

However, at that moment, Olivia could not count on that strength, or the wherewithal to try to move forward. Each breath, each beat of her heart was a perpetual signal of tearing pain. Olivia felt less than human, just a shell of skin and bone that refused to die but that had no life. Death would not be punishment enough; death would not free her from suffering. Olivia did not deserve a simple death.

It had only been a few hours that the doctor had said, "I'm sorry, she lost too much blood, and we couldn't do anything." Before disappearing back from where he had come from and leaving behind him a stunned detective, as Stabler moved closer to her not knowing what to do. For everyone else Olivia and Alex were only co-workers, good friends but nothing else, they couldn't imagine how far from the truth that was. Olivia and Alex were much more than friends, even more than just girlfriends, they were lovers, two women determined to do anything before losing each other. So Elliot wasn't sure what he should do to comfort Olivia, nor was he sure that Liv would allow it.

Capitan Cragen's voice pulled him out of his thoughts, Olivia continued staring as if hypnotized at the doors through which the doctor had appeared, gave them the sad news, and didn't seem to be aware of the Captain's presence. Elliot, always the loyal Elliot, turned to Cragen shaking his head in response to the Captain's silent question. In reality, not much time had passed between the attempt on Alex's life, her transfer to the hospital and the vain attempt of the medical team to try to save her life. So people like Branch, Cragen and even Hammond were just arriving. Alex's mother had been out in the Hamptons and was still on her way.

Olivia could barely recall what happened after, what she did remember however was Elliot's strong presence by her side, talking to her, trying to be strong for her and at the same time offering her comfort that he knew she desperately needed. However, Olivia was totally numb by the pain in which she was in at the moment, tearing her up inside to take much notice. She recalled answering all of Stabler's questions, even insisting that he should leave once he had dropped her off at her apartment. Olivia needed to be alone; she knew that she desperately needed to learn to be alone, alone once more.

Elliot seemed reluctant to leave her; he was afraid for Liv; afraid that in the emotional state that Olivia was in now she would do something crazy. However, Olivia looked him in the eyes, eyes that were normally warm and alive and were now cold and hard and it frightened the detective making him want to insist on staying with her. Nonetheless, the tone of Olivia's voice made him rethink his decision to remain with her.

"I'm not a coward Elliot, I've never been. Death would be more of a blessing than a punishment." She said enigmatically and with a cold smile.

Elliot swallowed hard, tightened his jaw as if he were about to say something more, as he knew what was going through Olivia's mind in that instant, but he held back, agreed and pulled her toward him for a hug and whispered in her ear not to hesitate to call him if she needed to. Olivia promised to do so and watched as he left. Once alone, Olivia let herself fall to the floor, without strength, like a rag doll; still, not a single tear appeared in her eyes.

Only 48 hours ago, she had promised Alex's mother that she would take care and protect her daughter for the rest of her life, love her and make her happy. It had only been twelve hours ago that she and Alex had lunch and talked about the recent events at court after the DA had dropped the charges against Zapata.

Hours, minutes, seconds a blink of an eye and Olivia had lost everything. Death would only be a blessing and Olivia wasn't ready to forgive herself because after all she didn't deserve any forgiveness. Not after promising to take care of and protect with her life the woman she loved. She had broken the promise without even trying.

Feeling as if the weight of the world were on her shoulders, Liv pulled herself up on shaky legs; it was as if all the strength in her body had vanished. Walking as if she had swallowed a bottle of bourbon all at once, but Olivia refused to lose herself in a bottle of alcohol. Olivia didn't want to forget, on the contrary, she wanted to keep her memories of her life with Alex even if they were painful. Moreover, she refused to fall prey to the alcohol, it was in her genes, she knew it would be easy to lose herself in it, to try to use it as a crutch on those cold and solitary days that her future had now become. Nevertheless, Olivia wasn't a coward nor would she run away from her responsibilities. She knew she deserved punishment and was ready to suffer through whatever it was. A life without Alex.

Olivia went to her room and with shaky hands undressed and got into the shower. She knew it was only a vain attempt to rid herself of the smell of blood that continued to penetrate her brain, the color of Alex's blood, blood that she couldn't stop and that had cost her lover her life. The hot water did little or nothing to loosen the muscles that were as tight as a violin. With her eyes closed, she searched for the body gel and without much attention proceeded to wash herself when suddenly the scent assaulted her senses and her eyes opened up as wide as saucer's. It was Alex's gel, ginger with orange blossom, Olivia let the sound of a wounded animal escape, and the tears that she had held back began to fall and shook her body violently. Without an ounce of strength, she fell to the floor of the shower and curling up into an oval she squeezed herself around the shower gel as it were Alex's body that she had in her arms.

It was only when the water turned cold that Olivia finally reacted and with her body numb from being in the same position for so long she got to her feet. Without caring that the water was now cold, she picked up her own gel and carefully returned Alex's next to all the other expensive products the attorney used for her bath then finished her shower. Once she was done she wrapped herself in a towel and went to the bedroom, she put on a pair of boxers and an old Harvard t-shirt. It was or had once belonged to Alex until she had made it her own, just as Alex had taken one of her old t-shirts from the police academy to sleep in. A bittersweet smile appeared on her face at the memory.

_They had been going out for a little over a month when one night the rain took Olivia by surprise and since she was already on her way to see Alex she simply hurried her steps and was soon at the front door of the attorney's apartment. As soon as Alex saw her she hurried to take her to her room and ordered her to remove the wet clothing while she prepared a hot tub for her._

_When Olivia appeared in all her naked glory next to Alex who was preparing the bath she almost caused the blonde to fall into the tub from surprise._

_"Christ Liv!" Alex gasped, but not from fright, but for a very different reason. "Uh, the bath is ready." Alex managed to say her heart trying to beat its way out of her chest. They had yet to consummate their relationship and she knew that Olivia wanted to explore their relationship more. To get to know each other as people before taking that step. So only by pure self control that she didn't know she had she moved aside with a smile for the detective so that she could get in the tub._

_"I'm sorry Alex; it's just that it's cold." Liv gave her a lopsided smile that the attorney loved. Olivia could see the pulse beating in Alex's throat and the way she kept swallowing._

_ "It's no problem, take your bath, I don't want you getting sick." Alex managed to say in a rough voice. "I'm going to look for something for you to wear."_

_"Ok" _

_ A__lex hurriedly left the elegant bathroom and Olivia shaking her head got in the tub. She left a sigh of pleasure escape at the contact with the warm water that immediately began to sooth her muscles._

_When she emerged thirty minutes later, a Harvard Law t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants lay on the bed. She put them on and walked out barefoot in search of Alex who was at that moment coming out of the kitchen with two plates._

_"Ready for dinner?" Alex smiled, her eyes shining appreciatively. "That shirt looks better on you than on me."_

_"Hmm," Liv smiled. "Good cause I don't plan to return it." Liv threatened with a mischievous look in her eyes._

_"Ok, then I guess I won't have to return yours." Alex confessed with a tinge of red in her cheeks._

_ "Hey, so you're the one that has it." She laughed and took a seat in front of Alex on the sofa. "I was going crazy looking for it. I thought that I had lost it at the Laundromat."_

_"Hmm." Alex lowered her head blushing even more, but Olivia's hand lifted her face, only to lose her gaze in that liquid chocolate of the detective's eyes._

_"I love you. How about a trade?" Liv offered._

_"I would love that."_

_"It's a deal then."_

And from that day on Olivia kept the t-shirt and would wear nothing else at night unless she was spending the night with Alex.

A fresh wave of tears overtook Olivia who could only squeeze the pillow that still held Alex's scent.

"Oh, Alex how am I gonna make it without you?"

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	18. Chapter 14 True Lies II

**AN:**

Thank you once again for those who have reviewed me so far, it means a lot to me, also thanks to all those who had me added to their favorite story and Story alert list. Thank you. Nevertheless, I am happy to see so many people reading the story until now, my muse however is a little disappointed that it's only very a few that have reviewed...sigh :( V

For the canon keepers, in the Loss episode: when Alex got shot, the date is September 29th, and the scene with all of them at the precinct when Olivia is looking at the newspaper and everything said October 1st. seeing as September has 30 days, I used the 30th to write the next part tweaking it a little.

Disclaimers see Chapter 1

**Don't FORGET to review!**

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The morning took forever to arrive for Olivia, in a zombie state, she changed clothes, and without even a coffee or anything met up with Elliot out front where he always waited for her.

"Hey Liv" Elliot greeted not knowing what else to say, to ask how she was, was stupid, he knew exactly what the answer would be. It was written under her eyes in dark circles and that lost look in her eyes. She was pale and a cold distance enveloped her.

"Today is going to be a hell of a day." Olivia commented as she adjusted her seatbelt.

"Tell me about it," Not knowing if it was the right thing to do but knowing that he couldn't hide it from her he decided it was probably best to come out with it now. "It's in all the papers, as expected. Cragen already called me to tell me that IAB were on their way to the precinct to take our statements."

"I wasn't talking about that, I have to talk to Alex's mother." She said closing her eyes as if that would hide the pain she felt at the mention of Alex's mother. "How the hell was am I going to tell her that I failed to protect her daughter?"

"Oh" Elliot said shaking her head and kept her thoughts to himself.

The rest of the trip was made in silence, Olivia's gaze set out the window. Elliot from time to time would look at her from the corner of his eye, squeezing his jaw with desperation at seeing his partner suffering. He wished he could comfort her as he did with his own children, he wished he could tell her that everything would be fine, even if he knew it wouldn't be.

When they arrived at the precinct, Olivia put her things away in her locker and sat at her desk in an attempt to distract herself, but the atmosphere at the precinct was deathly quiet. None of the usual expectant energy that a possible new case brought was there. However, the silence was overwhelming, none of the detectives dared to look at her, as if they were all ashamed that they could not prevent the attempt, as if they knew deep inside that they had failed. That believing that Alex was safe because she had dropped the case had been a mistake that the attorney paid for with her life.

Olivia didn't lose time and placed her black funeral band around her shield, which are worn when a fellow officer is killed. Technically Alex Cabot was not a member of the police force but she was and always would be part of the team. Therefore, without caring what IAB thought one way or the other she placed the band on.

When the Captain called her in when the IAB agents arrived, Olivia stared at the detective in charge of the investigation disdainfully and answered all his questions in a cold professional manner. All her being wanted to scream at the injustice she felt, the rage, the pain that the death of the ADA meant to her, but as the experienced detective that she was, she managed to give her statement with barely a blink of an eye. When they were done, she left without a single glance back and sat at her desk.

A call to her cell brought her out of her depressive contemplation; she had spent nearly an hour staring at the Ledger, featuring a picture of her lover and the "No Leads on slain A.D.A." burning her eyes. Without checking the caller ID she answered.

"Benson." She answered dryly.

"Detective Benson, I don't think it's necessary for me to identify myself." A woman's well educated and elegant voice but nonetheless bitter said. Olivia paled when she recognized the voice. "I'm calling as a courtesy to my daughter, and as much as I would like to be the one laying dead detective." Mrs. Cabot said Olivia's title like an insult. "But life doesn't always give us what we want. You have a week to empty Alex's penthouse. You can keep anything you like, it doesn't matter to me. Alex is dead Detective Benson, dead. You failed my daughter just as I knew you would."

"Ma'am, I…" The sound of the dial tone resounding in her ear indicating the other party had hung up. She brought her hand up to her forehead, brushed her bangs aside, and stared at the cell as if it would bite her. "Damn it to hell!"

Elliot who sat in front of her had seen her turn pale at the call and waited attentively for it to end. It was obvious that whomever it was that had called had not been pleasant. "Who was it?"

"Alex's mother" She said in a whisper, pressing her lips together. "She hates me."

"Liv don't say that." Elliot kept his voice low so that Fin and Munch wouldn't find out what they were talking about.

"Oh yes, yes she does El, and for good reason." Olivia spat out bitterly, with a hint of regret in her eyes.

"Liv it wasn't your fault, if it's anyone's fault is the DEA for not being on the alert, for letting us believe that by releasing Zapata, Alex would be safe."

"I should have been more alert, we should never have gone out, I should have taken her home and kept her protected there for a few days. I knew what I should have done El, and I didn't do it! Now she's dead, dead!" Olivia closed her eyes trying to hide the tears that threatened to spill over.

Munch and Fin turned when Benson's voice rose slightly; they exchanged looks with Elliot as the three sat in silence. They knew that Olivia would be especially hit hard by Cabot's death. They had been witness to the growing friendship between them, especially after the Avery case and particularly the Cavanaugh case. Olivia had always been a loner by nature, she could count her friends on one hand, and that Alex had been one of those was not in doubt.

It was barely six and Cragen ordered Olivia to go home and rest. That Olivia didn't protest in the least was enough for Elliot and Cragen to exchange worried looks. At a nod from the Captain, Elliot stood from his chair, pulled on his coat and left after Olivia.

Olivia was so engrossed in her thoughts that it didn't seem to matter that Elliot was following her. The Detective walked with no particular destination in mind, she walked for a little over an hour when she raised eyes and suddenly realized where she was. She was standing in front of the building where Alex had her penthouse. She stood there for several minutes, her hands stuffed in the pockets of her leather jacket as tears ran down her cheeks. In anger, she wiped them away and headed for the door. As soon as the door attendant saw her, he got to his feet.

"I'm so sorry Detective Benson, it was such a great loss." George said in sympathy.

"I know George, I know." She smiled weakly. "Mrs. Cabot told me…" The words stuck in her throat, she tightened her jaw trying to control herself.

"I know, she called and spoke with the Super, we are here to help in whatever you need Detective Benson."

"Thank you. I'm going up and by the way, Detective Stabler will probably be here in a few minutes, you can tell him to go home, I'm fine."

"Of course, good night." He said courteously.

"Good night George."

She punched the button for the Penthouse and in a few minutes, she was standing in front of Alex's front door. Once more, she gave herself time to gather her strength to take the first step. With shaky hands, she took out her keys from her pants pocket, picked out the Penthouse and after a couple of attempts managed to unlock the door.

The Penthouse was dark, only the lights from the city that came through the windows gave enough illumination to look for the light switch. However, Olivia didn't turn them on; with the familiarity of someone who is well known with their surroundings, Olivia headed directly to Alex's bedroom. If she had to begin somewhere, it would be here, where Alex's presence could be felt much stronger. She stopped at the doorway that was partially opened, Alex did not like leaving her bedroom door open when she wasn't home, but she didn't like to leave it complete closed either.

Olivia knew what she would find on the other side of the door, it had only been 24 hours more or less that she, and Alex had run out of the room because they were running late. The bed left unmade and their sleeping attire all over the floor, the bathrobe on the bed and a blouse that Alex had left on the bed that morning. Olivia had woken the attorney up with soft kisses and caresses around five that morning, the blonde had woken up slowly with a smile on her face and with a sleep roughened voice asked Olivia what she was doing. Not that she minded at all, if any she loved waking up like this, the kisses and caresses didn't always end up with them making love in passionate abandon, but the fact that they could enjoy that love that Olivia so liberally demonstrated was like a blessing that she treasured. The detective smiled and tilting her head slightly looked at her with all the love she had reflected in her chocolate brown eyes that she loved so much. "Loving you" and she had proceeded to do exactly that. It was well past 7:45 a.m. when they left for work.

She took a deep breath and opened the door, almost without paying attention she proceeded to pick up the room, almost as if she was waiting for Alex to come walking in any second grumbling that she hadn't had time to pick up before she left. As she proceeded, the tears would not stop falling across Olivia's pained face, who suddenly let herself fall on the edge of the bed not knowing what do to next. She hugged the NYPD t-shirt burying her face in it and breathing in the aroma that was clearly her lover's. The sobs that shook her body were heart wrenching, something in her insides was broken and she didn't know if she could continue living when her heart was broken in so many pieces.

Her love for Alex was never in doubt. What she felt for the attorney was never up for discussion. Though she had resisted at first for fear of what might happen if she let down the walls around her heart, protecting it from a loss that she didn't know if she could handle. However, she never imagined she could feel like this, as if her heart had been ripped from her chest and in its place was an empty bloody hole that beat painfully and that at the same time wouldn't let her die, remembering her at every beat that she was still alive and without her.

At some point Olivia finished picking up everything from the floor, completely numb by pain, without feeling but yet feeling each painful breath. Dying would be a blessing and not punishment, she told to herself over and over.

When the walls began to close in around her, Olivia practically ran out of the Penthouse, she couldn't, not yet it was too much. Not feeling capable of returning to her own apartment, she headed for the precinct. She needed to do something, work, anything so long as she didn't have to think, to feel, or to live.

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	19. Chapter 14 True Lies III

**An:** Ok, here's the final part of chapter 14 I hope you like it, I already have written Chapter 15 but since I was in medical leave for a couple of weeks, now I have a lot of backlog at work so it will take me at least a week to catch up but I promise to keep posting, besides you can look forward to a small songfic that I wrote in search of my SVU muse.

Thanks to all those that even though you may not have left a comment have put me on their favorites list, that really means a lot to me.

V

Don't forget to review.

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_Captain Cragen arrived at the precinct at 7 a.m. and wasn't surprised to see Olivia concentrated on her DD5 forms on pending cases. From the size of the stack that was to one side, it was obvious that she had spent hours at it._

"_Good morning, Olivia."_

"_Captain" Olivia responded with a forced smile._

_The Captain stopped by her desk for a moment, trying to think what to say. Olivia looked exhausted. "Olivia, I know that Alex was your friend and I understand that given the circumstances of what's happened if you want to take a few days off to…" He paused as if looking for the right words in order not to offend Olivia, who could easily take his advice as an affront to her professionalism, which had never been in question for a second, but it was obvious that the death of the attorney had hit his best detective especially hard, "assimilate."_

"_No Captain." Olivia immediately responded. "It's not necessary. I can do my work, if that's what you're worried about."_

"_Of course not Olivia, but Alex was part of the team and her death has affected all of us, but you and she were good friends."_

"_Captain with all due respect what I need is to keep my mind busy, I didn't take a single day off when my mother died so don't expect me to take any now." She said angrily. How could she make Cragen understand that being alone in her apartment was worse than being there? Her previously solitary life was not a problem but since Alex had brought light into her life, returning to her former life was a purgatory. Every corner, every nook, everything made her remember the woman that she loved, and that she had lost._

"_Very well then."_

_When the rest of the team arrived, no one made any comment about Olivia's presence; even Elliot limited himself to only placing a coffee cup on her desk and start of his DD5 cases as if nothing was up._

_It was well past 7 p.m. when Cragen came out of his office to ask what was happening with the witness of one of their current cases. Elliot responded brusquely and before Cragen could remind him that it was his job to make the witness talk someone handed him a paper._

"_Great, Zapata was found dead as he waited for his court appearance, there aren't any witnesses."_

"_Zapata was Velez extradition ticket." Fin observed._

_Munch immediately jumped in. "It wouldn't surprise me if the government had sent a Delta force to have him killed."_

_No one paid any mind to his recent conspiracy theory._

"_DEA Agent Hammond wants to see you two tonight." Cragen continued as if Munch hadn't spoken. "Here is the address." He handed Olivia a piece of paper as she turned to look at Elliot with a frown, what more did the damn agent want from them?_

"_What for?" Elliot asked brusquely._

"_So they can wrap up any lose ends on the case."_

_Olivia and Elliot exchanged questioning looks and nodded in agreement._

_When they were headed to the meeting, a couple of hours later neither of them said a word during the drive over. Elliot and Olivia got out of the vehicle and Hammond did the same._

"_What a lovely place. How convenient." Elliot remarked sarcastically._

"_Sorry, I didn't want to do this." Hammond responded in barely hidden frustration._

"_Do what." Olivia asked, feeling wary as she walked alongside Hammond in the direction of two SUV's where several federal agents stood guard, her heart started beating erratically._

"_Wouldn't take no for an answer, what a pain in the ass this one."_

_When they were standing in front of a black Suburban Agent Hammond stopped and a pair of US Marshall's opened the door, the person that emerged from the vehicle left them both thunderstruck. Olivia used all her police training to keep herself from jumping on the woman in front of her._

"_I'm so sorry about all of this." Alex said in a scratchy voice._

_Olivia could feel the way her eyes filled with tears as she studied that woman in front of her avidly, the woman whom up until a few minutes ago she thought dead. Alex had her right arm in a sling; she wore a brown leather jacket and a scarf around her neck. She looked pale and had dark circles under her eyes._

"_Your funeral is tomorrow." Olivia managed to say in a strangled whisper. Her whole being was screaming to grab Alex and never let her go. Hammond's voice was what stopped her._

"_You both should be there. It would be best if Alex remained dead. If Cesar Velez could get Zapata, he could do the same to her."_

"_Witness protection" Elliot said understanding immediately._

"_At least until Cesar Velez is extradited or otherwise dealt with." Alex confirmed._

_Olivia took a step forward and in a broken voice asked what her reasonable mind refused to accept "for how long?"_

_Olivia's heart broke once again to see Alex look at her so desperately; begging with her eyes to try to understand something, which in reality was incomprehensible for either of them. They looked into each other's eyes as if wishing to communicate in that way what they each needed to hear but could not express with so many people around. For several seconds, that was only a short breath, they exchanged promises and a silent declaration of love that were more painful than heartening. In that moment, hope was only a dagger in the heart, which for the detective was already in pieces._

"_We have to go." A voice said and Alex turned to get back into the vehicle without taking her eyes off Olivia. The detective blew out a breath in an effort to control herself and not throw herself at Alex so she wouldn't leave._

_When she was inside the SUV, Alex once again searched out Olivia, as if saying goodbye but at the same time giving her the strength that she knew, the detective needed to let her go. She looked at Elliot one last time then at Olivia, the door shut and within seconds had gone. Olivia turned to look at Elliot; he could clearly see the desperation she felt in her eyes._

_When the caravan of Federal vehicles disappeared, Olivia collapsed; Elliot barely had time to catch her in his arms as violent sobs wracked the body of his partner._

"_She's alive, alive." She kept repeating in a broken voice._

"_You need to be strong Liv, for her." Elliot comforted not sure what else to say._

_He held his sobbing partner for several minutes until she pulled away wiping her face with certain fury and pain._

"_I know. Do you have something to do this weekend?" Olivia asked as she straightened and Elliot once again saw the light in the detective's eyes that had been extinguished. It was as if Olivia had come back to life._

"_Well, I don't know."_

"_I need help to take Alex's things to a warehouse."_

"_Alex?" He stared at her uncomprehendingly._

"_Yes, that's what her mother called me for. She said I had a week to empty Alex's Penthouse, that I could keep everything if I wanted it."_

"_Everything!?" Elliot repeated aghast. He had been in Alex's Penthouse on a couple of occasions and he knew what it contained could easily send all of his kids to college without a problem and still have some leftover._

"_Yes, I wasn't thinking of doing so, I just thought I'd pick up my things and some stuff that Alex and I had bought together, aside from her personal things. However, I am not going to let Alex's life go to as if she didn't exist. Alex is going to return and I want everything that belongs to her to be waiting when she does. In fact, if her mother thinks that by doing so I am a gold-digger I don't give a fucking damn. She said she didn't care if I kept everything, that her daughter was dead. I know that if it had been up to her I would never set foot in the Penthouse again but I also know that she's doing it because that's what Alex would have wanted. "She chose me." Olivia thought to herself and that's what hurts the most. "She's just being courteous because that was Alex's last wish." She added in a whisper._

_Elliot had no way of knowing it, but the last time that Alex had spoken to her mother, she had made it clear that Olivia not only was the woman she loved but that if she had to give up everything that the name Cabot represented she would do it before giving up Olivia. That had been the reason why the detective had gone to see Alex's mother. To tell her that she loved her daughter and how it hurt Olivia to see the rift that was forming between her and Alex. Both women had come to an agreement. Mrs. Cabot understood that Alex would not be changing her mind and Olivia knowing that even if she weren't completely accepted by the mother of her partner, she would at least recognize her place in her daughter's life as a partner for good or bad._

"_But…" Elliot shook his head. "She's not keeping Alex's stuff?_

"_It would seem so, will you help me?" Liv asked again._

"_Of course I will."_

"_Fine, I'll get a storage unit tomorrow and I'll start packing."_

_Elliot agreed and both headed for the car. When Stabler asked where he could drop her off, Olivia didn't hesitate._

"_To Alex's place. I have a lot to do."_

_Almost an hour later Olivia entered the Penthouse and turned on the lights, looking around her with determination._

"_I'm bringing you back Alex, I swear it."_

_With a determined step, she headed for the bedroom, took out a pair of suitcases, and started putting away Alex's cloths with a firm hand and a new resolution in mind._

_Alex was alive and even if it was going to be hard, to live without her, Olivia knew what it was to experience thinking she was dead only 24 hours ago. Nothing could be worse._

"_You will come back to me Alex, I know you will." Olivia said closing the first suitcase that she had carefully filled with the expensive and designer suits that belonged to the attorney. "I know you will return."_

_Repeating that like a mantra, Olivia felt each hour that passed was beginning to have meaning again. Her Alex was alive and for now that was the only thing that really mattered. The only important thing, the world could believe that she was dead; the whole world had to believe it, but only Olivia knew the truth._

_Her Alex was alive and for now that was enough, it had to be._

_**TBC**_

**_Don't forget to review. :) _**

**_Thanks in advance._**

**_V_**


	20. Chapter 15 Revelations Part I

**AN:** Sorry for the late and short update, RL has been hectic. Thanks for your reviews to this story altougth my new story However, not was sadly ignored :( or something like that because only Pie, -thanks Pie- reviewed. I know, it is a sad one but hey, it was a necessary evil, it got my creative juices flowing.

**Don't forget to review this one please.**

**V**

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**Chapter 15 Revelations**

Alex realized over the next two days that Casey always went to go visit Olivia early in the morning, just after 8 and would return just before 7 in the evening. So even though she kept hidden she also kept close to observe her, asking herself why she kept visiting her daily and was so concerned for her. There was something in the ADA's attitude that perturbed Alex. She couldn't help but feel jealous, who was she really? Elliot told her that they were only friends and colleagues but she felt that there was something more and she wasn't sure that she wanted to know what it was.

She confided in Olivia blindly, but an entire year and a half had passed and even if she hadn't intended to, she might have felt lonely, needing something that she didn't have at the moment. Alex knew it, she knew what it was like to need comforting, and she knew how easy it was to fall into that trap. She had been at the point of falling in the same one, but at the end she couldn't. Her love for Olivia was too deep to blemish it with a night of temporary comfort. The only one that could give it to her was Liv no one else.

Upset with herself for the course her thoughts were taking she concentrated on her internet purchases. Her mother had brought her a laptop with wi-fi the day before and left one of her credit cards so that she could buy clothes and whatever else she liked. She could have the things delivered to her house so that she could later bring them to the hospital.

Alex felt strangely happy, liberated; it had been over a year that she couldn't give herself the luxury of buying without looking at the price. After living all her life without knowing any of that before her time under the WPP made her feel really bad and ashamed of herself. She knew that it wasn't her fault she was born into a wealthy family, but having had to live as someone without resources was a complete shock and took her awhile to get used to living off a small salary. Being objective, the truth was that "Emily" lived in a small town in Wisconsin that did not have a Saks or any designer stores where she could shop at. Besides she didn't have a need to dress to the nines, nonetheless, she did miss Luigi's even Starbucks was better than nothing, the Carnegie Deli with their imported cheeses, good wines, not to mention the French beauty products that she was used to or being able to go the Met or Broadway to see a good show. Get used to that kind of basic lifestyle was a shock.

For that reason, it wasn't so strange that she felt liberated, a bit odd over the feelings she was now having, perhaps it was true that shopping –if only by internet– was therapeutic, at the same time, perhaps it was from the good news that the doctor had just given her. This evening they would take Liv out of her induced coma and Alex wanted to buy Liv a few things to make her feel better.

She knew that Olivia wouldn't be able to walk the first few days but it was important that the detective should start taking a few steps daily once she was conscious and had more strength. The doctor had told Alex that in a week from that day Olivia had to start taking therapy to recover. The muscles atrophy quickly when one is in bed for a good length of time, as she had been, adding to the all the internal damage her body had already suffered which would result in a lot of pain for several days.

Olivia had been transferred to a regular room; Alex assured herself that it was a private double room, with a privacy curtain between the beds, that way she could hide when it was necessary. Even though the visits for Olivia were restricted to the SVU detectives and Casey Novak, the later was the one she had to be careful with, at least she already knew at what time she came by, although usually Munch was the one that kept her updated as far as when Novak was planning to visit Liv. Elliot gave her a disposable cell so she could stay in touch in case of any emergency; it had been at least a day since she had seen him. In reality she only stayed in contact with the SVU detectives by cell. It would seem they had a very complicated case on their hands that required the whole team's attention and with Liv out of the picture it only made it harder.

When it came time to take Liv off of the meds that kept her in the induced coma, Alex was a bundle of nerves, her mother had gone to see her during the morning and had taken her a couple of books to read, so once she had finished with her purchases she tried to read, still she couldn't concentrate. Just knowing that Olivia would soon be free of the induced coma had her anxious, asking herself how she would react to her presence. Would she know it was her? She knew she hadn't changed much, her hair was a little longer and she was a bit thinner otherwise she was the same.

The doctor came in and smiled at Alex. "Well, it's time. I'll be removing the sedatives that maintain Detective Benson in the coma; we will have to wait for her to recover consciousness slowly over the next half hour or so. Don't expect her to recognize you or that she remain awake for more than a few minutes. Even though we will be removing the coma inducing sedatives she will continue to be slightly sedated so that her body can start adapting to the pain that she will feel when she recovers consciousness. If you notice that she is in a lot of pain, push this button" he pointed the morphine drip "The detective had progressed satisfactorily and I expect a full recovery although lengthy. The bullets that penetrated her body luckily didn't damage any of her vital organs other than causing a collapsed lung. We managed to recover the lung without any secondary effects. In all it should it will take some time to recover from the damage. The rib is already fusing which was what caused the hemorrhaging when it fragmented." He explained.

Alex closely watched what the doctor was doing, how he made some notations on the chart and left with a smile. The attorney placed herself to one side of Olivia and took her hand. She could definitely tell that Liv was already feeling warmer, it looked like her body was recovering well from the severe loss of blood although she still looked pale but no longer had that deathly look that she had at first.

Alex didn't remove her eyes from Liv, waiting for any sign that indicated that the detective was recovering consciousness. After several minutes, it wasn't any movement that Liv made, but the rhythm of her breathing that alerted Alex of Liv's imminent consciousness. Her breathing became deeper and less mechanical. Alex moved closer, squeezing her hand without realizing it. The muscles in Liv's face contracted painfully, an involuntary reflex. Liv's eyelids moved slightly.

Before the doctor had left he suggested that the main lights be turned off to avoid that these might bother Liv, since she had had her eyes closed for so long, a bright light might cause her discomfort and perhaps even some pain if she moved suddenly to avoid the light. Not realizing that she was holding her breath, Alex noticed how Liv's eyelids began to move as if she were trying to fight to open them. Which in fact was the case, Liv opened her mouth slightly and opened her eyes only to close them again, she tried to open them once again and a shadow appeared before her, her eyes were not cooperating, she closed them and once again opened them and tried to focus. She let out a mewl and closed her eyes when her brain registered the pain assaulting her body. She once again opened her eyes and a golden halo invaded her pupils. A face formed in front of her, but it couldn't be for real, she was hallucinating. She felt her eyelids so heavy as they slowly closed again, she tried everything she could to open them again and focus…

"Alex?" Her voice barely a whisper "Alex?" She repeated and she would swear that she heard her voice.

"Yes, Liv, it's me. Alex." Alex answered in an emotionally broken voice.

"Alex." Olivia breathed before falling into a deep sleep once again.

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**Don't forget to review, please. :)**


	21. Chapter 15 Revelations Part II

**AN:** Hmm, forgive my tardiness with the update, but I wasn't too sure about some things that I had written and I did not want to publish it before fixing them. I still have a few doubts, but it's more like when you take a test, if you didn't remember on the first try, you probably won't remember 5 seconds before you turn it in. It could happen but in this case once I had finished and reading it several times I finally decided to finalize it. If you have any questions or suggestions or whatever please let me know.

Since season 11 has been so disappointing so far, I think that I'm going to forget SVU as a tv show and am going to continue as before, reading fics and no suffering disappointment every Wednesday with the canon show. I mean, I know, they aren't going to pair AO, but WTF are they doing with the characters? Elliot is not a surprise, he is macho cop all the way and every one else be damned, but who is that OLIVIA? is scary. Sigh, Another good show that has gone down the drain.

**Don't forget to review. **

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**Disclaimers see part 1**

**Chapter 15.2 Revelations **

Tears ran liberally down the attorney's face, Olivia had recognized her, she knew she was there. Without being able to contain herself any longer Alex broke down in tears, tears of relief and happiness just knowing that Olivia would be fine. Soon she would be looking into her eyes and hearing her voice. _Oh Liv_. She took Olivia's hand that she had been holding to her lips and kissed it reverently as tears continued to track down her cheeks and the hours and days waiting in anguish disappeared just knowing that Liv would be well. She didn't know how much time had passed as she cried and held on the Liv's hand as if her life depended on it, just waiting for Liv to wake up once again.

Olivia awoke once again about an hour later but only for a few seconds. She asked for water barely opening her eyes and Alex hurried to put a chip of ice between her lips that the nurse had left earlier in case she woke up again. Even though Liv had recovered consciousness briefly Alex wasn't so sure that Olivia was really aware that she was there.

As she washed her face to clean away the tears that stained her face she felt the cell vibrate and she checked it, it was a message from Munch, "CN ETA 2" Damn, she thought to herself. It wouldn't give her a chance to get out of the bathroom; she would just have to hope that the attorney wouldn't need to use it.

Just as Munch had indicated, Casey Novak came in moments later. Alex observed her carefully from between the slightly cracked door that was fortunately to Novak's back. She narrowed her eyes when si noticed how Novak took Liv's hand in hers.

"Hey Liv, Elliot told me that they would be taking you out of your coma tonight. You have no idea how happy that made me feel. We really miss you at the precinct. I really miss you." She smiled at her own confession. "You know something? I can't believe it this is happening to me. I went home for a few days because I just couldn't think. I felt strange and I didn't know why.

Alex listened carefully to Casey's words and frowned, she didn't like the tone in the attorney's voice. It took all of her self control not to run out of the bathroom and yank Liv's hand away from her. She wanted to make it very clear to Casey Novak, in a cavewoman sort of way, that Olivia Benson was off limits and engaged. With her.

"I've thought a lot about this Liv, and it still takes me by surprise. You don't know how many times I've gone around with this. When I met you there was such sadness in your eyes that I couldn't keep from asking myself who could have hurt you in that way. In your eyes was such desolation, as if you had lost your best friend or lover. I asked myself why. I asked myself who could be so stupid as to hurt you. And I only wanted to make you laugh once again. Ever since I was assigned to SVU many told me that you were SVU's angel and then once I saw you dealing with the victims I understood. You have a huge heart; it's inevitable not to care for you, to admire you.

Alex's eyes filled with tears forgetting completely the jealousy that she felt when she heard Casey Novak describe the first few days of her supposed death, because she knew that the pain in Olivia's eyes were due to her and to find out from someone else how much her Liv had suffered broke her heart.

"I still remember the times you refused to accept an invitation to lunch or to dinner after preparing your testimony or waiting for a verdict. On the other hand, I could see in your eyes that you realized I was just trying to make you laugh. Several times I surprised you looking off into the distance, as if you were asking yourself if it was a good idea to start a friendly relationship with me aside from a professional one." Casey laughed lightly. "Remember the first time that you accepted to go with me to the Knicks game, after listening to me lament that I didn't want to go alone since my friend had cancelled. It was the first of many. Not only did you go with me to the game but you discovered that I lived close by and soon we were run together when the climate permitted.

Alex felt her heart stop as she heard Novak narrate to Liv what they had done together. _No, no, it wasn't true_, her mind screamed _did she comfort you when you were lonely, Liv? _

"I never thought that you would enjoy softball, you don't know how it felt to have someone from the precinct that I could go with and practice softball with and could understand my need to pass hours in the batting cage trying to beat the ball to pieces exorcising the demons. Do you remember that time we went to the King Tut Exhibit inauguration those crazy theories about his death. You made me laugh like I haven't laughed in a long time. You made me remember that after all there always a tomorrow and renewed hope."

Alex was about to come out to demand some answers when Olivia opened her eyes, causing Casey to release a surprised gasp.

"¡Liv!"

"Casey? Olivia asked a bit disoriented and in a scratchy voice from disuse. She looked around looking for someone she was sure had been there before. "Wha…A…?"

"You want some water? Let me get the nurse." Casey hurried out in search of the nurse.

Olivia closed her eyes for a moment; she was so sure that Alex had been there. Tears formed in her eyes, it had only been a dream. Alex had been a just a fucking dream, she was all alone. Alex hadn't been there! Her broken heart screamed.

Alex was about to come out, she could see the pain in Liv's face when she realized that it was Casey and not her at her side. She knew she couldn't. With her heart tightening and wishing with all of her heart that she could run to Liv's side, Alex closed the door carefully and leaned against it, as the tears ran down her cheeks. It wasn't fair. She should be the one hugging and comforting Olivia, assuring her that everything would be alright. Nonetheless, now Alex must hide in the bathroom like some fugitive letting another woman offer words of comfort to the woman she loved. It was too much, Alex squeezed her fists to try to control the desperation that she felt in order not to give in to hearts desire to run to Olivia's side.

"I can be patient, I must be" Alex kept repeating as she tried to listen to what was going on just on the other side of the door

Casey came back with the nurse "Detective Benson, how are you feeling?" The nurse asked coming near with a glass full of ice chips.

"Thirsty, I'm thirsty"

"Let me give you a couple of ice chips, you can't drink water just yet."

The nurse put some chips in Olivia's mouth so they could dissolve slowly.

"Thank you." She looked at her gratefully.

The nurse smiled and after checking that everything was in order she left.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Casey smile with tears in her eyes.

"As if someone had shot me at close range" She tried to jest in a scratchy voice.

"Well that's exactly what happened silly. Oh Liv, you had us all on edge. We thought we were going to lose you." Casey's eyes once again filled with tears and she took Liv's hand again.

"I'm too stubborn for that." She smiled weakly.

"I know. Elliot will be happy when I tell him that you're awake."

Olivia nodded "Hmm, I think I'm gonna fall asleep again. Thanks for coming Casey."

"That's what friends are for Liv, ok I'll be going now so that you can rest, I'll come by early tomorrow before heading in to work." She moved closer and kissed her forehead. "I'm glad that you're back with us Liv."

Once she was alone, Olivia could no longer contain the tears of disappointment that escaped unable to do anything to stop them. She was tired of feeling this way, tired of missing her, tired of those endless days knowing that no matter how much time passed, Alex wasn't there nor would she be at her side again for who knew how long. "Now that you were at deaths door, you even imagine that you heard her voice calling you, begging you not to leave her. She doesn't even know that you got shot, be realistic Benson, she's not here and she never was" she though to herself with growing resentment. She had told Casey that the was tired, not that it was a lie but the truth was that she wanted to be alone, she didn't want to cry in front of the ADA and have to answer questions that she didn't want to answer. Casey had been a good friend once she had managed to get over the obstacles that Alex's "death" had caused in her heart, but at that moment it wasn't Casey who she needed. A wave of pain made her groan involuntarily, the shock of realizing that it Alex wasn't there after all had distracted her enough that she could push the physical pain away and be replaced by a different overwhelming pain. The pain in her heart had been enough to make her temporarily forget the pain that her injuries caused, but now, alone, she could feel it return in agonizing waves. "Fuck, Benson you are so stupid for getting shot". She scolded herself.

Alex waited impatiently for five minutes before leaving the bathroom to make sure that Casey had definitely left. As soon as she could she rapidly emerged from the bathroom to Liv's side.

"Liv" She heard Alex's voice calling but she refused to open her eyes, it was just a dream, she couldn't stand it, no more. "Liv" Alex's voice repeated.

"You are a hallucination." Olivia said in a tormented whisper.

"Liv" whispered Alex, stroking her face, "Liv, open your eyes for me Liv. Please."

Could she dare believe that it was true and not just a product of the strong medication that had her all doped up? Olivia could feel Alex's hands on her face and in fear slowly opened her eyes, afraid that after all it was only a dream. Her eyes opened slowly and there in front of her were the most beautiful blue eyes that she had ever seen. The face of an angel, Alex…

"Hi," Alex said between tears and laughter. "I've missed you so much."

"Alex it's you, really you?" Liv's chocolate eyes shown with life and disbelief, filling immediately with tears of happiness.

Alex caressed her face, a smile of happiness painted on her face. "Of course it's me Liv."

And without being able to hold back any longer and without caring she gave her a soft kiss on the lips, that was only a brush but enough to make her presence feel more tangible.

"I love you Liv." Alex murmured against Olivia's mouth, whom with her free hand caressed the attorney's hair and looked into her eyes.

"I love you too Alex, so much, but how?" She asked still not believing that her Alex was there, really there with her.

"Elliot, I'm not sure how he managed but he got Hammond to bring me back to your side." She pulled away slightly but not too much, just enough so that she could look into Olivia's eyes.

"Hammond, Alex, but Velez." Her eyes opened wide and she almost sat up wincing as pain shot through her damaged body. "Alex, but you…"

"Liv" She quickly placed her hand on her shoulder to prevent her from sitting up. "Nothing matters to me if you aren't here with me. **NOTHING**" Her eyes once again filled with tears when she recalled how she felt when Hammond told her the real reason for her presence. "Do you know how I felt when he told me what had happened? I felt that I would die thinking I would get here to late. You know that you are my life. Do you know that Olivia Benson? Without you life doesn't matter anymore. My life is nothing without you, please forgive me for having left you, and forgive me for not being at your side."

"No, no Alex, don't cry, please don't cry." Olivia begged. "I love you Alex, and if that means you have to be far away to keep you alive then I…"

"Liv, my life isn't a life without you at my side. I'm not going back to _WitSec_, I am never going to leave your side ever again. Look what happened, I almost lost you." She exclaimed vehemently.

"Then I'll resign." Olivia declared seriously.

"What!" Alex pulled back in surprise. Olivia couldn't mean that…

"Yes, Alex, resign from SVU, being a detective, or whatever, but I don't want to be far from you either. I'm only living half a life without you. I'm lost when I'm not at your side. But your life is in danger and if to have you I have to leave everything behind so be it. You are the only important thing." The detective said with conviction.

"Liv you don't…" Olivia shook her head cutting off anything else that Alex might say.

"Alex, you are my life, I was dying without you." There was certain desperation in her words. She was very serious.

Alex pressed her lips together; she knew it was the truth, because she felt the same way.

"We'll talk later, rest now, I'll be here."

Olivia moved slightly and made a grimace of pain.

"Damn, that hurts." She groaned and paled slightly.

Alex pushed the button for the morphine drip and watched as it took affect.

"Sleep, I'll be here when you wake up. She gave brushed her lips softly against Liv's.

" 'love you 'Lex." Liv whispered feeling her eyelids closing. For the first time in almost two years she could finally close her eyes knowing that Alex would be there when she awoke.

"I love you Liv, always." Alex declared and it was the last thing that Liv heard as she fall asleep. Alex was there, with her, finally.

**TBC**

**Don't forget to review, please.**


	22. Chapter 15 Revelations Part III

**AN: **Happy Thanksgiving to all of you living in the USA or americans around the globe that celebrate this day. And for those that don't... well It's almost the weekend. Isn't that great? Once again thank you for reading my stories and writing reviews, it really means a lot to my muse. I'm not sure if I will be able to publish another chapter before the end of the year but I will try, and if I do it will be big. This chapter is unbetaed so read at your own risk and excuse weird typos and grammar.

V

**Don't forget to review!**

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**Chapter 15.3 Revelations**

Alex felt as if she had no strength, she barely managed to sit down next to Olivia's bed. Suddenly all the anguish, desolation and fear abandoned her body leaving her weak. the long hours of waiting uncertainly of eating only enough to keep going had taken their toll. It was as if her own body had finally realized that it could stop being on guard all the time and the adrenaline that had kept her on the edge while Olivia was in danger has simply exhausted itself. Without removing her eyes from the peaceful face of the sleeping detective, Alex texted Elliot with shaky fingers; she didn't think she had the strength to hold a coherent conversation with Stabler. She could pretty much assure that as soon as the news that Olivia could start receiving visitors Cragen and even Branch and perhaps several others would soon be dropping by to see Olivia This meant that she would have to stay away or hidden at the hospital with all those people coming and going from the detective's room.

She spoke with her mother to tell her the good news, once she was done with the call she closed her eyes and leaned on Liv's bed never releasing her hand falling asleep almost immediately.

An hour later, Elliot stuck his head into the door, smiling at the picture before him. Alex was sound asleep holding Liv's hand and with her head almost on top of Liv's arm. He stood there for a moment unsure of what to do, the way the attorney was positioned was fairly uncomfortable and if he left her like that she would wake up with a stiff neck and as stiff as a board. He was about to move her when he felt Liv's eyes on him.

"Hey." He smiled at her when he saw that she was awake. "Welcome back. Didn't anybody teach you how to duck bullets at the academy?"

"Uh, I think I flunked that class. "Evading Point Blank Shots 101." Liv smiled. "What happened to the perp?"

"Dead." Elliot's jaw tightened and his eyes turned cold. "I shot him although it was too late."

Olivia could see that Elliot felt guilty about her situation and with a comforting smile; she made it clear that wasn't so. "El it wasn't your fault, I should have not assumed that he wasn't there any longer, and frankly I should never have gone in without the Kevlar vest, that was my error.

"Liv, it happens to everyone, we assumed the perp wasn't there, but I should have never let you go in alone to look for evidence."

A movement off to her left caught her attention. When she saw Alex, slowly waking up an immense smile appeared on her face and she turned to look at El. "Thanks for bringing her, but you and I will have to talk." She declared with a raised brow.

Elliot reddened slightly, he knew what Liv was thinking, but she didn't know, or did she? She couldn't know that she almost died two or three times and that Alex wouldn't have withstood not knowing or being there with her. "I know."

Alex slowly awoke and she smiled at Elliot when she saw him.

"Elliot I'm glad that it was you and not Munch that caught me sleeping." She said with a grin.

"Hey, he and Fin are on surveillance looking for a perp." He didn't give any more details, for the moment it wasn't wise to tell them that the perp was none other than the one that had shot her. The situation was still tenuous, they had clues but no firm evidence that would lead them to an arrest and that had them all on their toes.

"I see. Speaking of them, I suppose they'll be coming to visit Liv as soon as they can?" Alex commented without letting the detective's hand go who squeezed back warmly as if she knew that the attorney needed her comfort. "I suppose they'll also be a ton of people visiting, right?" She looked over at Elliot questioningly.

"Uh, well." Elliot brought his hand up to his neck and nodded. "Yeah probably a soon as visiting hours start several will come by that aren't aware of your situation, it could be dangerous if they see you."

Alex nodded. "I can be elsewhere during the visiting hours. I don't think it would be prudent to hide behind the curtain because someone could always take a look out of curiosity or ask themselves why there are things on the other bed if there isn't another patient to visit." She reasoned.

"But where will you hide Alex?" Liv asked fearfully. Just the very idea of losing Alex from her sight terrorized her, even though she knew that in her state she couldn't do anything to make a difference. In addition, the idea of not having her next to her and knowing that everything was fine frightened her tremendously just to imagine what could happen.

"Exactly what I was thinking" Elliot interrupted. "How are we going to keep your presence a secret if we can' get you out of here every so often?"

"Leave?" Repeated Alex shaking her head negatively. "No, I'm not leaving Olivia's side for a second." She denied adamantly.

"Alex, please, the very idea of knowing that you are still in danger freezes my blood, if someone discovers that you are really alive…God. I don't even want to think about it." Liv trembled slightly.

Alex turned to Liv and gave her a week smile. "Liv, I don't want to leave your side, it scares me that something will happen, a complication or something. You have no idea what I went through thinking you…" Her voice broke when she recalled the tearing anguish that had her in its grip during the trip back from Wisconsin. Alex closed her eyes to try to contain the tears that threatened to spill from them.

"Alex," Liv's voice said tenderly, "Look at me." Liv begged gently, "I'm not going anywhere, I'm fine now." At Alex's glare to the "Fine," she quickly corrected. "Ok, so I'm not 100% but I'm much better and now I have even more reason right here to recover as quickly as possible, but the idea that you are in danger, that makes me sick.

Elliot remained silent trying to give them a bit of privacy as they thought about a solution to the dilemma that they found themselves in. They couldn't continue maintaining Alex's presence a secret if people were going to want to visit Liv and they accidentally ran into her. After all Alex had been well known in the legal circles as well as the Manhattan PD, especially after the supposed shooting, so the possibility of someone recognizing her was high. However…and idea had begun to dorm in his mind.

"We need to disguise you." Elliot declared suddenly causing the two women that had almost forgotten he was there to turn curiously towards him.

"Disguise myself?" Alex asked doubtfully. "What do you suggest Stabler?"

"El?" Liv insisted, she knew her partner well enough not to know that he had something in mind.

"Hide you in plain sight, you would have to get a wig, maybe Brown or red, whatever you want, and a different pair of glasses, probably some colored contacts and you would also have to use loose clothing because you'd be wearing a Kevlar vest for when you come in and out of the hospital.

"What!" Liv exclaimed. "No, no absolutely not. Why does she need to go in and out? That's too dangerous."

"Yes and no, if Alex comes and goes as Alex, but if she is disguised no one should recognize her. Alex would be able to leave the hospital, hide somewhere else during the visiting hours, and spend some time outside of the hospital. She hasn't left the hospital in over a week Liv."

"She'll have an escort?" It was more a statement than a question.

"No, that would draw attention Liv, Alex," he addressed both of them. "No one knows that you are alive, no one knows you are here except for us." Meaning the rest of the team. "If we disguise you no one will know, besides Alex won't be coming in to see you while someone is with you."

"And how would she know that?" Olivia continued unconvinced that what Elliot was suggesting was the smartest thing to do.

"I brought Alex a disposable cell so she could communicate with us. I could bring you one and that way you can keep in touch with her too."

"I'm not sure El, anything could happen… Liv began to say but a slight squeeze of the hand that Alex held stopped her and she looked over at Alex. "Yes?"

"I don't think it's a bad idea, El is right that no one knows I'm here and if I disguise myself no one will recognize me. Besides, I wouldn't go far, to the park or one of the local coffee shops. My mother brought me a laptop and some books I could easily pass off as someone visiting someone else." Alex said logically.

"But…" Liv protested. "If someone does, you be in problems Alex and I wouldn't be able to stop thinking that you are out there alone without protection."

"Liv, she'll be disguised and maintaining a low profile, moving from place to place every so often so that no one notices anything odd or that will call attention to herself so no one will know. It's more dangerous for her to stay inside of the hospital when police and attorneys, etc. are filing in and out who might recognize her."

Olivia looked directly into Alex's eyes for several minutes, as if searching for the slightest hint of doubt or fear in the eyes of the woman she loved. She then turned to Elliot who stared at her with the equal confidence.

"Ok." She accepted reluctantly. "I'm not totally convinced that it's the best thing to do but Alex is right that she'd be in more danger of being discovered at the hospital than it would be if she were disguised."

"Ok, I'm gonna go get the stuff, and tomorrow first thing in the morning I'll be here so you can get ready. I'm sure several people will come tomorrow so we have to be ready." Alex agreed and Liv with a reluctant smile agreed too. "Ok I'll be on my way for tonight. Liv take things easy." He knew the phobia his partner had of hospitals.

"Don't worry El; I'll take care of things." Alex offered and Liv agreed but frowned at Stabler in silence at his look of amusement.

Once they were alone Alex took Liv's free hand and squeezed. "How are you feeling?"

"Hmm, right now I'm in a bit of pain but I didn't want to squeeze the button thingy." She indicated the morphine drip. "Because then I'll get sleepy but I guess I can do it now."

"Ok, you need to rest and so do I. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, like El said, there will be a long line of people visiting and I have to be out of here early."

"I know." Olivia's eyes kept closing. "I'm not scared anymore." She whispered.

"Scared?" Alex asked stroking her face.

"To close my eyes."

"Oh." Alex leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "Rest, I'll be right here."

"I know."

The morphine hit Olivia almost immediately, allowing her to fall asleep as soon as she closed her eyes. Alex watched her sleep for a long time, watching the fall and rise of Liv's chest.

"I'm not afraid to close my eyes either Liv." She whispered. "I love you." She leaned over one more time and lightly brushed her lips with a kiss. With a smile, she stroked her hair and sighed. Olivia was fine and that was enough for the moment.

******

Somewhere far from there, a phone rang and a man's voice answered brusquely.

"Is it done?"

"Yes, Mr. Velez, the Montoya's and Brevet have been eliminated." An Irish accented voice responded.

"Fine, we'll be in touch."

"Yes, Mr. Velez." And the phone disconnected.

Velez got to his feet and lit a cigar.

"Benitez."

"Sir?" A voice answered from the shadows.

"Get things ready, I have to go to New York, those Mexicans are invading my territory and they need to be reminded of the rules."

"Right away sir."

"Velez looked out the window and a cruel smile appeared on his lips, it was time to show the Golf Cartel that there was nothing for them in New York. Satisfied with himself he took a puff of the cigar and left the office still smiling, the idea of showing off his powers was something that really made him happy.

"Leticia." He entered his bedroom. "Pack my bags we are going to New York."

The dark skinned woman lying on the bed got to her feet. "New York? Are you sure Cesar?"

"It's time."

**Please review :)**


	23. Chapter 16 Unexpected Part I

AN: Well before anything else, please accept my deepest apologies for taking so long to update this new chapter. By the way this is only the first part of Chapter 16. I hope you like y and will continue with me. It has been a few difficults months when it comes to writing and RL.

This is unbetaed, sorry.

V

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**Please, Review!**

**Chapter 16.1 Unexpected**

Olivia Benson was not a woman that believed in miracles, in truth she had learned not to believe in them. She knew it wouldn't do any good for her to close her eyes in order to get away from the horrors that she saw on a day to day basis. She knew that when she opened them what she would have wished would be a dream. That absolute truth could not be denied. That the wishes did not come true just because you were stubbornly hoping and that to be prepared for the disillusion was the best way to survive.

What life had not shown her was that dreams could come true and that hope could be stubborn and even useless in most cases. However, it was the only thing that was left, the only thing that could survive when there was nothing else to hang on to. She knew it and with that knowledge Olivia refused to close her eyes, because even after all the proof and facts and even after having felt the lips against hers, to have lost herself in her eyes, wiping the tears away and caressing her face, a part of her still could not believe that Alex, her Alex was at her side. It was too good to believe and at the same time frightening.

The painkillers made her sleepy, she felt disoriented most of the time but Olivia refused to let sleep overtake her, fighting it off with every ounce of her being not to succumb to the stupor that was turning her eyelids into heavy weights. The terror of waking up and not seeing Alex froze her being therefore causing Olivia to follow the ADA's every move, but trying at the same time to be discreet. She tried every way she could to keep Alex from realizing that she was not resting the way she should considering her condition, she could no longer keep her eyes open because of the sedatives. But still she fought it off because she feared that after all Alex presence had only been a dream.

"Liv." Alex smiled indulgently as she felt Olivia's eyes on her and seeing the charade of her failing attempts to close her eyes against her exhaustion. "I'm not going anywhere, rest, please." She squeezed her hand softly as she raised her eyes from the book she was reading. "I'll be here when you open your eyes, I promise."

"I'm not sleepy." She replied with a defiant pout.

Alex got up from her chair next to Olivia's bed, moved closer, and kissed her forehead. "Liv do you love me?"

"Yes." She declared fervently. "With all my heart, you know that."

"Then please rest. I need you Olivia, I need you so much. You are my life Liv. I'm afraid of losing you. I know"..." she paused " I know how much you hate being in the hospital and being confined to a bed but they shot at you at close range. I almost lost you Liv, please, Rest."

Olivia got lost in the deep blue eyes of the woman she loved, Alex was the other half of her soul, her heart and for her she would do whatever it took. Knowing she had been defeated she sighed deeply and agreed.

"Ok, only because you ask me in such a nice way, because I am not at all sleepy." She added petulantly. Alex only smiled tenderly at her.

"Thank you Liv, it's for the best. I hate being in this place just as much as you do." She stretched out her hand to push away some hair that was in her face.

Olivia managed to hold back a yawn and took advantage of the fact that Alex was on the side that had no IV's to take the blonde's arm and pull her towards herself.

"I love you Alex." She said softly. "Thank you for being here."

"No, thank you Olivia…" Her eyes filled with tears but she refused to let them spill, she had already cried a sea and she didn't want to make the detective feel bad "…for staying with me."

Liv pulled a bit more causing Alex to lean over her until their lips met in a tender but passionate kiss.

Soon Olivia was sleeping peacefully and Alex read tranquilly sitting by the side of the bed; a soft knock at the door and John Munch's grey head appeared as she raised her sight slowly.

"Hey John" She greeted with a smile as she recognized the veteran detective.

"Cabot, I heard the good news. How is she?"

"Fine, recovering. She's sleeping now, the doctors are very happy with the recovery she's shown these past few days. They gave her a CT scan today and did some other studies and so far everything looks good."

"I'm glad to hear it." Munch smiled in relief, he headed for the chair that was to one side of the door. "So tell me Cabot, is it true that they make you change your blood type so your DNA changes?"

For a moment Alex was left speechless before she could react. "WHAT!" She mouthed in surprise trying not to wake Olivia.

"Well, there's a rumor that the Fed's theoretically give their witnesses a complete blood transfusion in order to…"

"That's ridiculous." Alex cut him off before he could continue with his harebrained conspiracy theories. "The only sacred rule in the WPP is to "learn and forget;" To learn your new identity and forget your old life for your own good. At least that's what they say. It's the only way to survive the WPP."

Munch looked at her inquisitively, nodded his head slightly and asked. "And you…what did you do?"

"When the only reason to feel alive is never to forget what you left behind, to believe with every fiber of your being that someone out there is waiting for you to return no matter how much time passes, they can all stick their rules where the sun doesn't shine." She declared venomously in a voice that Munch could almost swear caused the temperature in the room to lower several degrees.

"I see." Munch paused as if searching for the proper words before speaking. "Are you going back into the program now that she's made a turn for the better?"

"No." She declared firmly. "I'm not going anywhere without her." Now that the whole team knew the truth about their relationship between Olivia and herself she didn't see any reason to keep pretending nothing was going on. She was no longer the SVU ADA, at that moment she was just a woman in love with the person they considered like a little sister. There was no reason to hide her real feelings behind the "Ice Princess" façade that everyone knew. She hadn't been that woman in almost two years and she wasn't sure that she remembered how to be her again.

"Even if that decision puts your life in danger?"

"Munch, please, stop beating around the bush and say what you really mean, period." Alex spat out exasperated. "I consider you a friend, so please just say it."

"Forgive me Alex but its just healthy curiosity. I didn't know the full extent of your relationship with Olivia. But I do know what your "death" caused her. When you were in Olivia's life she was a force to be reckoned with, full of energy and hungry for justice. When you disappeared from her life, she was like she was lost. Olivia was just an empty shell. It took a lot of self control to continue." He tried to explain. "We care for her, we worry about her…if you leave her again…" He left the phrase hanging. It wasn't necessary; Alex understood the message loud and clear.

"No I…" She paused, the words stuck in her throat. "Never again John, I won't ever leave her again. I promise you that."

Munch nodded and got to his feet. "Fine, I'm glad to know she's better. I'll come by tomorrow."

"I don't think I'll be here when that happens but I know it will make her happy to talk to you. I know she misses you all and wishes she could be back at the precinct."

"Goodnight Alex, I'll see you around. Take care of yourself for her and be careful. She wouldn't survive if she lost you again."

Once more Munch left the room and Alex breathed heavily and ran a hand through her blond hair then turned back to the still sleeping detective.

"That's the third lecture of "If you hurt her one more time…," that I get this week." She murmured between her teeth.

"They don't know that we had two years together before you got sent to Witsec." Olivia's sleepy voice caused her to jump.

"For Christ sake Liv! Your supposed to be asleep!" she jumped in surprise.

"I was, well dozing more than anything else when I heard the door," She shrugged slightly, in reality she couldn't do much without feeling her abdomen tighten in pain. "But I knew if it looked like I was waking up he would stick around, besides it looked like a private conversation. I got the same lecture from your mother three years ago. They are my only family really, they don't mean to be "pains" or unreasonable with you, just…"

"I know Liv." Alex interrupted her. "It's actually kinda sweet to see those hardened detectives acting like big brothers. They love you Liv. I think they suspected or they knew about us more than what we imagined."

"They didn't really know, true they may have suspected but your "Lazarus" like rebirth only confirmed it."

"I couldn't do anything else Liv." Her eyes turned serious, "I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if…" She couldn't continue, just the thought froze her heart, knowing she would have nightmares for the coming months just because of it.

Olivia squeezed her hand in an effort to comfort her, she knew it would take both of them some time to recover from this "near death" experience. In fact Olivia knew that before she could return to work she would have to go to therapy before they would consider her able to return to work from her injury. "I know Alex, I know." Olivia knew it, knew perfectly that it was Alex's presence that had kept her alive, She didn't know exactly how, but she knew, "For that I'll always be grateful. I love you." Her eyes slowly closed no longer able to fight off the drugs, but never the less slipping away with a smile on her face.

"Sleep tight, Liv." Alex kissed her forehead and moved back to her side of the semi private suite. In just a matter of hours they were expecting several people to visitors as soon as they found out that Benson was conscious. Besides Novak would probably be one of the first to arrive. She always got there just a few minutes before visiting hours, which was probably due to her busy schedule. Or at least that's what she told herself. She decided to go get something for dinner, not that she had much of an appetite but it was the perfect excuse to leave the room and stretch her legs. Normally her mother would take her something to eat but tonight Caroline had a previous engagement. She was supposed to attend a benefit dinner to help construct a new wing for the New York Presbyterian Children's Hospital, so she wouldn't be seeing her until the next day.

To see her mother now that Olivia was awake was something that she feared despite the fact that her mother had let her know that she accepted her relationship with Olivia. She also knew that her mother was still upset about not revealing the truth about her supposed death, something that only Olivia and Elliot had known. Caroline could certainly understand the need for only them to know about it at first but what she couldn't accept or understand was that Olivia never made her privy to the secret as time went on and the supposed danger had passed. That was so upsetting to her mother and with good reason too. But being realistic her mother could have survived the grief of knowing her only daughter was dead, however, Olivia would still blame herself and that was something that Alex would not allow.

She loved her too much to let her suffer thinking she was dead and perhaps she was to selfish because she refused to lose her putting her life at risk by making her an accessory to her secret. However, she knew that there was no other way. Olivia was like the air she breathed and she knew she was not alone in her feelings. Perhaps it wasn't fair but she didn't owe anyone explanations.

Love shouldn't need explanations.

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**Don't forget to review, if you don't my muse is going on strike and believe when I said we don't want that!**

**TBC**


	24. Chapter 16 Unexpected Part II

**Author's note: **

I'm sorry for having taken so long to submit the next part of IICME Real life has unfortunately gotten rather complicated I moved again, same job another state,etc, and I have been in an odd mood. But here it is finally. Even though it may seem as if I am not working on IICME I assure you that I am.

Thank you for being patient and for reading my work. This is unbetead

**Please review!**

**Chapter 16 Part II Unexpected**

When Elliot Stabler opened the bags that John Munch gave him just past 11 p.m. he knew that a man should never do shopping for a woman unless he was gay or a transvestite. His eyes opened as wide as saucers and his eyebrows went up so far that they almost wound up at his hairline. He let out a whistle that was more one of terror than admiration.

"Without a doubt she is gonna kill me." He said between his teeth. "Of course…" he looked closely at the clothing and as his eyes went over them they shown wickedly and a devilish smile formed on his lips, "Oh yeah, she's definitely gonna kill me."

Whistling under his breath he put the things back in the bag they had come in along with a pair of sandals. "Sandals? How did John manage to guess her shoe size?" Stabler asked himself. Once he made sure that everything was in order and back in the duffel bag, Elliot took it to his car where he put it in the trunk ready to deliver it the next day.

"Are you crazy Elliot?" Olivia practically yelled when she saw the clothes that Stabler pulled out of the bag.

"What's the problem?" Alex asked upset by Olivia's reaction as she looked from Liv then back at Elliot.

"Elliot wants to dress you like a damn hippie."

"Hippie?" Alex turned towards Elliot looking at him curiously.

"Well, it is a disguise as good as any other. I can't exactly disguise you as a corporate shark like so many others that proliferate around Manhattan that would be the equivalent of putting a fluorescent target on your forehead. Everyone would recognize you since power suits were your normal style whereas the laid back bohemian style is the furthest thing to the real Alex Cabot.

"More like a woman living in the wrong era." Alex commented when she looked at the clothing more closely.

"That's exactly what I said." Olivia grumbled with a smug expression.

"It's great Elliot, no one will recognize me in this get up, you even brought sandals, bandana and bracelets." Alex exclaimed looking pleased with Stabler's selection.

Elliot and Olivia exchanged surprised glances at the same time that their jaws dropped to the floor. Was it possible that Alex was excited about the idea of dressing so simply? When Alex noticed Olivia and Elliot's surprised expressions she laughed heartily amused.

"That rebellious era always had me curious." She scrunched her nose playfully, an expression that was well known to Olivia but not really known to Elliot. "One of my favorite aunts was a Flower Child, she was the black sheep of the family of course. She died from cancer when I was just a teen. My mother never allowed me to wear anything she left me, even though she knew I really liked some of her things." She explained.

"Oh." Was the only thing that Elliot managed to say.

Olivia however smiled at Alex's child like reaction, one that the detective adored and that Elliot obviously was not familiar with therefore taking him by surprise. He didn't know the real Alex, only her professional façade, the reserved, cold and calculating ADA, not the real woman. "You never mentioned her." Olivia commented curiously.

"Well I was only a 13 year old adolescent and I never really saw her. Like I said she was the black sheep and Grandfather Cabot was outraged by the way my father would allow my aunt Deirdre to visit. She was his favorite sister and since she was a free spirit always traveling around the world, when she came to visit it was the least he could do since he was the only one that still spoke with her. Not only was she a hippie but a lesbian." She said with a playful smile.

"Oh I see." Olivia nodded in understanding.

Elliot understood as well but didn't say anything, sometimes it was just too much information for him. Even though Olivia was his best friend and work partner their personal lives was something he would rather keep to a minimum. They spent so much time together that keeping their lives private was the sanest thing for both of them, so he opted for a don't tell don't know option.

"I'll be right back, I'm gonna get some coffee." Stabler announced.

"Yes! Krispy Kreme's." She said with child like enthusiasm.

"Not a chance, I'll be back." He left closing the door behind him, leaving them alone.

"I think you scared him." Olivia said smiling.

"You think?" Alex answered amused as she continued to look through the bag of clothes Elliot had brought her.

Olivia wished she could have been able to laugh when she saw Elliot's horrified face just before he left. "You didn't see his face, he almost feinted at the thought that you might castrate him because the disguise wouldn't be to your liking and instead you totally surprised him when you approved."

"Well, it's comforting to know that I still haven't lost my "touch" don't you think?" She winked and smiled playfully.

"That's a fact Alex."

Alex disappeared into the bathroom to change clothes as a precaution in case someone came in unannounced.

"Watch the door Liv." Alex said.

"Sure."

Ten minutes later Olivia let out a whistle of admiration when Alex emerged from the bathroom completely transformed.

"Do you like it?" Alex turned in a circle so that the detective could admire the ensemble better.

"Wow, I can't believe it, it really suits you. You look like a real beatnik. I don't think even I would recognize you if I saw you in the street dressed like that."

"So, you think I pass the test then?" Alex beamed.

"I'm 100% positive, wait until Elliot sees you, you'll leave him stunned, although you need to change your voice a bit, especially if you run into someone that used to know you. Your voice is very unique Alex." Olivia grinned playfully.

"Oh really?" Alex lowered her tone of voice until it was soft and sexy, which only caused Olivia to shiver.

"No," She growled, "not like that. That tone of voice is only for me, I'm an only child and I don't like to share."

"I'm yours?" Alex arched her brow in disapproval but the bright look in her eyes belied her intent.

"Yes." Olivia declared without taking her eyes off of her. "Just like I'm yours."

"Ok, ok." Alex grinned. "Besides I'm out of practice."

"Christ, I hope not for long." Olivia smiled seductively as Alex covered the short distance that separated them to kiss Olivia softly while at the same time trying to control her desire to capture hr mouth passionately and let herself go, something only Olivia could do to her.

When they finally drew apart, Olivia had a goofy smile on her face. "Just what the doctor ordered for a speedy recovery."

"Oh really?" Alex laughed at Olivia's desperate attempt to prolong the kiss.

"Yep, I only need my daily dose of Alex Cabot to make me feel better." Olivia gave her trademark lopsided grin.

"Oh I'm glad to hear it. I'll make sure that you have the correct dose then."

"Please do." Olivia batted her eyes seductively.

After the mushy display, they smiled in amusement at each other then Alex gave her another quick kiss just before Elliot appeared with the coffee.

"I'm back." Elliot announced. "I brought some…" He paused abruptly when he saw Alex or at least whom he assumed was Alex. "Wow." He muttered.

Alex smiled and took the cup that he was holding out. A few moments later she looked at him in surprise.

"Thanks for the coffee El, how did you know I liked Cappuccino macchiato?" She asked intrigued.

"Well I know because when Olivia and I had a call that required us to be out overnight when we returned to the office she would always stop at the corner café and would always ask for one. One day when I picked up the wrong cup by mistake I found out what it was and when she finally confided in me about you two I knew who the coffee was for. I know she doesn't like sweetened coffee."

"Oh." Alex reddened slightly. Who would have thought that her taste for sweetened coffee would be a clue to Stabler that something was going on between her and Liv.

At Alex's flabbergasted expression Elliot limited himself to wiggling his eyebrows, looking rather smug and acting as if he were too good for his britches as Alex in the meantime asked herself where the usual impassive persona that he usually wore as a second skin had gone to? Had it been when she had been forced to take on another persona, that she had forgotten how to be Alex?

After thinking about it for a moment, Alex realized she no longer had to protect herself or try to pretend she was amongst friends and smiled, aside from Olivia who she trusted blindly, Elliot was a close second, because she knew how much Elliot thought of Olivia and therefore she was included as part of the package.

Olivia only observed them through semi closed eyes as she listened to them discuss the precautions that Alex needed to take. She felt her eyelids grow heavy but she refused to give in to the sleepiness, observing Alex dressed in those ridiculous clothes but who at the same time looked quite comfortable and natural. Because they didn't know Alex outside of her professional shell, they didn't know the real Alex, the one that was happy, playful and a prankster, the Alex that she knew so well. The thoughts of the not so distant future with the attorney had her side were much happier.

Elliot and Alex spoke in low voices, as Stabler reminded her that several police and personnel from the DA's office would be visiting Olivia which meant that it was very important for Alex to maintain her distance from the hospital during visiting hours for her own protection. Benson was a well known and admired detective and would no doubt get a lot of visitors during the first few days.

Once the details were finalized, Elliot got to his feet and left the room for a moment so they could have some privacy although Olivia looked as if she were asleep.

"Liv? Liv?" Alex called softly.

"Hmm, I'm awake." She answered in a raspy voice.

"I have to go now. It'll be visiting hours in about half an hour."

"Ok, please just be very careful." She opened her eyes and smiled at Alex. "I love you."

"I love you Liv," She leaned over to place a soft kiss on her lips.

Elliot chose that moment to return, just as Alex was straightening up and indicating with a nod of her head that she was ready.

"El, take care of her." She looked at him intently, silently begging him to take care of the love of her life.

"Don't worry; no one will know that she is here." Alive, was what he didn't say but that was evident in exchanged glances the partners gave each other.

Just as they were about to leave Olivia called them back "Alex, my keys so you can go to the apartment and rest or something. Where are my things?" She looked around as if she were lost and couldn't remember where her things had gone, forgetting that in reality she wasn't really aware of when it had happened.

"Liv," Alex soothed, "Your things are in the suitcase that I have on my side of the room, that they gave me when you were transferred here. Did you want me to bring you something specific from your apartment? She asked courteously.

"No, I just want to you be comfortable and to have a place to rest. You'll have to be out almost all day and you can't be roaming the streets all that time." Olivia frowned in pain, when she tried to move more than she should have.

Alex moved closer to Liv and caressed her face as Elliot looked elsewhere, seemingly interested in the rooms décor when Alex bent over to kiss her goodbye. A smile appeared on her face when she heard her partner's whisper, just loud enough so that Alex could hear but not enough to embarrass her in front of Elliot. "You, I want only you save and sound and with me." Alex just smiled and looked into her eyes for a second before waving goodbye.

Elliot let Alex go out first and with a gesture he let Olivia know that he would be back later. With a slight nod Olivia agreed and closed her eyes, knowing that in a short while someone would take care of waking her up.

Alex and Elliot decided to go down the stairs so they would avoid bumping into anyone that might recognize Alex just as a precaution.

"I won't be able to walk you out because that would be too obvious. I need you to go out the front and turn right and walk a couple of blocks and stop in front of the Café, then take the taxi that will be waiting for you. It belongs to a friend and its number 22537. He'll take you where ever you want."

"Thanks Elliot, we'll be in touch."

She and Elliot left the building almost at the same time, but while Alex disappeared down the street Elliot's cell rang.

"Stabler."

"We have a lead on Connors, we'll see you at the fuel depot over in Gowans on the canal, it's a hot lead." Captain Cragen announced without preamble.

"I'm on my way." A frown appeared on his face and the worry lines deepened. How the hell was he going to tell Liv that while Alex was out on the streets unprotected, the crazy assassin that had been hired to kill her was loose in New York and had been linked to several new homicides. "What a fucking mess!" He swore under his breath as he ran for his car. The sooner they caught Liam Connors the better.

Olivia was feeling restless, even with her eyes closed she tapped her fingers on the bed just as Casey Novak stuck her head in the door and said hello, startling her.

"Hello Olivia, how are you feeling today?" Casey greeted happily.

"Hey Casey, how are you?"

"Haha, I asked you first Olivia." Casey arched an eyebrow in amusement.

"I feel fine." Olivia answered with a slight shrug of her shoulder. "I can't move, I can't walk, laugh, go to the bathroom by myself, but otherwise I'm fine." She added sarcastically.

"Side effects Olivia, fortunately you're better and that's what's important, the only thing actually." She said shyly.

"Thanks Case, and how are things going on the outside? Have I missed anything important?"

"Sorry, I can't tell you anything, Captain Cragens' orders." Casey laughed softly at Olivia's grouchy expression. "Benson the only thing that should concern you is to get well. The rest is of no concern to you.

"Come on Case," Olivia tried to convince her.

"I'm sorry Olivia, if I tell you what we are doing now it would only upset you more than being here in the hospital and then you'll only wind up terrorizing the nurses even more."

"I will not! I only want to leave this place." With Alex she added to herself.

"Soon enough Liv, try to remember that the injuries you received were extensive. Don't try to run before you can walk." Her expression softened. "Please Liv."

Olivia sighed and took Casey hand in her's squeezing it gently. "Thanks for being such a good friend."

"No thank you Liv…" Just as she was about to add something else her cell rang and with a gesture she excused herself. "Novak…" Casey's face became serious. "I understand, yes, I'm on my way."

Casey hung up and she turned to Olivia.

"I'm sorry my visit has to be so short, but they need me in the office. It seems stupid Granger is pulling one of his tricks. I'll see you soon Liv, take care, see you later.

She quickly left the room, leaving a very frustrated and bored detective. It was true she felt that way even though it wasn't boredom that was making her feel restless. It wasn't because she was in bed injured that was driving her crazy, but the fact that Alex was out there without her to protect her that was stressing her out.

Such was her worry that if her Captain asked her at that very moment when she wanted to return to work, she would simply say that whenever her doctors gave her the green light to do so. Just like that, and surely that would have given her Captain cardiac arrest because if someone was a workaholic it was her. But now that she had Alex at her side, nothing mattered anymore but to be with her, perhaps later after the stress and the anxiety of thinking that she might lose her once again or that after things had calmed down Olivia might start feeling normal again as far as Alex was concerned, but for the moment all that mattered was to be with her, to not let her out of her sight, not only for her own well being even though that might make her look pathetically dependent, is was something she just couldn't help. Huang would have a field day with that information if she admitted it openly. Not that she would admit it, after all a girl has to have some pride.

Olivia wanted to spend her time recovering with the woman she loved, trying to recover the time they had lost; including maybe going away on a vacation together somewhere far from the Manhattan craziness would be welcome. But where? It didn't matter she only wanted one thing, just one thing and that was to be with Alexandra Cabot. The rest could go to hell. She had suffered more than enough in the name of justice. After Alex had been presumed dead, Olivia had felt as if she were one of the living dead. And if the PTB wanted her to nearly die in the line of duty in order to get Alex back in her life, then so be it. Yes that was selfish of her even though she knew she shouldn't be. Velez was on the lose and she wasn't at 100% capacity yet, but having Alex close to her was the only thing that mattered.

She wanted and needed to know that she would be able to protect Alex with her life if it was necessary, which meant that it would cause a conflict of interest because Alex didn't want Liv to get hurt for any reason. But Olivia could not permit anything else, in other words she was in trouble but of something she was sure of was Alex, and keeping her safe were the only priorities in Olivia's life.

Visitor's kept coming in and out of her room all day long both from SVU as well as people she had worked with and were now in other departments and visitors from the DA's office who were friends. Olivia appreciated all the well wishes but she only wished that visiting hours were over so that she could have Alex by her side once again. It didn't matter that Alex had called from her apartment to let her know she was fine, she still needed to see her to feel her.

Olivia sighed and continued punching the buttons on the TV remote with plenty of force.

"I wouldn't want to be the one to make you mad Detective Benson." A well educated voice came from the doorway. Olivia raised her eyes in surprise. It wasn't someone she expected but then again it wasn't really unexpected since Elizabeth Donnelly was the ADA and Bureau Chief for SVU.

"Donnelly," Olivia answered courteously, "How are you?"

"I think that I should be the one asking you that detective. When Captain Cragen told me about your injuries I asked him to keep me up to date. You're very well liked, Benson." Liz looked into Olivia's eyes indulgently. There was something in the attorney's eyes that made Olivia feel as if there was something strange going on.

"Well, thanks, I got lucky. I'm alive and he isn't." She brushed aside what had happened to her as if she had not almost lost her life.

"Well according to the doctors you should be too Benson."

"It just wasn't my turn yet." She sighed. "They say when your time is up, it's up."

Liz nodded and pulled a chair up to sit next to Olivia who looked at her inquisitively still not sure about the reason for Donnelly's visit. She had come in and just made herself comfortable, it wasn't as if they were great friends, they had never had any kind of social relationship not even when Alex was "alive", which only made her more agitated.

"Arthur won't be long." Donnelly informed her in response to her inquisitive stare.

"The DA?" Olivia said incredulously.

"Yes." She answered suciently.

Just as Olivia was about to ask the reason for the visit, a slight knock on the door made her look up. Liz smiled that Mona Lisa smile that was driving Olivia crazy with worry. What in the hell was she up to?

When she saw the District Attorney, Arthur Branch's bulldog like face, she got even more panicky and she didn't understand why. She felt footsteps on the ceiling so speak and her spidey senses were on high alert and her radar was pinging like crazy. She could certainly understand a social visit from Donnelly but both and at the same time was a sure sign of something going on and she had now idea what it could be.

Donnelly's visit made sense because she was after all the Bureau Chief for SVU, her unit was assigned under her, but what about Branch? She had barely ever had any contact with him if ever. She couldn't think of anything that he would want to talk to her about, unless…just the thought petrified her. Only her training as a detective helped hold back the terror from showing on her face. Her mind began to wonder could Alex Cabot or at least Alex's presence in New York, there with her, when she was supposed to be dead the reason for their presence?

Forgetting for the moment that not everyone knew that Alex had returned, not scratch that, that Alex was alive! Alarm bells began to sound off in her head like the Notre dame Cathedral.

She had only regained consciousness only a short time ago, but it was long enough for her to find out about Alex's arrival. She knew that Hammond had been reluctant to bring Alex but he had not been given an option, she also knew that Hammond…_Damn him…I hope…_

"Detective Benson, I'm glad to see that you are in stable condition." Branch greeted as he came into the room.

"Thank you Sir." She said formally not sure what else to say as she tried to read his expression, but he wasn't the DA for nothing.

"Detective we have a very flimsy situation on our hands."

"Situation?" She croaked, looking over at Liz and Branch in total confusion.

"Do you remember former ADA Alexandra Cabot?"

**TBC**

**Please, please, Don't forget to review, I am worried I will lose my mojo if I don't get help by receiving constructive critisism, which is really important to me. Thanks a lot.**

**V**


	25. Chapter 17 Solitude

**Authors note: **

I am very sorry that I have let almost an entire year pass without posting another chapter. I know I have said it before, but it's true, my muse ran off I don't know where on a long and extended vacation and refused to return. She must have been very happy wherever it was, the little brat. I am currently in deep immersion therapy (watching SVU reruns) so that I can get back my mojo. I hope to finish this story before the end of the year. We sill have six months! Thank you for your continued support if you are still haniging in there.

**Disclaimer see part 1**

**Don't forget to review, please?**

**Chapter 17**

**Solitude**

The echo of her steps on the sidewalk was lost in the cacophony of the daily New York City traffic, the city that never slept. For just a moment she felt disconcerted and out of place, even lost. Acknowledging the feeling was irritating, it had only been a year ago that she had been running at least 4-5 miles in the morning through Central Park with her iPod on without even blinking an eye or even being aware of the traffic noise, much less worried about all the people that walked by her on the sidewalk.

For just a second Alex felt like the deer caught in the cars' headlights in the middle of the road, paralyzed and not knowing how to react. It was in that second of irrational panic that made her square her shoulders imperceptibly and continued walking, she was just a day shy of completing a week back, the truth was that it was her return from Wisconsin to NYC that had left her in a total fog, her mind too worried about Olivia's condition to even notice what was taking place around her.

If she had been asked to recall anything, she would only have remembered a few odd bits and pieces. Aside from walking through the airport hanger to board the private plane that Hammond by some strange scheme had reserved for her. She couldn't even remember having thanked him, actually she couldn't remember much except for how cold and anguished she had felt. She could remember the lancing desperation, like a physical pain when she first laid eyes on Olivia for the first time in more than a year.

Even though she knew Olivia was now out of danger the pain and fear of almost losing her was too great, stronger than when she had first entered WPP, then the hope that someday she would see her again gave her strength to leave, and realizing that the reason for doing so was to keep her alive. However, upon her return she was begging God, one that she didn't even know existed, to please not take Olivia away from her.

"Olivia." She whispered with nostalgic desire, even after only having left her a few short hours ago. Alex was already feeling the acute need to be next to her side, she didn't want to analyze her feelings at that moment, she didn't want to think how weak and dependent she had become, she knew probably was PST, but that didn't matter right now, the only thing that mattered now was Olivia.

Before she knew it, she was in front of the coffee stand that Stabler had told her about. With a pleasant smile she stopped and ordered her coffee. So many mornings she had stared out her window of her suburban colonial house in Wisconsin with a view of the hills as she held a cup of hot decaf coffee and wished she was standing at one of the many coffee stands so famous in New York. She wasn't sure now if she should be grateful to be back in the City. The reasons were totally unfair because not only she hadn´t returned like a hero after having slain the dragon but also because she had returned under the veil of secrecy and under more danger than before. Dangerous because after all, she was supposed to be dead; and her friends and colleagues were putting their pensions at risk both for herself and Olivia.

After paying for her coffee and quickly glancing over she saw the taxi waiting for her as she had been told. She approached the taxi and told the driver to pick her up on the other side of Central Park at the E. 97th St. entrance, without even waiting for his acknowledgment she walked off.

She however had noticed the arched eyebrow when she gave him the instructions. Alex was not about to go into hideout anywhere else. She wanted to be out in the open, to think, to slowly immerse herself in the sounds and feel of the city once again, to recover some of the balance that the last few traumatic days had prevented her from doing so. Not that it wasn't distressing living in a small town in Wisconsin without any friends or lovers, however at that time her only hope was Olivia, the memory of her kept her sane and hopeful. Fearing that she might lose Olivia the last few days had left her drained of whatever calm she had achieved during the months in exile, the resignation born of hope and not from despair.

Once she had given the cab driver the location she began to make her way over to Central Park that was just across 5th Ave. where the hospital was. She walked slowly without any hurry to get anywhere, just enjoying the fact she could stroll through an old and familiar route…

_It wasn't the first or even the last time she would find Olivia sitting on a particular bench watching people go by, what she did find odd was the lost look in the detective's eyes, so much so that she didn't even look over when Alex sat at her side._

_She was about to say something when Olivia's soft voice startled her. She truly had thought that Liv had not been aware of her presence._

"_When I was a kid my mother would bring me to Central Park to feed the ducks. On Saturday's she liked to take me, when the weather permitted, to the children's theater and then she'd take me to get a hot dog and she'd read a book and I would fall asleep on her lap under the shade of a tree._

_Alex remained silent not sure what to say but she did place her hand on Liv's thigh so that she knew that she was listening and to continue… "It's been just under two years that she passed away and sometimes I wonder if she hated me or just hated the reason I was here. If I had been in her place I wouldn't have given myself the chance to live. I know that and that makes her an even better person than I am._

"_Liv…" Alex opened her mouth to say something when Olivia's voice halted her._

"_But I also know that she loved me, she loved me enough that she didn't abandon me when she easily could have. She loved me enough to refuse to give in to anything except her alcoholism. I never wanted for anything, she never stopped working and she never forgot that I existed even though many times I'm sure she wished that I didn't. Even when she yelled at me or ignored me I would see how much it hurt her to feel that way. Alex…" Olivia took the blondes hand and squeezed it gently. "I'm not worth it, not enough for you to make enemies with your mother for me. I beg you…"_

_Alex gasped incredulously and almost doubled over in pain when Liv uttered those words in defeat, almost as if she expected her to tell her she was right. It was at that precise moment that Alex made her decision to pull away from her mother if the decision came down to choosing between her mother and Olivia. _

"_Listen to me and listen to me good Olivia Benson," Alexandra looked directly into the detective's chocolate brown eyes that in that moment reflected the agony that the very idea of losing Alex was causing her, convinced that it was the end. "We can't choose the family we are born into just as we can't choose who we fall in love with. It probably would have been much easier to stay with George, but he is not who my heart chose to be in love with. It's you, and to make it clear, there is no one that I would rather be with." She cradled Liv's face in her hands and without caring who was looking at that moment, there was nothing more important than to reassure Liv that there were no regrets or doubts. "I love you, just you, exclusively you, I don't love anyone else, I would not be able to live without you. Please don't ask me to."_

_Olivia threw herself at Alex and hugged her tightly, letting a painful breath escape her. She took in a lungful of fresh air as if she had been suffocating, filling her lungs until they were ready to burst._

_After the emotional rollercoaster ride, she and Alex walked hand in hand towards Alex's penthouse that was just around the corner. They made love until the early morning hours, reaffirming their love with tender caresses and passionate sighs, oblivious of the storm that was brewing in the days to come._

Alex knew that it wasn't healthy to stop and think of what ifs, but she couldn't help that feeling of regret when she recalled that night. The night she should have taken out the ring she had hidden, thinking to ask Liv to marry her. If they'd only had more time they would have escaped that weekend to Canada to get married as she'd planned.

Just then something caught her attention in the distance, distracting her from her bitter thoughts.

She stayed there for a good while watching the people pass by, enjoying the setting summer sun. With a heavy sigh she got to her feet and started walking towards where the taxi was waiting. If it had been up to her she'd take the subway not far from there to Liv's place, but she knew that Liv wouldn't take long in finding out and she didn't want to cause her unnecessary anguish.

As she walked she took out the disposable cell and sent a text message to Liv.

"_I'm on my way home, I miss you."_

She didn't expect a response however she wasn't surprised when she did. She smiled indulgently at the thought that Liv undoubtedly refused to rest because she was worried about her.

"_And I you, take care of yourself. XOXOXO."_

Feeling slightly better, she didn't wait to find the cabbie who when he saw her pulled up slowly so she could get in. During the ride to the apartment Alex looked around curiously like a little kid on her first trip around the big apple, a smile of happiness and feeling slightly disconcerted at the same time, she wasn't sure if she should be happy or disappointed. Not that it was strange or that she couldn't accept it, but it was unpleasant to find out that life continued even if you felt as if your life had been put on hold. That was perhaps the most maddening for Alexandra Cabot, knowing that in spite of it all she couldn't control everything, no matter how meticulously planned.

It didn't matter that she should be celebrating her First Anniversary with Olivia under the same roof, or that she could have been celebrating the first anniversary of her promotion to Major Cases. Planning is worth nothing when you forget that your life is not dependent on you as much as you try to convince yourself of it. It was true that you are the one that makes the decisions but unfortunately, you are not the only one.

The traffic wasn't too heavy for the time of day, it was still early and the idea of buying something at the Deli that was just down the street from Liv's place was tempting. However, she also remembered that Jamie from the Deli knew her very well and her voice might give her away so she didn't want to tempt fate, not when Liv still needed her so much.

Once more when she was at the entrance to the building she opted to take the stairs but not before checking Olivia's mailbox. With quick and sure steps she climbed the stairs to the 6th floor. Damn she was in good shape, running was the only thing she had in Wisconsin that still belonged to the old Alex and no one could take that away from her.

Old habits die hard, Alex recalled giving the door a slight push to open it and with nimble fingers she removed the security chain from the inside. Liv didn't play around with her safety nor did she play around with Alex's either. Olivia had installed that chain when they had started spending the nights together and she had to go out in the middle of the night when she got called out on cases. Again making her recall what could happen in her line of work. Alex stopped protesting when she saw the look of terror in Liv's eyes just thinking of the possibility of anything happening to Alex. Now she knew that Liv's terror had been prophetic.

Alex opened the door and out of force of habit she took off her coat and was suddenly hit by Liv's familiar scent. A scent that made her feel secure, loved. She turned to hang up the coat and it slid from her hands when she came face to face with her blue blazer, the same one that she had left only two days before leaving the apartment for the last time as Alexandra Cabot. With shaky hands she picked up her coat and hung it up next to the blue jacket. She blinked several times and turned towards the living room, something on the coffee table caught her attention, her reading glasses were still where she always left them, almost as if they were waiting for her to put them on next to the…unbelievably…the book that she had been reading.

She froze in the middle of the hallway. Slowly she ran her eyes over the room, only moments before, she had been damning her bad fortune for feeling out of place in a city that had not stopped for her. Now she was feeling quite the opposite, almost as if time had stood still and everything had frozen in time. Her coffee cup still hung in its customary hook, the chair slightly turned facing the direction she always sat, the book that she was reading next to the coffee table. Hesitantly she headed for the kitchen and opened the cupboards, noting her box of cereal, the creamer, the Lady Earl Gray tea and other things that she liked lined up neatly and ready for her use. She closed her eyes as if she was looking through a slow motion camera, reviewing each section of the apartment.

Everywhere there was something that belonged to her, everything that was part of her life with Liv, that it was a stable and permanent relationship. Her umbrella behind the door, her boots next to it, she continued on to the bedroom and with a bit of fear she glanced into the bathroom. Here lined up perfectly were her French bath products, but what made her fall to her knees in front of the bed was Liv's t-shirt, the one she "stoled" on top of the bed, the one that she liked to wear to bed. A bit rumpled and laying on top of the pillow that Olivia apparently hugged in her sleep. It was also very obvious that her detective had not had the chance to make up the bed since she had last been there but aside from that everything was in its usual place.

On shaky legs she approached the bed and picked up the t-shirt, bringing it to her face, taking a deep breath, her blue eyes opened wide when the scent struck her senses. "Oh Liv" The item in question smelled like she did, it was impossible not to tell, it was as if she had just worn it just a few short hours ago and not a year and a half before.

Unable to stand it any longer she let herself fall on the bed hugging the t-shirt against her chest, wailing violently, her body shaking uncontrollably, cries ripped from her soul breaking the ghostly silence in the bedroom. The bedroom haunted by her own ghost.

"Oh Liv, what have I done? How did you manage to live like this? How?" Alex gasped out between sobs.

She had thought that living in exile far from the woman that she loved and everything that was important to her had been painful but she had truly thought that Olivia would have made it through the anguish and depression of her solitude with the help from Elliot and the guys.

How wrong she had been, this was real solitude. To live surrounded by everything that you love and to know that you have nothing. To know that every morning, every day, every night you come home to be greeted by the emptiness and the phantom of your past happiness. Alexandra knew that she would have gone crazy if the situation had been reversed.

She had cursed the fact that she didn't even get a photograph to take with her when they had practically drugged her and taken her far from Liv. For months, she had drowned in misery, so much so that it didn't matter whether she lived or died. One day she just happened to turn on the TV and found herself staring at Olivia. Olivia was being interviewed after solving a case that had gained national attention. After that incident Alex seemed to recover from the depths of depression she had been in for the past six months.

It was only then that something that still remained deep inside began to emerge and allowed her to feel and dream once again about someday returning, because Liv was asking her to. She could feel it, even hundreds of miles away that wave of love and need somehow managed to reach her, which was irrational but it gave her the strength and courage to do it. Giving her, her only reason for living.

Reclaiming parts of herself that she had temporarily left behind, habits and routines that had been part of her, things that she thought were and always would be Alexandra Cabot. Reminding herself that she was only pretending to be someone else. Like those games she had played with her cousin Judith as a child.

She went out jogging in the mornings and read the NY Times online and also the Legal Review in order to keep up to date until she could return. She did this as a promise to herself and Olivia. And every night she would stare out the window at the hills looking east, thinking of her even though they couldn't see each other and Olivia would be thinking of her.

There were times when the pain was too great, the need to have Olivia or the fear of losing her keeping her off balance. There were times that when she woke up in the mornings she would feel disoriented then she would remember…she would remember the smell of antiseptic and calling out for Olivia in her dreams. She would remember a man's voice telling her it was the only option.

Others were nightmares, dark and surreal, with grotesque images or sometimes-just images of Olivia starring at her coldly from afar, as she ran and ran towards her screaming her name, but Olivia would always turn away without looking back.

Perhaps it was incomprehensible to some, but for Alex the fear of being found by her enemies did not compare with the fear of losing Olivia. She knew she feared that more than any paid assassin that might be after her. She also understood that she needed to be levelheaded for her own sanity and find a midpoint. She couldn't afford to be careless enough to leave clues that she was now Emily Perkins. Once she had accepted that she could no longer continue to be Alex Cabot it also meant that she could no longer hang on to her past either. She had to embrace the present and just hope to recover what was rightfully hers.

Her real life.

Emily Perkins wasn't nor could she ever be the real Alex Cabot, she was just a character she played, a divorced woman from Oregon who was only trying to forget a huge mistake. Being an only daughter and without family it had been easy to move to another state without looking back. She wanted to begin anew she would tell her co-workers and acquaintances.

Emily was a homebody, a woman that enjoyed caring for her small garden, who loved to try new recipies and had a taste for subtitled movies. She had no intention of getting remarried and she was not looking for a boyfriend or anything of the kind.

Emily Perkins was many things, but Emily and Alex had something in common, both of them loved and always would love Olivia Benson.

Overwhelmed, exhausted and totally crazed she cried herself to sleep.

Alex sighed and murmurred Liv's name when she suddenly felt someone shaking her lightly. She was startled and opened her eyes.

"What?" she jumped scared "Elliot?" She questioned when she recognized him. "What the hell?" She sat up trying to clear her head. "I thought I'd be safe here."

Elliot had the decency to blush and decided not to mention that she looked like someone who had cried her eyes out, which is exactly what had happened.

"I'm sorry, Liv tried to call you several times but you didn't answer, she got histerical and they had to sedate her, but not before she sent me over to check to see if you were ok." He offered as an explanation.

"Oh Liv. I need to call her, I guess I didn't hear when I fell asleep." She frantically began to look for her cell in her pockets.

"Don't worry about it. I called Munch. He's staying with her while I came looking for you. She's sedated, her blood pressure went crazy and she's still a bit weak."

Alexandra became pale when Elliot told her this. How could she have been so careless? Poor Olivia probably believed that something had happened to her.

"I'm so sorry. I never intended to…I…"

"I know Alex, I know. It's just that things are complicated right now." He looked at her intently, debating whether to confide in her without putting her in danger. Come what may, Alex had the right to know. He couldn't keep her in the dark forever, it would be too dangerous.

"What's going on Elliot?" Suddenly Alex once again wasn't Liv's girlfriend anymore but the ADA who he knew and respected.

"We've had a series of murders, at first it seemed like a routine case," He rubbed his neck and took a chair in front of Alex, "Rape-homicide, we began the investigation, the husband was conveniently on a trip, so given that he was to return on Sunday we went out to interview him. The door was open, we found him dead too. We found evidence that they kept a lot of money in a secure box. Two days later, through one of Finn's friends we got a tip. When we got to the suspects house we found the entire family executed and a small boy just barely alive. Ballistics came back with some incredible amount of data."

"What happened? Do they need legal counsel, you know that…"

Elliot cut her off. "No Alex, the ballistics showed that the weapon used to kill the Montoya family is the same that was used to kill you.'

"Oh." Alex opened and closed her mouth not knowing what to say. "That means that…"

"The hitter that they sent to kill you is on the loose. This case is related to Velez, Alex. We can't let you remain here." Elliot stated gravely. "Liv isn't aware of what's happening…

"No." Alex refused. "I'm not going anywhere without her. I can't! Don't ask me to!" She jumped to her feet and began to pace around from one end of the room to the other.

"Alex, it's too dangerous for you to be here in New York right now. El Fantasma, that is what he's known by, he's very dangerous. He doesn't know you're alive, but we can't take that risk, please. Do it for Olivia."

"Elliot, you try to understand me. I am not leaving Olivia, not now, not ever again."

Stabler opened his mouth to try to reason with Alex when the cell rang and Alex nearly jumped out of her skin. She answered it with a shaky voice.

—Hey.

"Alex, are you ok? Where are you?" Olivia asked frantically.

"I'm at your apartment, I fell asleep. I'm sorry that I didn't answer you. I didn't hear it."

"It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter now. Alex you're in danger, you need to hide, and he's in NY. Please Alex I beg you." Olivia pleaded in terror.

"I'm not going anywhere without you Olivia." She exchanged a look with Elliot as she mouthed, "She knows."

"Alex." Olivia spat out. "Don't fight me on this. You're my whole life, don't you understand that? Without you I can't live. Please." Olivia begged. "Please Alex, have Hammond take you some place safe."

"NO and that's final Olivia, I'm on my way back. I don't' intend to leave from your side ever again. It was a mistake that I don't intend to repeat."

"Alex!" Liv practically yelled through the phone. "Please baby, do it for me."

"It is for you Liv, for you." And she hung up.

"Take me back to the hospital; we have to make some plans. If Olivia wants me to hide I will, but with her, not alone."

Elliot agreed, he knew how stubborn Alex could be and he knew Olivia would do anything for Alex. Just then his cell rang. "It's Liv."

"Answer it if you like tell her we're on our way." She responded in a no nonsense manner. She had made her dicision.

"Fine."

On the way to the hospital Alex took out her cell and dialed a now very familiar number.

"I need your help and I need it now."

"I told you that if you came back you would be left without federal protection." Hammond responded brusquely.

"I'm not the one that got out of the WPP, you were the one that brought me here or did you conveniently forget? I didn't sign anything, not even an agreement."

"What do you need?" Hammond sighed, after all it was true.

"Olivia and I, she's still very weak, we need to transfer her to Wisconsin withint the next 24 hours."

"Cabot we are not…"

"I'm not asking you for a favor Hammond. Just make it happen." She said in that icy tone that everyone knew her for and feared.

"I'll see what I can do."

Alex raised an eyebrow when she noticed that Elliot only starred at her in surprise.

"What? He knows he doesn't have an option. He brought me back to Manhattan without the proper channels and without clearence."

"He did it because I threatened him."

"It doesn't matter." She shrugged.

Elliot was going to open his mouth but decided to remain quiet. Perhaps it was for the best.

"We'll be landing in Miami in 10 minutes Mr. Velez." The steward for the private plane announced.

"Thank you."

Cesar Velez turned towards his girlfriend.

"It's show time baby." He said with a wolfish grin.

The dark woman only smiled to herself. _Yes it is Cesar, yes it is. It's revenge time for you Livia, my love._

**To be continued…I promise**

**Please review! V**


	26. Chapter 26

Thanks for your support.

I've been having troubles reconnecting with SVU, I trying to write what is floating in my head, I had the idea about what to do for the last chapters, but my muse is not easy to please.

I will finish this I promise.

Thanks for waiting for it, it really means a lot to me.

V


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